Curses! Oh cruelest and coldest of days! Oh, sweet lament and terror! Damn damn AND damn!
ahem...
So, I am told that I really ought to do Chiropractic. As you may have already gleamed from the above (^), I'm not 100% thrilled about the prospect. Not 1% thrilled either. I have heard such awful things about chiropractic (and it's hard to spell to boot!). Word on the street is the CT (chiropractic therapist?... well, I'm sure as hell not spelling out chiropractor every single time!) makes you dependent on his/er services. So that you can't ever feel good again if you quit! This does not sound like a place I want to be!
But my MT says that if I want my muscles to get "reprogrammed" (I'm a computer now?), I must have my joints reprogrammed as well. According to him, one of my shoulders juts forward a bit more than the other, which contributes to my muscle pain. I wonder, though, because one of my PTs (phys therapist not phys trainer) forgot that I had been hit by the semi once and that that was the cause of my pain, and he started going on about how my lousy posture was to blame for the pain. As opposed to the pain being the cause of my lousy posture. So, I'm not sure if my MT forgot as well. I have a sneaking suspicion that he did.
I shouldn't be so closed minded about chiropractic. I mean, I had to look it up on Wikipedia to know that it wasn't chiropractry. My spell check just went crazy. Anyway, that must be a pretty good indication that I don't know much, and really, what do all seven hundred people I've consulted about chiropractic know anyway? Ha...
So, let's visit his website. It is on his business card. It is Bothell Chiropractic and is apparently really ridiculously close to my MT. And uses the exact same logo as my former PT. Coincidence? I think not.
He has a "Dr" title on his business card. Let's see what it's in. Hm, the site about him is conveniently "under construction." Will assume his doctorate is in Germanic Folklore and he knows nothing about limbs whatever. Except my happy pills won't let me be pessimistic.
Okay. What else does it tell us? Oooh, they used a metaphor. I love metaphors:
"Chiropractic care is like building a house – certain things have to happen in a particular order in order for everything to stand strong and work correctly. When building a house, if you tried to put up your walls before you had a solid foundation, your walls would be weak and eventually collapse. If you tried to put on your roof before the walls were ready, you would run into the same problem. The same is true for your body. Your body has to go through a particular plan of care in order to repair itself correctly and fully. There are three general phases of chiropractic care . . ."
Well, I probably will need to call tomorrow. Which means I really, really need to call the lawyer too (at some point, I really will blog about my lawsuit, I promise!). I wonder how I can put the herbal remedies on the "bill"?
Anyway, with chiropractic added to my schedule, that means I will attend the following appointments to manage pain EVERY WEEK:
Tai Chi (45 min)
Qigong (45 min) (as a side note, I heard some people in my office talking about a study involving Qigong as a cure for cancer pain. I'll try to find it and post it here later).
Weights (3 days a week, 45 min)
Massage Therapy (1 hour)
Acupuncture (1 hour)
Psychology- for pain-based depression and pain management techniques (1 hour)
Not including the weights, I already spend 4.5 hrs a week in pain management ness, with weights, it goes up to 6.75, with chiro it will be 7.75! A whole work day's worth of pain management! Plus, I really need to get into some sort of pain support group that actually meets at a time I can go. I should talk with D on Tuesday to see if she's interested (she has rheumatoid arthritis- ow.)
Here's hoping!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Reminding Myself Why I Quit the Vicodin
I can't believe I haven't posted this poem yet. I wrote it a while ago after I started hallucinating from the effects of Vicodin. I kept seeing this man leaning over me with a knife, and I'd scream and throw myself away. I actually ended up injuring myself- hrm. So, obviously I stopped taking the beloved drug for a reason (and by "beloved," I mean "accursed" and "wretched" and "god-awful").
To the man who surely would have killed me if he had just been real
Well, you’ve visited me almost five times now
and every time you’ve failed to impale me with your enormous knife
You have that jagged blade that catches the moonlight even when there is no moon
and dark clothing that I suppose is a mix between an undertaker and a ninja
though the silly bandana over your mouth and nose is more Western rogue-ish
and how the devil do I know you’re smiling when your lips are covered, anyway?
We’ve lost the passion of our early days, you and I, and fallen into a routine.
