lousy ass doctor's visit

Well, I went to see my pain doctor this week, and had lots of lousy news.  Apparently, my PT hasn't been following her instructions per the prescription-- which specifically tells them I need mostly stretching and deep tissue massage.  Instead, they've been doing lots of cardio and strength training, which isn't hugely helpful because I do that on my own.  I stretch on my own too, but not all the stretches are one-person.

Anyway, I'm going to be starting up with a new PT in 2011, in addition to yoga and acupuncture.  I've tried all of these before, but am feeling good that there will be more progress.

On a more philosophically significant note, I am apparently now on so many pain pills that if I were to stop taking them, I would go into some sort of shock.  I asked my regular dr. about all the pills I'm on and whether or not I should be concerned/ consider paring some out, but he got pretty nervous and told me that would be a bad idea, and told me what some of the consequences might be (i.e. shock, hospital, etc.).  So that's not hugely thrilling.  I got my pain pill dosages upped last week, in addition to the new medication from the week before.  I've been sleeping pretty well though, so that's good news.

Hm, I wonder if hot yoga would be good, because heat is good for my condition and yoga is.  Any thoughts, single reader?

updating the disability accomodations

well, here i am again, getting those damned disability acommodations updated.  stupid hands are hurting again today, so try to ignore the lack of caps.  my pinkies always hurt worst, so i try to avoid capitalizing (the only other option being to capitalize everything). 

anyway, it would be real nice if there was just a form or something saying what my dr should say.  apparently, i've got to have the diagnosis on there (i'm not reliable enough to say it myself?).  also, i probably should update for the migraines (though this is an oversimplification of terms- it is a tension headache but people tend to misunderstand the difference- basically tension headaches are caused by physical factors like chronic pain and migraines are chemically-based.  if i understood right anyway).  i just don't want profs to think i am sick every time i have to run out to puke.  lovely, that.

maybe i should also try to get some med side effects marked down.  the new migraine pills are kinda crazy- can make me go hyperactive.  i think they're upsetting my stomach too, but that's not so important.

migraine dream

migraine dream

a funny thing
happened to me
on the way to waking
i was shot in the head
(by irish mobsters,
if I remember right)

but the bullet kept on
going through my head
and proceeds through now
piercing every memory
with a silvery film of
cold metallic touches

the ambiguous nature
seeing the bullet in your head
that is in your head
a plan to subvert the mind
with the mind that plots
to subvert or not

it’s funny to be touched
by nothing yet everything
the light reaching out more
every sound wants only
for you to hear it
above the tinnitus ring

but if this all is just
something the mind
(for some reason) concocted
then what is the matter
with us all getting together
for a little trepanation party

Tension headaches

Ah ha- apparently recent crazy pains are from tension headaches-- really bad ones!  Apparently, tension headaches are actually a lot like migraines (I thought they were really different >.<) except that they aren't caused by chemicals but muscle tension.  And I've got a whole lot of that.  So that's why I've been all super painy and puking and hiding out in dark, quiet caves.

The dr. gave me a new medication to take when these headaches start.  It is supposed to take them away within a few hours.  That is much better than being in bed for a week crying and puking from pain, and throwing all the kitties out because they are too noisy (and bright? O.o).

Also, I asked the dr. about all the crazy prescriptions I'm on- and he said, and I quote: "Things would be a lot worse if you stopped taking them."  Basically, if I stop any pain meds, my pain levels are going to get crazy.  Comforting thought.  But, anyway, they definitely are NOT increasing my pain levels. 

I am seeing Dr. Ren next week, and will also call to make the appt. with new acupuncturist tomorrow.  Oh!  And dr. said not to go to PT again until I see Dr. Ren, because they made the pain so much worse last week (not the first time...). 

There.  I have updated.  Feeling very powerful.

ghost pain

ghost pains

it's philosophical, really,
the way the pain stays with you
even after it has faded

a sensation so hard to express
not so much a tingling or actual feeling
but the memory of a feeling

it is the way a terrible hurting
leaves its mark and somehow scars
tattooing its name on your body

or, rather, the memory of a body ravaged
taken to the brink of something profoundly other
beyond the conception of any mind

the hauntological implications
of the ghost pains creep
until a poltergeist it becomes

Roman Polanski quote

"Cut off my arm. I say, ‘Me and my arm.’ You cut off my other arm. I say, ‘Me and my two arms.’
You take out…take out my stomach, my kidneys, assuming that were possible, and I say, ‘Me and my intestines.’
Follow me?
And now, if you cut off my head, what would I say…’Me and my head’ or ‘Me and my body’?
What right has my head to call itself Me?"

—	Roman Polanski, The Tenant

I was reading a few pieces on Leslie Scalapino's poetryand the self-other conflict of chronic pain, and it made me think of this scene.  I actually haven't seen the movie, but a gal in the year ahead of me told me about this scene when I was talking about my research.  Anyway, it is a difficult thing to figure out, this self-other divide, particularly in light of chronic pain.  Am I my pain/is my pain me?  Can I really separate the pain that inhabits my body from my body itself and from me as defined by and/or through my body?

Roman Polanski's quote particularly highlights the elevation of the brain over body.  It is not so much the head that matters as the brain within it.  I'll need to think on this more when I am awake.

Magicks

Well, today I experienced something I haven't yet in nearly five years of pain relief therapy- a quick cessation of pain.  I've been in quite terrible pain this week, such that I couldn't do anything, not even read, listen to music, or watch TV.  I basically drank Nyquil and tried to sleep it off.

Anyway, I went to PT today and the PT assistant did some magicks on me.  She massaged and ultra-sounded my neck and shoulders for half an hour, and I left the appointment with quite a manageable amount of pain.  It was decreased by half.

Of course, now I've still got the post-terrible pain exhaustion and the ghost of awful pain (I'm sure it's got a name, and I'll look it up at some point, but if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not sure I can explain it).  Almost through the quarter though, so I should hopefully have a chance to heal and rest.

Condition

I've been a bit bummed today and yesterday, because I found a description of myofascial pain syndrome in Patrick Wall's Pain: The Science of Suffering while working on a paper.  It just kinda reiterated what all I knew, but didn't give much thought to, on account of thinking myself uneducated.  I actually only got my diagnosis a few months back, but I thought it was this all along.

Unlike fibromyalgia, myofascial pain is localized to one area.  There are tender points where pressing will often result in pain, which spreads to distant areas and imitates the pain of which the patient complains.  Under the tender points, a taut band of muscles can be felt… Myofascial trigger points may appear in the region of injury to the vertebrae as in whiplash accidents… When the pain has lasted for six months or more, the prognosis becomes progressively worse.  Local treatment of the tender spots provides temporary relief, but the tenderness returns… Because [the doctors] can demonstrate no local cause, they conclude that the disease does not exist. (104)

Anyway, today was a high pain day.  In fact, it is so bad right now, that I'm wondering if I can tough it out for all I need to do tomorrow: work, internship, reading group on human migration, class.  At least I don't have PT, though I think I will need to work out tomorrow.  I didn't today because of the pain.

Weird spasms in my stomach today too.  I'm not sure what's up with that, but if it happens again, I might need to call my doctor.  Nothing I've felt before, so I was more interested it than annoyed by the pain- but it was pretty bad.  Also, I keep losing feeling in my fingers again.  Most annoying.

PTSD

I know, I know.  It generally is associated with war zone type things.  And I do not want to in any way demean those experiences, but I was actually diagnosed with PTSD a few years back.

The reason for my pain, as I have said a few times but not recently, is a car accident.  I was in the back passenger's seat of a friend's family's car when a semi truck lost control on an icy road and hit us.  (Side note: it is really surprising to me that I can write that so apathetically at this particular point.)  Anyway, it took me a while to be comfortable driving (like years) and then I was in another accident that totalled my car (girl ran a red light), so that made it worse again.  But the worst thing is driving in icy conditions.