You lunge, I scream and propel myself away, and then you simply disappear
the cat looks at me irritably and you aren’t there to take the blame
which really makes you like every other man I’ve known
After all this time, I still haven’t seen your face, but I imagine you must be handsome
because, after all, why shouldn’t you be?
I can’t remember your eyes; maybe you wear sunglasses, which is just ridiculous
and might account for why your aim is always so far off
Oh, my mysterious visitor with your phallus-like choice of weapon
I am beginning to wonder if you aren’t the creation of a mind that hates the romantic
but only when it is sensible enough to be awake
and, if you please, if you couldn’t one day try to become some sort of erotic fantasy
I think that that would be just fine
Amanda Martin 2009
To the man who surely would have killed me if he had just been real
Well, you’ve visited me almost five times now
and every time you’ve failed to impale me with your enormous knife
You have that jagged blade that catches the moonlight even when there is no moon
and dark clothing that I suppose is a mix between an undertaker and a ninja
though the silly bandana over your mouth and nose is more Western rogue-ish
and how the devil do I know you’re smiling when your lips are covered, anyway?
We’ve lost the passion of our early days, you and I, and fallen into a routine.
You lunge, I scream and propel myself away, and then you simply disappear
the cat looks at me irritably and you aren’t there to take the blame
which really makes you like every other man I’ve known
After all this time, I still haven’t seen your face, but I imagine you must be handsome
because, after all, why shouldn’t you be?
I can’t remember your eyes; maybe you wear sunglasses, which is just ridiculous
and might account for why your aim is always so far off
Oh, my mysterious visitor with your phallus-like choice of weapon
I am beginning to wonder if you aren’t the creation of a mind that hates the romantic
but only when it is sensible enough to be awake
and, if you please, if you couldn’t one day try to become some sort of erotic fantasy
I think that that would be just fine
Amanda Martin 2009
"Alternative" Medicine
I'm not 100% sure I'm okay with the term "alternative". Or "Eastern." Definitely not "Oriental." What a problem. I can't even come up with a way to describe the medicine I'm trying. Homeopathic? I will have to do some research.
Okay, so I do acupuncture (one c, why? Apparently I can't access the OED off-campus, but I will try to remember to look it up on Tuesday) at the East Wind Acupuncture Clinic in Bothell. The main page describes what she practices (with herbs and acupuncture) as:
Traditional Chinese Medicine using acupuncture, Chinese and Western herbal medicine and nutritional supplements.
"Herbal medicine." So, now we know. I have some herbal medicine from the acupuncturist, which was very expensive and tastes awful. You put two tiny spoonfuls (they provide you with a baby spoon) in a small amount of water and chug it down quick as you can (not because the directions say so, but because it tastes so nasty. Seriously. Like mud and cinnamon). And it cost about forty dollars, which I don't so much have as now owe.
But it worked, at least at first. I've taken it three times so far, and the first two times the pain went away. But now I have a terrible headache and I've already had as much as you can consume in a single day! Curses! I will have to go back to my tea . It is now brewing, and I will tell you how it goes. That one seems less potent, but it does help take the edge off.
A gal in class tonight told me about this place downtown. I promised myself I would remember the name without writing it down, but apparently I am an ass to myself. Oh... well, I remembered "rainbow" and knew that it's in Seattle, and apparently that was enough. It is called Rainbow Natural Remedies and is in the U District (the other U, not the Bothell one... or the Tacoma one...) That is very convenient. I hear that they will personalize your herbs and make a tea to soothe your particular ailment/s. And that it is CHEAP. Well, I can handle cheap (what I can't handle is $40 for a medicine that only works twice! Oh, it is called Qian Zheng San... and I can't understand any of the sites that give info on it.) I'll try to get a book from the library on these herbal remedies. Anyway, I should be able to get to the U District next Friday, so I'll let you know how it goes!
Anyway, that is what is on my mind. Crazy pain level right now, and all I want to do is take the Vicodin. I shall persevere! Rawr!
P: 9
M: 8 (oh, btw, I think the anti-depressant, Cytomel, is working!)
Okay, so I do acupuncture (one c, why? Apparently I can't access the OED off-campus, but I will try to remember to look it up on Tuesday) at the East Wind Acupuncture Clinic in Bothell. The main page describes what she practices (with herbs and acupuncture) as:
Traditional Chinese Medicine using acupuncture, Chinese and Western herbal medicine and nutritional supplements.
"Herbal medicine." So, now we know. I have some herbal medicine from the acupuncturist, which was very expensive and tastes awful. You put two tiny spoonfuls (they provide you with a baby spoon) in a small amount of water and chug it down quick as you can (not because the directions say so, but because it tastes so nasty. Seriously. Like mud and cinnamon). And it cost about forty dollars, which I don't so much have as now owe.
But it worked, at least at first. I've taken it three times so far, and the first two times the pain went away. But now I have a terrible headache and I've already had as much as you can consume in a single day! Curses! I will have to go back to my tea . It is now brewing, and I will tell you how it goes. That one seems less potent, but it does help take the edge off.
A gal in class tonight told me about this place downtown. I promised myself I would remember the name without writing it down, but apparently I am an ass to myself. Oh... well, I remembered "rainbow" and knew that it's in Seattle, and apparently that was enough. It is called Rainbow Natural Remedies and is in the U District (the other U, not the Bothell one... or the Tacoma one...) That is very convenient. I hear that they will personalize your herbs and make a tea to soothe your particular ailment/s. And that it is CHEAP. Well, I can handle cheap (what I can't handle is $40 for a medicine that only works twice! Oh, it is called Qian Zheng San... and I can't understand any of the sites that give info on it.) I'll try to get a book from the library on these herbal remedies. Anyway, I should be able to get to the U District next Friday, so I'll let you know how it goes!
Anyway, that is what is on my mind. Crazy pain level right now, and all I want to do is take the Vicodin. I shall persevere! Rawr!
P: 9
M: 8 (oh, btw, I think the anti-depressant, Cytomel, is working!)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
What to do, what to do?
What is there to do about such great pain mixed with a work and school life? How much can I talk about the condition without becoming known as a "whiner"? How much do people know about chronic pain? Should I try to start a support group on campus? But then you have to go to training... ew.
Apparently it is Disability Awareness Month. Consider yourself "aware." There's also going to be some mini-documentaries shot about kids on campus with disabilities. I kinda just volunteered, but maybe they won't want me. I guess we'll see? Not sure if I really have the time to work on this project anyway, but maybe it will help with the whole "healing/dealing" process.
Seeing my "Capstone Adviser" (no more air quotes- have hit quota)on Tuesday, who is one of the profs in my class (yes, singular- I don't feel like explaining but let it be known that I am very busy with this class). I don't know if I feel comfortable talking candidly about how much pain I'm in all the time, because I really really really don't want to sound like a self-pitying little thing. But I also need someone to talk to about this problem and, being my adviser, it ought be him. Right? "Of course, right" (those aren't air quotes- I'm actually quoting from Fiddler on the Roof).
It must be obvious to some degree though. I went to the bathroom and got a paper towel then doused it in cold water and put it on my neck during class today (was that sentence as messy as it sounded in my head?). But I tried to be discreet about it. But should I? Gah!
I don't know how secret I should be about it, or if anyone really cares and I'm just being ridiculous. But then, if they don't care, then I think they should be more aware of this problem. It is a stressful thing!
Well, I guess I'll just plow into the meeting and tell you (hrm or me, because I don't think anyone reads this) how it goes. Cheers!
<3
P: 8
M: 7
Apparently it is Disability Awareness Month. Consider yourself "aware." There's also going to be some mini-documentaries shot about kids on campus with disabilities. I kinda just volunteered, but maybe they won't want me. I guess we'll see? Not sure if I really have the time to work on this project anyway, but maybe it will help with the whole "healing/dealing" process.
Seeing my "Capstone Adviser" (no more air quotes- have hit quota)on Tuesday, who is one of the profs in my class (yes, singular- I don't feel like explaining but let it be known that I am very busy with this class). I don't know if I feel comfortable talking candidly about how much pain I'm in all the time, because I really really really don't want to sound like a self-pitying little thing. But I also need someone to talk to about this problem and, being my adviser, it ought be him. Right? "Of course, right" (those aren't air quotes- I'm actually quoting from Fiddler on the Roof).
It must be obvious to some degree though. I went to the bathroom and got a paper towel then doused it in cold water and put it on my neck during class today (was that sentence as messy as it sounded in my head?). But I tried to be discreet about it. But should I? Gah!