Anyway, it doesn't actually have to be me driving, just having to be on the road when it's icy out plays mad games with my stress levels.  I don't get flashbacks, but I remember, and I get so angry.  Seriously angry.  Because it was so idiotic to be on the road in the first place, what with it being so icy.

But the thing is, we never think that something terrible is going to happen.  Sure, it's icy, but worst case scenario, we'll spin into a ditch.  The thing is, I know how bad it can be.  I can't even honestly say that I feel I lucked out, because maybe the alternative would have been better- who knows?

And I feel like it has to be something pretty damn important to get me on the roads on an icy day like today.  Like an emergency or having a baby.  Possibly the apocalypse.  Who knows?

Very very bitter.  Grr!

Terrible Pain Day

I'm really starting to think that alcohol does help with pain.  At least temporarily.  I was pretty tipsy all last night, and I was okay with the bad pain.  But then I was perfectly sober all day today, and it was rotten.  Serious pain situation right now.  But I'm going to have to tough it out tomorrow.  So here's hoping (once again) for snow.

It is a short week, so it is more or less just me toughing it out for work the next few days, plus PT tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning.  I'll need to make sure to get to the gym, though I find it never helps during a pain crisis, only with general pain management.

The worst thing about PT is that you have to cancel 24 hours in advance or you get a $50 fine.  So if I'm in a pain crisis, I have to suck it up and go in (where they make me work out no matter how bad it hurts, sadists) or pay the damn fifty bucks.  But today is Sunday, so they are closed, and I can't cancel for tomorrow.  Plus, I sure as hell didn't get up at 7:45 a.m. on a Sunday following a party.

I should be writing some poetry to actually better consider the implications of the pain-filled body, but the trouble is, the more pain I'm in, the less I want to think about anything.  It is hard enough to consider surviving the night-- sometimes, it feels like I will just slip away from the pain.

Anyway, better get to sleep so I can get up at 7 for PT.  I really should get up half an hour earlier, but I'm not going to.  They don't fine you for being late (yet).  There you have it.

lame gym day

Well, today I certainly did not get my money's worth at the gym.  I knew I was pretty tired from trigger pointing yesterday, so I went a medium mellow route and did the stationary bike.  Anyway, it didn't go so well.  I was so exhausted and achy that I burned fewer than 300 calories (which is not so good).

The good news is, I did stretch a bit today.

I don't really much feel like writing right now, especially not retrospectively.  In any event, I got 60 of the 90 midterms graded, and will finish up tomorrow.  Obviously, this did not help much either.

Too tired to be awake.  Good night!

My Eye Hurts

The trouble with trigger point injections, day one, is that you have numbness and massive migraine-like (i.e. behind eye, light and sound sensitivity, wanting to burrow under you blankets and die-ness) switching back and forth.  I feel fine and think it's over, then suddenly I have to go diving under the covers because the light is burning my eyes.  Right now, I ache all over.  I got an injection in my bicep on my left side too, and it hurts all the way down the arm.

It did not hurt as much when she was giving the injections this time.  Except the one into my arm.  That one hurt all through my arm.  It felt like she was making my muscle take in liquid past capacity, and it was going to explode.  Really hurt.  The others weren't pleasant, but a lot less UNpleasant.  Which is something, I suppose.

Plus, for once she didn't leave the room (for fifteen minutes!) while I changed from a shirt to a hospital gown (which is really unnecessary in itself).  I really am not THAT shy about a woman doctor seeing me in my bra.  And anyway, she turned around.  And I think I posted earlier about how this whole process has made me a lot less self-conscious about nudity and all that (and all what?  really?  am I seducing my doctors, no).

Also, I found out that my PT really did mess up my left shoulder.  Week before last, one of the PTs had me doing whatever their calleds where you pull straps down from over your head to about chest level (weights are on both side on floor).  Anyway, I kept feeling this kinda snappy sensation in my shoulder, somewhat like the cracking of a knuckle or better yet your jaw.  Well, I asked her about it, and she said not to worry, it was just the joint, and keep going.

Well, my doctor told me today that it was not my shoulder (she pointed out where shoulder joint stopped and shoulder muscle began) joint cracking, but my muscle, which is a sign of overstress.  So that's one of the reasons the pain has been so bad lately.  Plus, she also says I need to focus MORE on stretching and LESS on strengthening, which is opposite of what they are saying at PT.

I'm going to go with her opinion, on account of she was recommended by my primary care dr., and he always knows what he is doing.

Suffice to say, the Mandy is pissed.

busy busy busy

Last weekend, my pain was pretty bad on account of I had so much to do (long weekend= how much work can I get in?).  Anyway, this weekend will be crazy too.  On account of midterms number two for the class I'm TAing.  80 students.

I know that may not sound like a lot to you, but I went to a small Catholic school for undergrad, and the max I have in class for grad is 18 (i.e. the whole cohort).  Class sizes at Seattle U were tiny in my program, because it was new (Asian Studies- one other person from the program graduated with me).  In one class, there were six people (actually... in two classes).  The biggest class I have ever been in was about 30 students.  So this is a big class.  The prof speaks with a mic.

Anyway, it is also bigger when it comes to grading.  Because it takes forever.  I spent almost five hours grading yesterday, and that was just a one page response (I make comments... because they pay for a top grade education, and they deserve notes... even if no one reads them, as evidenced by the same error by the same student in every paper in about half the cases.. sob).  I expect that grading the midterms (to be fair, I am only grading the ten identification questions, but it took me all weekend last time) will take at least ten hours.  My back already hurts.  So let's see where this goes.

Side note, the point of me making this blog separate from my other one was to create a space to bitch and moan in.  So those few of you who suddenly found my blog and started judging, please leave.  Seriously, I did not start writing this thing for fame but for THERAPY.  Real therapy got too expensive and time consuming.  There you have it.

I do not want to leave the house tomorrow.  Please snow please snow.  Am not looking forward to more trigger point injections.  They hurt so bad last time.  And then I had the GRE, so there's all that terrible association.

Anyway.  No more whining.  Must finish Nanowrimo words for day.  If you don't know it, look it up.  Or not.

Pain Mapping

I am mapping my pain on a geography type map (Google mapsian one) for class.  Well, and for me and my autoethno paper.  Anyway, charting my pain at least once a day, mood, weather, and linking it to a blog post that gives more details.  I'm hoping to see how weather and location affect my pain.  That is the genius plan anyway.

Here is the description from my map-

Pain Mapping

A project to connect pain with conditions such as location, weather, activities, and other factors.

Key: Red= high pain levels
Pink= Medium pain levels
Blue= Lower pain levels
Aqua= Treatment

Weather reports from Google Weather.

View Pain Mapping in a larger map

yeowch

Well, there we have it.  The pain progressed because I was stupid.  Really, I would like to blame any number of things, but it was all of them together, I'm sure.  And it was all my stupid stupid fault.

What idiot things I did yesterday to bring myself to such a high level of pain today:

1. Did not work out
2. Did not ice my neck
3. Pushed a friend in a wheelchair, even though we both knew I should ask someone else to help.  Genius that.  She straight out told me I shouldn't, and still I did.  Shame on the me.
4. Sat for a very long period of time without break.  On account of I needed to get 80 papers graded for today. I'm getting 80 midterms to grade this weekend in about five minutes here.  So I really wanted to get those papers graded.  But if you really want it done in a day, you gotta sit for a big part of that day.  Also went to GSA meeting.  Lots and lots of sitting.  Brilliant.  Especially when combined with 1.
5. Forgot to take pills 'til midday.  Genius again.

Anyway, today is high pain, and I am trying to tough it out.  Only four more hours at work, and at some point, I'm going to get a lunch in.  Eventually.  Well, here's hoping anyway.  Need to stay at desk until 80 midterms are dropped off.

stupid pain

Well, I have to wonder if maybe the rain has something to do with it (or maybe by not having taken any pills yet this day, which I've only just remembered), but there is an awful lot of pain right now.  Good thing I can still take my pills (including morning pain meds), plus still have both doses of emergency meds I can take today.  I also must admit I did not go to the gym.  Did in fact get to gym but had forgotten clothes (perhaps a Freudian slip-of-the-mind?).