I don't know how secret I should be about it, or if anyone really cares and I'm just being ridiculous. But then, if they don't care, then I think they should be more aware of this problem. It is a stressful thing!
Well, I guess I'll just plow into the meeting and tell you (hrm or me, because I don't think anyone reads this) how it goes. Cheers!
<3
P: 8
M: 7
"How Relaxing!"
Bitch, don't get me started. Seriously, I am sick of people saying the above when I tell them I go to acupuncture and massage every week. Relaxing? Maybe for people who enjoy these services for the hell of it, but for moody, achy me and my sad, hallow-eyed peers, there is only inevitable pain. It takes pain to relieve pain, didn't you know?
Acupuncture. Oh my fucking God. (Thank goodness I don't send the link to this blog to anyone and am rambling on to myself). Everyone told me it would be so wonderful and wouldn't hurt and fairies would float around singing and flinging flower petals. Everyone was full of it, apparently, or had no reason to go to the acupuncturist in the first place. Acupuncture hurts, at least for me, and a lot. It is insanely unpleasant. They poke you with needles all over and the pain kinda radiates then goes away then comes back. Plus, you're alone and you can't really go to sleep because you aren't supposed to move. You just sit there with "Pure Moods" playing and every once in a while the acupuncturist comes in and adjusts the temperature.
Additionally, I think I had an allergic reaction of some kind to either the metal used in the needles or the fabric softener used on the hospital gown, because I was crazy itchy on my neck and hand after leaving. Had bumps where there were needles in my neck. I'm not sure what this is all about. I was going to ask some of the folks at Tai Chi today, but I forgot.
Now, massage, massage is the real killer. It hurts like hell and people are always saying how lucky I am to get to go once a week without paying. Sure, it all gets folded up in the pretty lawsuit/guy who hit me/his company will pay it all in the end. Assuming I don't lose my lawsuit. Ew. Anyway, I don't have to pay- huzzah? But shoot girl, shoot, it hurts like hell.
There are about ten minutes of every hour of massage that don't hurt. Everything else hurts and a lot. My muscles are being "reprogrammed" but more like I "reprogram" the route of my ball in a pinball machine- by hitting it as hard as I can. The MT's hands feel like knives- sometimes I really start to wonder if I'm being sliced open but am too dumb to realize it. There's no blood yet though. Hrm.
Plus, my MT plays Pure Moods too. So I get to hear the whole CD twice a week and, let me tell you, it ain't that thrilling. I was going to "take back my time" by making my own mix, but the whacked-out computer problem nixed that idea for now. Anything but pure moods though... I'm sure I must have something. I have random songs from that damn CD going willy nilly through my head.
Anyway...
M:3
P:6
Acupuncture. Oh my fucking God. (Thank goodness I don't send the link to this blog to anyone and am rambling on to myself). Everyone told me it would be so wonderful and wouldn't hurt and fairies would float around singing and flinging flower petals. Everyone was full of it, apparently, or had no reason to go to the acupuncturist in the first place. Acupuncture hurts, at least for me, and a lot. It is insanely unpleasant. They poke you with needles all over and the pain kinda radiates then goes away then comes back. Plus, you're alone and you can't really go to sleep because you aren't supposed to move. You just sit there with "Pure Moods" playing and every once in a while the acupuncturist comes in and adjusts the temperature.
Additionally, I think I had an allergic reaction of some kind to either the metal used in the needles or the fabric softener used on the hospital gown, because I was crazy itchy on my neck and hand after leaving. Had bumps where there were needles in my neck. I'm not sure what this is all about. I was going to ask some of the folks at Tai Chi today, but I forgot.
Now, massage, massage is the real killer. It hurts like hell and people are always saying how lucky I am to get to go once a week without paying. Sure, it all gets folded up in the pretty lawsuit/guy who hit me/his company will pay it all in the end. Assuming I don't lose my lawsuit. Ew. Anyway, I don't have to pay- huzzah? But shoot girl, shoot, it hurts like hell.
There are about ten minutes of every hour of massage that don't hurt. Everything else hurts and a lot. My muscles are being "reprogrammed" but more like I "reprogram" the route of my ball in a pinball machine- by hitting it as hard as I can. The MT's hands feel like knives- sometimes I really start to wonder if I'm being sliced open but am too dumb to realize it. There's no blood yet though. Hrm.
Plus, my MT plays Pure Moods too. So I get to hear the whole CD twice a week and, let me tell you, it ain't that thrilling. I was going to "take back my time" by making my own mix, but the whacked-out computer problem nixed that idea for now. Anything but pure moods though... I'm sure I must have something. I have random songs from that damn CD going willy nilly through my head.
Anyway...
M:3
P:6
Friday, October 9, 2009
Partners against pain
I saw a commercial for this organization, Partners Against Pain, on TV tonight. I have never heard of this group, but they appear to work to help people with chronic pain (like meee!). Naomi Judd was in the advertisement (and she looked great, BTW). So, let's find out more about this thingy.
Website is: http://www.partnersagainstpain.com/
From the Purdue website (apparently they started PAP... worst initials ever...):
Partners Against Pain® is a resource that serves patients, caregivers, and healthcare professionals to help alleviate unnecessary suffering by advancing standards of pain care through education and advocacy.
In 1993, to raise awareness of the importance of pain management, Purdue Pharma L.P. established Partners Against Pain®, an alliance of patients, caregivers, and healthcare providers dedicated to pain management education and advocacy.
-- I'll look this site over more in the future but for now, I wanted to let you know that this sort of thing is out there! I am very excited because I feel like there aren't any support groups or much support at all for my condition. It's hard to go through alone!!!
P: 7
M: 8
Website is: http://www.partnersagainstpain.com/
From the Purdue website (apparently they started PAP... worst initials ever...):
Partners Against Pain® is a resource that serves patients, caregivers, and healthcare professionals to help alleviate unnecessary suffering by advancing standards of pain care through education and advocacy.
In 1993, to raise awareness of the importance of pain management, Purdue Pharma L.P. established Partners Against Pain®, an alliance of patients, caregivers, and healthcare providers dedicated to pain management education and advocacy.
-- I'll look this site over more in the future but for now, I wanted to let you know that this sort of thing is out there! I am very excited because I feel like there aren't any support groups or much support at all for my condition. It's hard to go through alone!!!
P: 7
M: 8
¡Happy Pills!
Yes, yes, I have succumbed to the glory of artificial joy. My psychologist recommended it months ago, so really I haven't been on the ball, but my goodness I'm on a lot of medications now- even though I weened myself off of the pain killers (none of any kind for three weeks now! That includes stopping Vicodin. feel empowered and in pain hrm...). They add up, you know? And it would be nice to take something to help me sleep when I'm in pain too, but that'd be too risky, and I hear those are super addictive.
So, I have begun taking Cymbalta, which works both for depression and pain from things like diabetes and fibromyalgia. I take this tiny pill two times a day, and it should help the pain a little bit (but I didn't know it would... I guess I am taking something for the pain medicine-wise then :( ) along with the pain-based depression. Who DOESN'T get depressed when they're in pain anyway?
I don't know how it'll work, if at all, yet, but I will be sure to keep you updated. I just worked out so this hyperactivity cannot be attributed to the medicine yet!
So, I have begun taking Cymbalta, which works both for depression and pain from things like diabetes and fibromyalgia. I take this tiny pill two times a day, and it should help the pain a little bit (but I didn't know it would... I guess I am taking something for the pain medicine-wise then :( ) along with the pain-based depression. Who DOESN'T get depressed when they're in pain anyway?
I don't know how it'll work, if at all, yet, but I will be sure to keep you updated. I just worked out so this hyperactivity cannot be attributed to the medicine yet!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Acupuncture
So, pretty much everyone has told me that acupuncture doesn't hurt, you don't feel a thing. Lies! You can completely feel the needles and they sometimes hurt, sometimes for a while and not such a small amount. It isn't as though you forget the needles are there, especially when they leave you lying there with nothing else to think about. Ew.
Really did not enjoy acupuncture. It didn't hurt that much but the lying there with nothing going on was crazy boring. The acupuncturist was probably in the room for two minutes total, putting in and taking out the needles. Felt like what my insurance was paying for was a short-term rental space, not a treatment. But we'll see if it works.
Speaking of boring things, my MT plays the same CD each week, Pure Moods. I know that it is Pure Moods because there were so many infomercials for the darn CD back in the 90's when I watched TV 24-7 (plus, I looked it up on Amazon to verify it). Good God! What do these people think, we enjoy the same ol' boring mix every time? The CD playing at acupuncture was equally unappealing.