Anyway, the new PT seems very nice, but I'm starting to wonder if they haven't told her about the whole was in a car accident cause of this pain.  She was focusing a lot on posture, which the last PT who didn't read my medical history did.  I should probably ask her.  Also, need to make sure that my insurance actually pays them.  If not, I'm not going any more.  Too expensive!

So, I will take my pain meds, and hopefully that will help.  And eating.  Tricky that.

busy day, low pain- what can it mean?

Possibly it just means that I have taken a number of pain medications today.  Including my emergency pills.  I think I'm okay taking up to two a day, which is what I've taken, but I can't take any more.  I suppose that's fine, on account of it somehow became tomorrow.  Which means, I can take my pre-going-to-bed pills.

There will be a new PT for me tomorrow.  Guess I'd better update more often, because things change quickly.  I usually go to two different PTs in the same office per week.  Well, one of them seems to have been fired.  I can't be sure, on account of no one will talk about why she's suddenly gone (I know she hasn't died, but I think people would tell me if that was the case anyway), but I reckon the not talking thing is pretty indicative of a firing.  I imagine it might have something to do with her talking about Jesus all the time at work and people in chronic pain being pretty irritated in him even if they happen to have been Christian in the first place.  Anyway, it was always a bit awkward.

Me: The pain has been pretty hard to deal with lately.
PT: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Me: .... o...kay...

So, I hope the new PT is good or at least nice.  I've got to suck it up and make sure my insurance is paying tomorrow too.  Ew.  Plus, my other PT asked me to bring in all the exercise sheets they've given me in the past few months, and I've lost them.  So I'm hoping he won't ever remember.  Good plan.

I am (more or less) doing the exercises.  I know them by now.  So none of that.

Anyway, going to have a go at finishing High Fidelity (book not movie), then go to bed.  'Cause the pain seems to be seeping back, little bugger.

r+r= evil!?

So, I told my PT today how it has gotten so busy that I have had to plan ahead to get some mega-rest on Wednesday, and she was not happy.  No, she wasn't unhappy because I can't rest 'til then, but basically displeased that sleeping extra is a method for pain relief for me at all.

She basically said that when the pain gets to a ten, I should work out. 

Really?  Honestly, maybe when she tweaked her back (the example she gave), doing pilates made it magically heal, but I work out all the time when it hurts around a "7-8" and, while it does feel better while doing it, I always ALWAYS hurt worse afterward.  Well, maybe not worse, but in contrast to virtual livable pain relief during the work out, the flush of the high level pain back into my system is terrible.

I was just super irritated.  Quite frankly, I'm sure my neck is made worse by not getting enough rest, and I think I deserve a day of rest now and again when I've had to put up with a week like this one.  It probably won't help the pain, but it will help me psychologically.  It wears me out putting up with this stuff (how cleverly I avoided cursing).

Plus, I am stressed out about the cost of pain relieving materials right now.  I just spent another $50 at the pharmacy getting Tylenol PMs, hot and cold patches, Head On, and paying my co-pays for prescription pain stuffs.  I want to wear hot and cold patches everyday, because they seem to help a little bit, but that would add up so quickly.  Plus, the PT people want me to get a foam roller and some "bio freeze" gel (like Bengay- I tried some today, but I will not pass judgment 'til I get a full sample and try it out).  Plus the books and ice packs and teas and all this crap.

If only working out was enough and I actually had the time to do it every day.  ugh.

pain sprawl

This current pain crisis has been going on forever.  What I mean is, it has hurt something awful consistently all week.  I pretty much feel like I'm going to throw up all the time.

I have PT tomorrow (joy <-- sarcasm).  Maybe they will actually just let me sleep on their ice bed thing for an hour.  I don't want to do the damn exercises when it hurts this badly.  It has been at a consistent "8" (you know how I feel about quantifying pain, but they are going to ask, so I'd better prepare) since Monday.  I had to leave work early on Monday.  I'm seriously thinking about cancelling my meetings tomorrow.

You see, the second one is actually with the disability counselor, so she is pretty much more aware of this condition than anybody.  But then, there are three others, and it was hard to coordinate, so I'd better show up.  Plus, the first meeting is a big group too, and I'm trying to get our meeting the day after Veteran's Day cancelled (it should be anyway, right?).

If I cancel PT the day of, I am fined $50.  So I'd better make it. 

So I have to tough it out from basically 9:30 a.m. to 2 p.m.  Then, I can go work out and come home and crash.  That is literally the plan.  Of course, then there are two birthday parties this weekend and a homework meeting thing. 

Then we hit Monday, which will be crazy:
7a.m. PT appointment
9a.m.-3:30 work
3:30-4:30 post human migration group readings
4:30-5:30 human migration research group
5:45-6:45 work out
7:30-9:00 Japanese

The good news is that I'll actually have time to work out, plus the gap between PT and work means I can get a coffee.  But still, I just want to find some time to sleep all day long.  Tuesday will be even worse too:
9-3:30- work
3:30-5:30 colloquium
5:45-10 class

Notice how there is one fifteen minute break all day?  Well, I guess I do have a lunch break- hurrah.  Unless I have to go to the class I'm grading for.  Fingers crossed!  Plus, I can't miss class,  because we are facilitating a session with the first years.

So, the big plan will be to go to my 7a.m. PT appointment on Wednesday, work out, and go home and sleep all day.  So, just have to make it through the next five days. 

Oh, and did I mention the pharmacy forgot to refill my anti-depressants?  Awesome timing, guys.

hot and cold patches- review

Well, they are certainly better than hot patches.  Remember, those you-know-whats burned me.  Literally.  Yuck.

These puppies haven't burned me yet (and I've tried two generic brands), and they do feel nice.  The trouble is, they do not like to stay on.  But that is a problem with hot patches too, so I am still feeling an improvement here.

So, plusses:

• Don't get too hot
• Feel kinda nice
• take with-able

Minuses:

• Don't stay on!
• Stink v.v
• Come in weird sizes

Really, I'm not sure if I'll stick with them at this point.  They aren't too expensive, but you have to go through a lot a day to make it work, and it all adds up!

trigger point blues

I think I must have had a bad reaction to the trigger point injections.  Bruising galore along my back and neck where I got them.  Not sure what causes that in particular.  Did she improperly do them, or maybe my pain areas were already weakened?

Anyway, I have had a bad pain week.  Went home from work early on Monday.  Yesterday was a nightmare!  I toughed it out to go to a lecture, and I was in too much pain to care about what he said!  It wasn't super my cup of tea anyway, but I usually like lectures.

Plus, a friend basically told me to come to her for a certain chiropractor's phone number when I "feel like getting rid of the pain."  But I have a muscle condition, which I have said and said again yesterday, so chiropractry will not help (have asked all my drs-- who all agree).  Plus, I don't have any time for it, and my insurance will only cover PT or chiro.  And I've stuck with PT this long...

PTs were irritated because I wasn't working out much.  But how can I work out to decrease pain when it hurts so bad?  I did the bike today, but I might not be able to go time-wise tomorrow. 

What a (wait for it) pain!

busy weekend= quarter's first pain crisis!

Wow, it all hasn't hurt this bad in a while.  I'm sure there are many factors, such as getting trigger point injections Friday, studying for the GRE, taking the GRE, grading midterms, sitting at computer at work, and not working out for a few days. 

Anyway, it is annoying, because I think I may have to miss the wonderful RDG Kelley speak at UW.  I'm a huge fan of his work (as of today, but nonetheless), and am quite sad at the idea.  But I think I won't be able to handle it. 

I'm going to see if I can just lay on a bunch of ice pads tomorrow at PT.  We did that for ten minutes before, and it helped for a bit.  If I do it for the whole hour appointment, I think it will help even more.  Though be amazingly unpleasant.

Speaking of unpleasant, trigger point injections.  Oh my.  My dr. felt confident that I may not need them at next month's appointment, but I really am not feeling it.  Don't feel I could survive without them, despite their massive hurting.