I think I should just make my own "calming" mix CD and BYOCD. Make these experiences a little more enjoyable.
P: 7
M: 5
Really did not enjoy acupuncture. It didn't hurt that much but the lying there with nothing going on was crazy boring. The acupuncturist was probably in the room for two minutes total, putting in and taking out the needles. Felt like what my insurance was paying for was a short-term rental space, not a treatment. But we'll see if it works.
Speaking of boring things, my MT plays the same CD each week, Pure Moods. I know that it is Pure Moods because there were so many infomercials for the darn CD back in the 90's when I watched TV 24-7 (plus, I looked it up on Amazon to verify it). Good God! What do these people think, we enjoy the same ol' boring mix every time? The CD playing at acupuncture was equally unappealing.
I think I should just make my own "calming" mix CD and BYOCD. Make these experiences a little more enjoyable.
P: 7
M: 5
Would it Help if I Complained a Little More?
In general company I mean. I'm caught unaware by people in my circle who don't seem to know that I've been in pain the last three years, a lot of it terrible. How can they not know, right? It must've come up at some point- they should have seen me downing some pain pills or asking to borrow some or something. Should I have been more vocal about it, or were they just not paying attention?
I find myself getting irritated at people when they show the slightest impatience toward me. Or if they say they are too busy for something that I have made time to do- like a joint commitment that they back out of. I want to scream at them, tell them that I spend every goddamn Wednesday going from appointment to appointment to appointment, even though my psych. appointments are on Mondays but it works better verbally to put it all the same day. I still got acupuncture, massage, and Tai Chi- if I could have psych on Weds, I would, and maybe I will. Just would have to go to Issaquah, and that's kinda far.
I'm just so irritated right now. I'm tired of hearing about everyone else's problems without them listening or asking or caring about mine. You know? I probably mentioned my problem, and they weren't paying attention. Or they never asked why I take so many pain pills, or they just dismiss it. Maybe they think it's one of those little things so many people have. But it's not.
If I scream it loud or complain in depth, maybe give a little rant, maybe they'd get it. This isn't some little thing- it is my life interrupted and permanently. Even when I'm not in great pain I can remember what it was like and what it will assuredly be again. The memory is one of the worst parts - like in Buddhism one of the great sufferings is the realization that your happiness is only temporary.
Damn.
Tired of hearing of other people's problems. Seems like the only people who care about my thing is my closest family. Getting tired of no one caring. No one much asked me how grad school started either. Or my new job. Big things, big things.
Tired tired of giving.
P: 4
M: 2
I find myself getting irritated at people when they show the slightest impatience toward me. Or if they say they are too busy for something that I have made time to do- like a joint commitment that they back out of. I want to scream at them, tell them that I spend every goddamn Wednesday going from appointment to appointment to appointment, even though my psych. appointments are on Mondays but it works better verbally to put it all the same day. I still got acupuncture, massage, and Tai Chi- if I could have psych on Weds, I would, and maybe I will. Just would have to go to Issaquah, and that's kinda far.
I'm just so irritated right now. I'm tired of hearing about everyone else's problems without them listening or asking or caring about mine. You know? I probably mentioned my problem, and they weren't paying attention. Or they never asked why I take so many pain pills, or they just dismiss it. Maybe they think it's one of those little things so many people have. But it's not.
If I scream it loud or complain in depth, maybe give a little rant, maybe they'd get it. This isn't some little thing- it is my life interrupted and permanently. Even when I'm not in great pain I can remember what it was like and what it will assuredly be again. The memory is one of the worst parts - like in Buddhism one of the great sufferings is the realization that your happiness is only temporary.
Damn.
Tired of hearing of other people's problems. Seems like the only people who care about my thing is my closest family. Getting tired of no one caring. No one much asked me how grad school started either. Or my new job. Big things, big things.
Tired tired of giving.
P: 4
M: 2
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Migraines vs Bad Ass Headaches
I know, I know, it's terribly petty but it pisses me off to no end how many people claim to have migraines. Then they go on to say how they "handle" it- tough it out and stay at work or whatever, never calling in sick. Like I'm a weakling for having to stay in bed with my entire torso encased in ice and a blanket over my head with earplugs in.