Keep looking for pain retreats.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Ahhh...  Though, I imagine they cannot really be retreats FROM pain so much as retreating BECAUSE of pain.  As in hiding.  Bother.

sans am pain meds

Ugh, today was so awful.  My neck ached all day, and I had a terrible headache.  Worst of all though were the side effects from so suddenly going off my morning pain meds.  It is really quite annoying, because my dr. specifically told me that this med wasn't addictive.

Of course, she also told me that trigger point injections wouldn't hurt.  Honestly, how would she know?  Has she had them?  If not, then poo on her for making me feel weak.

Anyway, the side effects are awful.  I was so exhausted today (I had a lot of caffeine, and it didn't help!).  I'm sure the headache was related as well.  I literally couldn't make myself sit up straight.

Well, tomorrow will be without the meds as well.  Apparently, my dr. fax the refill in last Monday, but the pharmacy somehow didn't get it.  They faxed it again today, but it will take at least until tomorrow to fill.  Hopefully, my mom or M can stop and get it for me- as I have zero time from 7a.m. to 10:30p.m.  Early morning meeting- durn.  Already have the instant coffee ready to go.

So, will just have to endure through tomorrow.  If it gets any worse though, I may have no choice but to skip my night class.  But that would pretty much mean not missing for the rest of the quarter, and who knows how bad December will be?

Blame the cynicism on the withdrawl symptoms.  Or is it withdrawal (or is that only for the bank?).  Hm...

prescriptions

Well, it seems my doctor forgot to call in the refill for my prescription last week, so I am without the pain medication that I take in the morning, until this problem can be remedied.  I will call both my doctor and the pharmacy tomorrow, but, alas, the pharmacy's system is actually down right now.  I've actually tried to call and fill a few other prescriptions that are running low, but I simply hear/read (if I try online) an error message.

I didn't realize how much I had come to depend on this medication until I went today without having taken it.  Not only does my pain hurt worse than yesterday (it hurt pretty terribly then- or is it terrible?  I can never remember the rule with adverbs...), but I feel a bit sick in general.  I know that the medication isn't that strong, but perhaps I'm just on so many medications that any change messes me up.

I'm going to have to muddle through tomorrow anyway.  Maybe I will stash my ice pack in the grad lab freezer for Tuesday night's class.  Although, I don't want to look like I'm going for sympathy.  I guess I can try to hide it with a scarf.

Though, I am also a bit worried that it might get stolen.  Not to be terribly cynical, but the damn thing was at least twenty-five dollars, and all these little pain reducing things add up over time (tea+ books+ co-pays on meds+ice packs+stretching aids+exercise balls+etc.).  Plus, it's pretty large, and I don't want to monopolize all the space in the tiny freezer.

Maybe I should just pick up some "hot and cold" patches?  I hear that they work really well.  I'm just a bit nervous to use any "hot" patches, as I was burnt by the last one I wore :|

when sick

It's difficult to realize when I'm sick now.  A few weeks ago, I got strep throat and didn't realize how bad it was.  You see, the lymph nodes are all located about the neck, and my neck always hurts.  So how was I to know that it was something different causing more or less the same pain?

When I was really sick this summer with a fever over 103, I didn't even notice.  I mean, I knew I felt terrible, but it was mostly just the aching.  I'm used to aching.  I just figured the pain was spreading like it sometimes does, going through my hands and down my legs. 

Well, my throat's been hurting since I finished my strep medicine.  And my neck started hurting badly about the same time.  So then, is it just that my neck hurts from the conference, or am I sick again?

How am I supposed to tell the difference???

pain retreat

There must be something out there for adults.  I just want to go to some sort of rehab center or retreat and heal.  Check myself in and hide away until this fixes.

I'm sure it's obvious, but my mood has fallen.  I was doing so much better and then it just started hurting so badly again.  I'm not sure what else I can do besides trigger point injections and PT.  I read a book on foods for pain, and apparently I should be vegan.  I just can't imagine giving up dairy on top of meat.  Meat was hard enough.

Well, I'm supposed to see my physiatrist (re: not psychiatrist) on Friday.  There's always the option of asking what else we can do, but I'm worried that I've once again got to that point where the doctor will just shrug in reply. 

Maybe I'd just better try to do acupunture again.  Just have to make the time.

Anyway, going to take a shower and ice it.  Hit up the Tylenol PM and pass out.  Good plan.

disappointment

I think I always preface complains with "the worst thing about chronic pain is..." but that really is how it feels when you are so put down by it.  Today, I had to leave a conference I have been excited about for months, because my pain got so bad.

It is just terrible today.  I am having to prioritize so much and stay so busy, that I really am going to have to drop all the fun things I want to do just to be able to "tough it out" for the things I have to do. 

Really, there needs to be a space to talk about going through grad school with a disability.  And pain makes things so much harder.  I feel like half the battle is gritting my teeth through literal pain, with so little of me left to make an effort at school work and get things onto my CV.  This quarter is one of attrition-- thank God we're almost to November.

It is really hard to imagine sustaining for 5-7 more years for a PhD program.  Yet there need to be professors who know about pain and disability in this way.

Capstone Artifacts

McGill Pain Questionnaire

Patient Form (Back/Neck- PT)

From The Cancer Journals- Audre Lorde:

On the morning of the third day, the pain returned home bringing all of its kinfolk. Not that any single
one of them was overwhelming, but just that all in concert, or even in small repertory groups, they were excruciating.

There were constant ones and intermittent ones. There were short sharp and long dull and various combinations of the same ones. The muscles in my back and right shoulder began to screech as if they'd been pulled apart and now were coming back to life slowly and against their will.

My chest wall was beginning to ache and burn and stab by turns. My breast which was no longer there would hurt as if were being squeezed in a vise. That was perhaps the worst pain of all, because it would come with a full complement of horror that I was to be forever reminded of my loss by suffering in a part of me which was no longer there. I suddenly seemed to get weaker rather than stronger. The euphoria and numbing.

Effects of the anesthesia were beginning to subside

(37-38).




my body. Extended

a rusty butter knife

cuts and digs
extracting my bones
from. my flesh

my powdered throat

dust and sand

i has been buried

my body beneath my mind

my body. extended

the wild remains
like trees aging
down and up and out

i would spear my teeth into my foot

detach my foot-me from my rest-of-me
you seek to make me I

give me voice


when i die, the ants will feast
i falls away

my body extended beyond
my body. extended

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRxuOgWcmLUB937of5nQnfMTMRS4H326AVzS83qqW4-LymPXOSN1nBnKDUGA6TKxONleQ9iM0PJiM-qV7rVBAId6MRli0FW4uuf_vg_dBW42gpIsBMtFj6eObT2btsmVYvflLf1DPkS3Ai/s1600/TheScream.jpg
 

http://www.partnersagainstpain.com/measuring-pain/assessment-tool.aspx

http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/human-nature/perception/synesthesia.htm

Medications List

Because it has all gotten so out of hand.  I drink expensive teas to sleep (which is not working right now- alas!), use ice packs, heat pack, etc.  Still, there are so many medications for so many conditions.  Wondering if maybe healthy is merely an image of perfection.  Unattainable!

AM:

• Vitamin - Calcium
• Vitamin - Women's Daily
• Vitamin - Vitamin C
• Supplement - Iron (Anemia)
• Rx - Cytomel (Hypo-thyroidism)
• Rx - Cymbalta (Pain and depression)
• Rx - Singulair (Asthma)
• Rx - Birth control (Irregular menstruation)
• Rx - Meloxicam (Pain)
• Short-term - Augmentin (Lymph node/strep throat/tonsil mega virus)
• Short-term - Prednisone ("")
• NSAID - 3 ibuprofens

Lunch:

• Short-term - Augmentin (Lymph node/strep throat/tonsil mega virus)
• Short-term - Florastor (Complications from above-ness)
• NSAID - 3 ibuprofens

PM:

• Supplement - Iron (Anemia)
• Rx - Cytomel (Hypo-thyroidism)
• Rx - Cymbalta (Pain and depression)
• Rx - Neurontin (Pain)
• NSAID - Tylenol PM 

As needed:

• Rx - Albuterol inhaler (asthma)
• Rx - Flonase (allergies/asthma)
• Rx - Ultram (pain)

It looks insane all written out...  I think I need to meet with my doctor to discuss all of these and see if there's a way to cut back.  :|

Everyday Items

One of the things Elaine Scarry speaks to at some length in The Body in Pain is the way in which ordinary objects became symbols of pain through the act of torture.  An example she gives is the refrigerator, which can become a bludgeon, the floor, walls, hot water, etc.  She speaks of Germany in the 1940s, and the associations attached by death camp survivors to things such as showers, ovens, lampshades, and soap (41).

While reading this chapter, I kept thinking about how ordinary experiences, not so much things, become symbols of pain for one with chronic pain. 

Last night, I went to see a film at a movie theatre, something I had come to dread during the day.  Every time I go to the movies, I end up in such terrible pain, for sitting for long periods of time is one of the hardest things for me.  The film was Eat, Pray, Love, a movie divided into three parts, and by the end of the first third I was considering leaving to go care for myself.  I had to shift constantly and even so could not eliminate the pain to any degree.

Similarly, the long car trip has become an image of agony for me.  I went on vacation a few weeks ago, from Seattle to Bend, Oregon.  The drive should be around seven hours, but knowing that I could not manage to be in the car for so long, we planned to stop overnight in Portland.  Thus the trip was divided into a three hour drive one day, a five hour drive the next. 

It did not help much at all.  I actually threw up from the pain and have had a much worse back since returning.  A long car ride is something from which I must recover.  Conversely, long, hard exercise is a temporary cure to pain, something I am treated to after a difficult day of sitting.

ETS Rant

Well, I'm sure I've mentioned it, but I'm applying for PhD programs this Fall, and there's a lot of work to be done.  One of the big hurdles is the GRE.  I've taken it before and within the past five years, so I don't actually have to take it again, but it might hurt my chances of getting into some schools if I don't.

The trouble is, I've filled out quite a bit of paperwork to get disability accommodations, which included a section for the disability specialist at my school to fill out, and a request for letters from doctors explaining the current state of my disability.

It was a lot of work.  My nice mom called to get the details on what exactly I needed to have filled out, and I tried to be gentle with what I requested, to make it easier for everyone.  The test is about 4 hours long, and there's a 10 minute break at one point.  The big pain thing for me is sitting for too long, and I remember how terrible it was last time, so I just asked for two additional ten minute breaks (one for each hour).

Well, I got a mean email from ETS (group that does GRE) after calling to tell them I hadn't received anything after sending in my paperwork weeks ago, and the letter tells me I must turn in additional materials.  It'll be a lot of extra work, and I'm none too pleased about them not being clearer on what they needed in the first place.

I actually had to go to the bathroom to cry at work, because I couldn't hold it together.  It is just so frustrating-- they actually want me to write a paper saying what exactly my issue is. 

Anyway, I'll know soon whether I really need to take it again or not-- checked with my advisor, and he's checking with others.  In any case, I am so irritated, particularly in light of the man I spoke with on the phone being rude. 

Honestly though, taking the GRE was one of the worst experiences of my life.  It was so hard on my back and neck, so terribly stressful, time consuming, needing lots of study, etc.  This extra paperwork makes it so much worse, plus the rudeness, the lack of response in a timely manner, and this continued suggestion that I'm just trying to cheat. 

Ugh, I already know the damn test is sexist, classist, and racist, but now I have to face it's ableism as well.  I just want to do a mean ass case study on the ETS as the epitome of apathy toward people with disabilities.  I probably will at some point.  Because I hate really hate the GRE, have for a while, but now I hate ETS as well.  As if I didn't have it hard enough already.  Sending waves of bad thoughts-- hope the whole test is done away with (but that all employees find other, more fulfilling positions elsewhere). 

So angry- gah!  Anyway, I'm going to bed.  Or at least going to try, as the pain has been keeping me up/making me wake up lately.  Ugh.

Hitting a High

In a bad way.  I just realized the title could be taken to be something happy, which it certainly isn't.  Alas.

So, the terrible thing is that riding in cars, particularly when I am not the driver, is the worst thing for my pain.  We knew this, going on vacation to Bend, Oregon, so we stopped in Portland going and coming for a day.  The trouble is, even broken up, the three plus five hours in the car over the course of two days is a bit like riding one of those bucking bull things at the pub.  My neck wrenched back and forth and I literally threw up.

Now that I'm back, it seems not to be getting any better.  I had PT but that didn't help (I'm not entirely sure it didn't make it worse either).  I took my one of my "just for emergencies" pills, and it made me crazy woozy, but didn't help the pain at all.  I went to the gym, and the pain went away so long as I was killing myself working out, but it came back immediately after I stopped.

Have PT again tomorrow (twice a week- ugh).  I guess the best thing would be to try to schedule another trigger point session with my doctor.  But then there's the driving.  And the bus is even worse.  I feel bad for not being green, but I honestly can't take riding the bus anymore.  The constant stop and go kills me.

Guess I'll just suck it up and go to the doctor again.  Maybe go in for another massage, but damn that hurts worse than the injections. 

Enough of the whining.  Good night.

Knowing abilities

One of the worst things about having and having to register a disability is that the authority over your own body is placed in the hands of another.  Or at least they often think they have authority or expert knowledge.  You should think that it can be taken for granted that, if nothing else, we are all experts on ourselves.  Yet so many responses to disability want to remove of us even that.

I should be able to feel whatever degree of pain I feel, and be honest about it.  Doctors want to tell us, however, that something "won't hurt very much," or "can't be all that bad."  "If you are able to make it through the day, it can't be that bad," "trigger point injections don't hurt very much."  It delegitimizes our experiences-- makes us feel like we are weak or some kind of freaks.

It is also exhausting being told what you can or cannot do on account of your pain.  For years, I did not jog or do any really difficult cardio because my back doctors told me I couldn't-- they forbade me to go running.  Then a few months ago, I am suddenly told that that diagnosis was crazy-- in fact, cardio is said to be one of the best things a person can do for one's aching neck because pain-causing cortisol is destroyed. 

When I first wanted to go to Japan as an undergrad, I went to speak with the disability specialist at Seattle U.  He would not believe that I could climb Mt. Fuji, even in light of other successful hiking endeavors.  I really wanted to prove him wrong (alas, Fuji-san was closed while I was in Japan, however, I did "summit" Mt. Takae). 

Now I am worried about telling any of the health care professionals on my "case" that I'm training for a triathlon.  Just telling some of my family has received a raised-eyebrow response.  I work my ass off every day at the gym despite chronic pain, why would a triathlon be any different?  It's just making my training more specific and being willing to accept "no pain, no gain," which any athlete must do.  Working out really hard hurts anyone to some extent- muscle pain associated with muscle gain.  I would just like to have the benefit of the doubt and the ability to judge for myself what I can and cannot do.

I have terrible asthma as well, and that's one reason I was so willing to give up running in the first place.  I don't much like running, but now I feel like I have to do the triathlon to prove something.  Why do I have to prove my ability to do something that any other 22-year-old woman would be assumed to be capable of? 

Then it's the medications.  I am now told that I shouldn't be placed on certain medications because, on account of my age, I am succeptible to addiction.  It is exhausting having to deal with this god-like guardianship doctors hold over their patients sometimes--  I was on Vicodin for years without getting addicted, yet somehow I haven't yet proved myself.  Apparently, my "stupid punk ass kid" perceived subjectivity trumps my "in obvious pain" subjectivity. 

I think this is what they call "medical patriarchy," but I'll have to look it up when I'm less pissed off.  In any case, I'm training for a triathlon in June and another in August, and the next person who hints at me being incapable of this feat is going to be attacked by my bottled up rage/silence.  I guess I should stop being quiet about it-- "quiet desperation," alas.  Grrr.

Trigger Point Injections

So the series of cortisone shots I get are apparently called Trigger Point Injections.  I got them for the second time last week, and will be getting them once a month for the time being.  This is in addition to the PT (by the by, my PT says that cardio workouts are supposed to be the best thing for neck pain because cortisol, which causes pain, is destroyed-- which really doesn't explain my aching neck every evening but nonetheless), is meant to "cure" me.  I have more faith in the therapy dog (his name is Mogul, by the way).

I wonder if I can ask specifically to do some therapy with the dog.  That would be awesome.  I love animal assisted therapy.  I truly believe that my cats help me more than anything else, if only because they relieve stress.  Wah, who doesn't love the kitties! <3

Anyway, I looked up trigger point injections, and they, along with PT and massage, seem to be the primary treatment for "myofascial pain syndrome".

Here is the description from Healthcommunities.com:

Trigger point injection (TPI) is used to treat extremely painful areas of muscle. Normal muscle contracts and relaxes when it is active. A trigger point is a knot or tight, ropy band of muscle that forms when muscle fails to relax. The knot often can be felt under the skin and may twitch involuntarily when touched (called a jump sign).

The trigger point can trap or irritate surrounding nerves and cause referred pain — pain felt in another part of the body. Scar tissue, loss of range of motion, and weakness may develop over time.

TPI is used to alleviate myofascial pain syndrome (chronic pain involving tissue that surrounds muscle) that does not respond to other treatment, although there is some debate over its effectiveness. Many muscle groups, especially those in the arms, legs, lower back, and neck, are treated by this method. TPI also can be used to treat Fibromyalgia and tension headaches.

--

Anyway, it isn't supposed to hurt :(  Now I feel terrible for feeling terrible.  But anyway, it did hurt quite a bit in certain areas, and not at all in other areas.  Well, I can vouch for its temporary effectiveness.  Only lasts about three weeks, but the pain is definitely decreased.  Hrm.

New PT

I've started with a new PT this week.  I will be going in twice a week for six weeks.  How irritating.  At least we found someone close to my work/school.  But honestly, I really have zero faith in PT at this point.  Trying to be hopeful, well, at least pleasant to the people there.  There's a therapy dog who is quite cute.

Anyway, they did this weird thing where they shot electricity through me.  Then it made this constant beeping, which became more frequent when the electric shooting thing touched areas where the pain was worse.  So they could tell that my left side is worse (by the by, my physiatrist can tell this just by touching me back and neck-- talent!).

I hate doing the darned exercises.  You have to do them twice a day indefinitely.  I hate that.  Just having to get up ten minutes earlier and going to bed ten minutes later.  The lack of muscle-building feeling plus the sudden pain in already pained area.

I will focus on the joy of seeing the dog.

Addicted to Exercise

Oh, that title looks so silly, but it's the honest truth.  Somehow, in the past month, I have become an exercise addict.  Seriously.  I went to the gym twice today.  On Wednesday, I'm planning to go twice again, weights in the morning (45 min), Tai Chi in the afternoon (one hour), and then my usual cardio with stairclimber and eliptical (1 hour).  I feel a bit like I'm waiting for the ebb to come ripping me back out to sea (how's that for a metaphor?), but so far, all is good.

The thing I noticed recently was that my neck doesn't hurt when I'm really working out.  Sweat slicking back my bangs working out.  It stops hurting for a bit, so I just want to prolong it.  I'm sure this will lead to other things-- my neck, the boney part, was hurting this weekend.  What's that about?  There was joint pain down my spine, but the muscle was fine.  But I didn't really care about that pain-- so much less than what I'm used to.  And this kind of muscle pain is nice.

I've also realized that my mind works better if I read while doing cardio.  I know it sounds like that would detract from the work out, but somehow it makes it more intense.  Not sure how that works out.  I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain and Greenberg's The Body Broken while working out this week.  The theological text was a little rough at first, but no worries.  I'll need to do an overview when I'm done.  Greenberg's text is pretty alarming-- the idea of having a terrible accident then feeling better for twenty years and having it all come back.  It's my worst nightmare- if ever I get through this-- the idea of it returning someday.

Anyway, I'm thinking of training for a triathlon, since I'm going to be working out so much for temporary pain relief anyway.  I know it's a little sad, because I'm only addicted to the passing cessation of pain, but I'll take what I can get.  Especially since I'll be going to PT for the third or forth go around (not session, understand, but entirely new PT and series of sessions), and have no hope that it will help.

But then, there's also the whole being booted from your disability community if your disability heals.  I should do a post on that sometime- hm....

The problem with pain

The problem with pain is that it never manifests simply as pain.  Pain in itself is bad enough, but as it is so often the effect of some other ailment or unfortunate occurrence (but not always), it often acts as the cause of so many other conditions: depression, insomnia, fatigue, irritability, etc. etc. etc.

It is, I think, depression that is the worst.  I don't mean to blame my pain for all of it; in fact, I've had depression on and off since elementary school (isn't it funny- we "have" depression like we "have" sex.  The possessive nature of certain wordings always fascinates me).  But it would certainly be unfair to blame my depression for my pain, though they often do make fine dance partners.

Stress and sorrow always seem to worsen pain.  In my case, of course, it is the simple fact of the pain's muscular nature (I just found out a fancy new way to refer to my precise condition-- myofascial pain syndrome) that allows the moods to aggravate it.  Consider the ways in which we all are affected by anxiety-- it is simply multiplied by the already plagued muscles.  The worst of it, however, I feel comes from the way that a pain so cleverly handled/ignored can sneak into the subconscious and leave one crying without feeling any genuine reason.

Today, I was filled with melancholy.  Everything made me emotional; much like I always cry at a Hallmark commercial (a bit cliche, yes, but I'm too depressed, ergo this post, to come up with something cleverer), I found myself in tears at the smallest of things.  Advertisements for comedies, a review of Lottery Ticket (they mentioned Bow Wow's friendship to a co-star), listening to a piece of The Old Man in the Sea in the car (and not even a sad bit- they were talking about baseball).

But also, there was the exhaustion.  It feels in this case much like having had one too many drinks.  There's some dizziness to it, and it almost tricks you into thinking you've caused your own weepiness.  (Small note- having actually had a few glasses of wine at this point, I actually am feeling quite a bit better-- wine always helps a little, despite being a depressant.  I wonder why that is?  Relaxation aid?  Antioxidants?).  In reality, however, I know that my trigger point injections are the culprits.  I had almost twenty of them on Wednesday and, whatever Web MD (or my dr at that..) might say, they hurt.

Well, one hurt quite terribly, anyway.  A few didn't hurt at all.  Most of them, however, just hurt a fair bit.  Afterwards, the entire span of my back ached.  I know it will feel better tomorrow, but I know the realization that I will be having this treatment again and again, at least once a month, for the time being (and now the Buddhologist in my yells 有時!  Which is to say that the time being is now is forever, but that's another story...). 

Such agony relived.  That's not even the worst of it, alas!, I return to physical therapy (can't say PT anymore after trying a physical trainer) for the forth time since the accident.  So, I suppose in addition to all the other factors, the loss of faith can also be quite dismantling.  I don't merely mean religious faith, but the loss of any sense of confidence in medicine and, eventually, humanity.  (Side note, again: I really should get to reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain and see what insights he had into the religiousity of pain).  Yes, I know that pain is so often construed as a blessing in the religious sense, but even Jesus' physical suffering was short-lived, and Buddha Gotama at least had a choice in his life.  To have long-lasting terrible pain with no hope of its end apart from death and no choice at all feels both silencing and killing.

At some point, I will have to talk about the death thing in more detail, but it leads to some dark philosophy, which I'm afraid might lead to my institutionalization versus recognition as philosopher.  I should include one of Nietzsche's essays on the benefits of pain as well.

The real trouble is that as much as I can philosophically and theologically believe that there is some good in this pain, I have an ineffable urge to rip it from out me, cast it to the ground, point at it, and call it "enemy!"  Which is ridiculous.  We all have pain.  Insert platitude here.

In any case, I can feel all of these elements eating away at me-- the pain, the depression, the faithlessness, and the exhaustion.  So much of me wants to enter the "academy" to speak to these issues autoethnographically (it is one thing to speak of pain, another to live it constantly), but oh how the pain likes to taunt.  How can I consider pain deeply while the pain itself distracts the mind?  The physical is such a powerful space.

Well, I will get back to this later, and actually bring in some of the thoughts I've only mentioned from far greater minds than my own.  Just received Woolfe's On Being Ill from the library, which should talk about her migraines and depression, I think.  It's short, so I'm expecting to read it soon and tie her sufferings in to all of this. 

As said, I am exhausted, and will now sleep.  Sorry for the thousand tangents.  I'm not unconvinced it isn't consistent with sister speak :)

Three more essays

McMahon's "House and Sartre: 'Hell is Other People'."

The overall point of this essay isn't hugely useful, to be perfectly honest.  Essentially, McMahon argues that House, like Sartre, believes that "Hell is other people."  Other people are irritating and obnoxious because they 1) distract us from our self-absorbed lives in which we are completely living within our experiences, 2) others can be competitors for resources necessary to life, can inhibit our necessary activities, and can kill us, 3) experiences with others lead them to objectify us, remind us that we are limited by our bodies and will one day die (18-20).  Yet we need others, both to interact with and to take care of us, as is depicted in House's care for others who would otherwise die.  We also are said to need each other socially, we prefer to be in this hell that is other people, even though they are so damn irritating.

Anyway, I'm more interested in specific sections of this essay.  In particular, the author explains Sartre's "bad faith" as "varied efforts that individuals take to escape disturbing aspects of the human condition" (24).  It is to deny the existence of some element of oneself, one's being.  It is, when of necessity making a choice (and what isn't a choice?), excusing your will from the equation- "I cannot drop out of school because it would disappoint my mother."  Really, it is your decision, even in religious matters- "I cannot kill because God prohibits it."

Now, the author of this essay extends the idea to House's chronic pain.  The idea that he believes he has no choice but to take Vicodin and be misanthropic because of his pain, but really it is his decision (24).  This is complete bullshit.  I don't even care if my response is unscholarly because this philosophy-writer (I won't even give her the title philosopher, I am so angry) has absolutely no understanding of what long-term terrible pain is.  It is not a decision to be in pain-- this is uncontrollable.  The Vicodin is not a solution to pain.  I'm not sure where this perception comes from-- Vicodin merely lessens the intensity of the pain, if effective, and there are extremely unpleasant side effects in many cases.  Yes, he is deciding to take pain medication, but it is literally an alternative to dying.  It is impossible to live with terrible pain that will not end-- suicide would become a necessity, not a choice.  And how can one have control over one's emotions?  What a mind-elevating thought!  I will control my depression with just my mind- hurrah!  Very Tom Cruise-ian.  I really hope that people in general do not feel this way about pain.

McMahon also mentions an episode entitles "One Day, One Room" in which House ends up providing care for a rape victim after she specifically asks for him following their meeting during his clinic hours.  That House would agree to this, I think, demonstrates empathy, which the author completely ignores.  Perhaps he literally understands her pain.  I would like to argue that chronic pain sufferers have more empathy, and I think that House shows this nicely.  Sure, he isn't sunny, but he obsesses over his patients and dead colleagues.  I will need to consider this further.


Goldblatt's "Is There a Superman in the House?: A Nietzschean Point of View."

Goldblatt argues that House may be Nietzsche's Übermensch, as explained in Thus Spoke Zarasthura, "an extraordinary individual who transcends the limits of traditional moralityto live purely by the will to power" (Kemerling).  Well, House certainly lives outside of the rules of traditional morality.  He straight out says "humanity is overrated" after all. He doesn't bureaucratically flaunt the rules as one of the world's leading diagnosticians, he simply ignores that the rules exist.  I would argue that he only gets away with it because of his status, by which he achieves power in the hospital setting, but then this isn't a cultural studies essay.

In any case, the real juice of the essay comes from the section called "Pain," in which it is suggested that House's chronic pain is what allows him to be so accomplished and Übermensch-y, "via focus and intensity" (36).  I really doubt that the pain allows for any more focus; pain generally acts as a pretty good distraction from anything that isn't the reality of the aching now.  In any case, Silk and Stern consider Prometheus and Oedipus as original models for the Übermensch (36)-- in what ways does pain contribute to Übermensch-ianism (okay, I may be stretching the neologisms a bit).  Prometheus daily had (and still has, according to the myth- as eternity continues even still) his liver eaten by an eagle and Oedipus presumably had swollen feet and ankles.  House's genius as a diagnostician is attributed to his pain, as is the greatness of Prometheus and Oedipus.

Again, annoyances.  Goldblatt straight out says that House's pain may be psychosomatic.  There is evidence in the series, but that annoys me as well.  In the episode "Three Stories" we see his leg-- the muscle is completely gone.  There is real pain and a real physical cause.  Real pain can be alleviated by non-medical relief methods, and this, I think, is too often ignored.  Why is meditation not seen as a legitimate means by which to deal with the reality of chronic pain?

Furthermore, House's pain is referred to as a "flaw" (37).  I'm not sure what Goldblatt's definition of flaw is, but I find it insanely irksome used in this context.  The idea is that House would be perfect, if not for his pain.  Why do all of these authors assume that he is only a jerk because of pain-- the wider implication is that all chronic pain sufferers are misanthropic, which simply isn't true.  Many of us are lovely people (okay, I've lost the logic, but you know what I mean).  We are not deeply flawed or broken-- we simply are and are chronic pain sufferers.  Oh, if only I was up on my Derrida, I could get into signifiers and signified.  Another time...


Dryden's "House and Moral Luck"

This article really wasn't helpful at all, so there's no point summarizing it.  I thought there was something to mention, but nope.  In any case, this essay was really interesting-- the idea of consequence defining the degree of an offense.  And the "magic bullet" that is the consent form. ...  So... anyway...


Works Cited

Cline, Austin. "Bad Faith & Fallenness: Themes and Ideas in Existential Thought." About.com. 2010. 29 July 2010  http://atheism.about.com/od/existentialistthemes/a/badfaith.htm.

Dryden, Jane. "House and Moral Luck." House and Philosophy: Everybody Lies. Ed. Henry Jacoby. Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series. Series Ed. William Irwin. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2009. 39-51.

Goldblatt, David. "Is There a Superman in the House?: A Nietzschean Point of View." House and Philosophy: Everybody Lies. Ed. Henry Jacoby. Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series. Series Ed. William Irwin. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2009. 30-38.

Jacoby, Henry. "Selfish, Base Animals Crawling Across the Earth: House and the Meaning of Life." House and Philosophy: Everybody Lies. Ed. Henry Jacoby. Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series. Series Ed. William Irwin. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2009. 5-16.

Kemerling, Garth. "Ubermensch." Philosophical Dictionary. 2002. 29 July 2010 http://www.philosophypages.com/dy/u.htm.

McMahon, Jennifer L. "House and Sartre: 'Hell is Other People'." House and Philosophy: Everybody Lies. Ed. Henry Jacoby. Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series. Series Ed. William Irwin. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2009. 17-29.

Diomedes

Diomedes

Philoctetes lost in exile, marooned on Lemnos. He had such a love
for bloodshed.
Death in war is quick,
    in our dreams he imagined his head removed
    by one swing of a mighty weapon
    wielded by a great Trojan hero.
        Hector is dead.

Achilles was killed by poison, wasn’t he? Perhaps
the greatest warriors are fated to slow and toxic deaths,
retribution for a life spent so adeptly taking the lives
    of others.
A snake bite was enough; poor Philoctetes,
    left behind.

It did not take the body, instead it stole away with his soul.

Left because of throbbing foot, no ointment.
    You'll be back,
    come to get my bow; I had sympathy for Heracles.
Poor Heracles
dying demi-man, the shirt of Nessus
burnt and poisoned him, carelessly
but quietly removing his flesh. He was driven mad
by the bloodthirsty gods, and killed his own
children, Chalkoarai. In the end
    he stood upon the funeral pyre and screamed
    for just one brave man. I lit the fire
    that relieved his agony,     and he became my god.

They’ll come back for me. Odysseus
would leave behind a wounded friend. He
was no brave man; the gods will not
                                           favor him.

Penelope, wait not
    for a man so cruel as take from a dying man
his pride, leave him behind with no glory, let him
perish alone and aching, growing old. Warriors
should not live to middle age. I have lost
                                                     my youth to Lemnos.

What does a war need but foolhardy youths and constant lovers?

Let me go to die at war. There is nothing
more noble than the passion
to perish in blood, fighting
for beauty, the beauty of a stolen woman, doubtlessly ravaged
and homesick. We are all destined to have bodies
    ravaged and a longing for home that aches
        like a toxic arrow in the foot. And I am left

                                               alone.

here's the rub

So, I picked up a copy of House and Philosophy: Everybody Lies.  I'm working on a paper on representations of CNCP in House, M.D., particularly that experiences by House himself.  The show really goes into CNCP, digging in to causes, side effects, overall influences on life.  But would we say that it accurately portrays the life of a chronic pain sufferer (ah, I switched back)?  I really need to read some of the transcripts or re-watch some episodes, but I've honestly been pretty pleased with the picture overall.  Except for the whole empathy thing.

Anyway, the first essay in House and Philosophy focuses on Socrates' "the unexamined life is not worth living."  Basically, Jacoby, the author, argues that House is or at least may be living the good life because he simultaneously lives a life devoted to logic and puzzle solving while, whether as his purpose or not, helps people.  God is said to be unimportant, particularly as House is an atheist.  Well, it was a short paper and pretty darned dumbed down, to be honest.  Hurrah for definitions of nihilism and subjectivity. 

The trouble is, (here's the rub) so far, it seems that House's chronic pain is only tangentially mentioned, generally in a "pill-popping" line briefly giving his personality.  It isn't just this book, but pretty much every article I've read on House, M.D. thus far.  I would argue that chronic pain is essentially linked to the lives, philosophies, personalities, etc. of everyone possessed by it.  I don't see how "the good life" can be equated with "a meaningful life" in this context.  And I think his pain is more than significant when considering the line "I find it more comforting to believe that this [life] isn't simply a test"(qtd. 7).  If House believes only in the present life, what misery must he feel in the reality of it being so marred by pain?

Oh, and what's with this line on page 14: "For [House], it's more about solving the puzzle.  Why?  Because that satisfies him?  And it takes away his pain?".  It takes away his pain?  What?  Where did that idea come from?  I find writing poetry mentally stimulating, but I certainly wouldn't go as far as to say that it takes away my pain.  This book was published in 2009, which means that the essays were most likely written before House goes off Vicodin.  Let's consider that maybe Vicodin both allows for this alleged existing "good life" and the removal of (some) pain. 

Not to mention (well, actually, to mention) the pretentiousness of Jacoby's closing lines, "How miserable can [House] be saving lives, sleeping around, and doing drugs?  Pass Aristotle the Vicodin" (15).  At what point are people going to start distinguishing between recreational opiate use and medical opiate use?  Taking Vicodin isn't fun if you're in chronic pain; generally, after taking multiple pills of high dosages, you will still be in extreme pain.  It is merely lessened to some degree, hopefully leaving you functional.  This constant "pill popping" phraseology is at least made clear in intent with the "doing drugs" line.  There really seems to exist this general opinion that House is a drug addict versus opiate dependent. 

I'll really need to get into Jemma Theivendran's article on opiate use in House, M.D. later this week.  Short article, very insightful.  Not sure I agree with her methods though.

TTFN

Works Cited

Jacoby, Henry. "Selfish, Base Animals Crawling Across the Earth: House and the Meaning of Life." House and Philosophy: Everybody Lies. Ed. Henry Jacoby. Blackwell Philosophy and Pop Culture Series. Series Ed. William Irwin. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 2009. 5-16.

empathy

I've been thinking a lot about CNCPers (yes, yes, I am trying not to say "chronic pain sufferers" because it is too non-secular (or is it not secular enough?).  I really enjoy using the term "sufferer" because I associate with dukkha-- life is suffering.  I wrote a paper on the benefits of pain for reaching nirvana after all, even if I didn't buy into it at the time.

Quite the tangent...

So, I was told today that I am stressing far too much about things that aren't really my problem-- trying to fix the problems of all those around me.  I'm not sure if it's true for me, but I started applying the idea to other CNCPers (Chronic Non-Cancer Pain... ers... I didn't want to say patients!).  It's really interesting to see the degree to which others bend over backwards to help relative strangers.  I wonder if there are any studies on CNCPers and empathy.

Which is why I tend to lean towards annoyance with regard to House, M.D.  Though I enjoy the show, I just wonder why they didn't decide to make a character with chronic pain more compassionate towards the pain of his patients.  I remember an episode where a patient literally dies from pain (how dramatic!) and House remains callous, at least externally.  

I need to print out some articles on empathy.  Oh, it is a tangent-y time.  Strange how this blog also acts as a chronicle of medication side effects.  I think my nighttime pills have already started working quite beautifully, bringing me to loopy joy. 

Medication

Here's the worst of it, plain and simple.  I forgot to take my medications this morning.  I put them all together in my pill box and everything, it's just that I was so busy at work, I didn't remember.

My mistake only occurred to me when the pain got so terrible I opened my pill box to get some extra pain medication. 

The trouble is, I don't want people to see my taking so many pills either.  The best strategy so far seems to be laughing off the ability to swallow so many pills, a few very big, at once-- some joke about fellatio. 

There's always the thought of throwing them all away, but days like this remind me why that'll probably never happen.

thoughts- a free write

Solving disease or solving me?  I'm not looking for a cure.  I read an article today on House M.D. called "The Afterbirth of the Clinic: a Foucauldian perspective on 'House M.D.' and American medicine in the 21st century."  Modernist healers approach disease like a mystery to be solved objectively-- distance yourself from the suffering.  House spending as little time with the patients as possible.

In the absence of a cure, can't I ask just for a bit of respect?  The exhaustion of having one's intelligence questioned-- what sort of idiot believes she can heal long-term muscle damage through Qigong?

Philoctetes lost in exile, marooned on Lemnos with a snakebite wound.  Left because of throbbing foot.  You'll be back, come to get my bow.  I had sympathy for Heracles.

The thing about House is, he knows pain.  We all know pain, that's true- thus the noble truth of suffering.  Dukkha.  But continuous pain, how can I accept this pain if I don't believe it has made me more empathetic? 

The finale, it haunts me.  Knowing that such pain and pain-related sadness would come to pass, who wouldn't wish for an alternative?  House wishes he'd chosen amputation.  Oh, if only the pain weren't in my neck.  Even then, haven't I considered it?

These hells. It is easier to call it myth than to consider Sisyphus rolling his boulder up and up and up always knowing it will roll back down, his back constantly aching.  Prometheus, loving soul, his liver consumed daily, all for stealing fire.  I imagine his children were freezing.  Atlas carries the burden of the world on his literal shoulders.

For eternity.  It makes me consider whether or not this pain will follow me when I "shuffle[..] off this mortal coil." 

Anyway, no more free writing for me.  It just loops around too strangely.  Let us blame my new medicines- meloxicam and neurotin.  Oy.

Works Cited

Rich, Leigh, et al. "The Afterbirth of the Clinic: a Foucauldian perspective on 'House M.D.' and American medicine in the 21st century." Perspectives in Biology and Medicine 51.2 (spring 2008): 220-237.

Sophocles. Philoctetes. Trans. Carl Phillips. Oxford and New York: Oxford UP, 2003.