You know what I mean? A real migraine means you can't much do anything- not watch tv, not listen to music, not move. It makes you throw up it hurts so bad. Maybe my definition of a migraine is just too limited by my experiences of pain.
Maybe not.
I think that a lot of people want to relate personally to what I'm going to, if I've told them about my pain issues, but I don't WANT them to relate. Because I don't think that most people can, really. I've been in extreme pain so often and since I was eighteen-years-old! The sort of pain I have is comparable to what 70-year-olds must endure- age pains, you know? But I'm young, so I'm angry that I have to deal with it now.
What's worse is that my psychologist says she has migraines, but the way she talks about it makes me think that they're just really bad headaches. Who could give a lecture to UW grad students with a migraine? It's impossible to think! But now I can't tell her about my frustrations, because she does the thing that frustrates me. Psychology is tricky.
Okay, I'm wiki-ing "migraine."
From Wikipedia:
Migraine is a neurological syndrome characterized by altered bodily perceptions, severe headaches, and nausea.
-- so what does "altered bodily perceptions" mean? Ah, lots of stuff. Like excessive "urination" and diarrhea. Blurred vision. Extreme sensitivity.
There are no words to say how awful it is to be in a level of pain characterized as a 10. That's the point at which you think about going to the kitchen and slicing open your wrist. I think the only times that I am truly depressed are when my pain peaks above a level of 8. Then, you can't help but watch your mood decline to the lows- 3 at the highest.
So when people try to compare an achy knee or things like that, I get pissed off. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. There's so much anger and I just don't know who to aim it at. It doesn't work to be angry at God or whoever/whatever you believe in. I can't believe that I'm being punished or I get depressed. It's easier to be mad at people.
As Helen says in Diary of a Mad Black Woman: "I'm not bitter. I'm mad as hell."
Though I don't know why I rant now- I'm in very low pain levels at the moment. Had a migraine night-before-last/yesterday morning though, and it stays with you (app. called the "postdrome phase.") ugh.
P: 3
M: 5
You know what I mean? A real migraine means you can't much do anything- not watch tv, not listen to music, not move. It makes you throw up it hurts so bad. Maybe my definition of a migraine is just too limited by my experiences of pain.
Maybe not.
I think that a lot of people want to relate personally to what I'm going to, if I've told them about my pain issues, but I don't WANT them to relate. Because I don't think that most people can, really. I've been in extreme pain so often and since I was eighteen-years-old! The sort of pain I have is comparable to what 70-year-olds must endure- age pains, you know? But I'm young, so I'm angry that I have to deal with it now.
What's worse is that my psychologist says she has migraines, but the way she talks about it makes me think that they're just really bad headaches. Who could give a lecture to UW grad students with a migraine? It's impossible to think! But now I can't tell her about my frustrations, because she does the thing that frustrates me. Psychology is tricky.
Okay, I'm wiki-ing "migraine."
From Wikipedia:
Migraine is a neurological syndrome characterized by altered bodily perceptions, severe headaches, and nausea.
-- so what does "altered bodily perceptions" mean? Ah, lots of stuff. Like excessive "urination" and diarrhea. Blurred vision. Extreme sensitivity.
There are no words to say how awful it is to be in a level of pain characterized as a 10. That's the point at which you think about going to the kitchen and slicing open your wrist. I think the only times that I am truly depressed are when my pain peaks above a level of 8. Then, you can't help but watch your mood decline to the lows- 3 at the highest.
So when people try to compare an achy knee or things like that, I get pissed off. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. There's so much anger and I just don't know who to aim it at. It doesn't work to be angry at God or whoever/whatever you believe in. I can't believe that I'm being punished or I get depressed. It's easier to be mad at people.
As Helen says in Diary of a Mad Black Woman: "I'm not bitter. I'm mad as hell."
Though I don't know why I rant now- I'm in very low pain levels at the moment. Had a migraine night-before-last/yesterday morning though, and it stays with you (app. called the "postdrome phase.") ugh.
P: 3
M: 5
Friday, October 2, 2009
Where did my modesty go?
It just feels like, at this point, all the modesty I once had has flown the coop. Seriously. Three years ago I would have felt insanely awkward being topless beneath a blanket in a room with a strange man- but massage therapy is really different based on the gender of your MT. At least, that has been my experience. I didn't realize I'd scheduled with a man at first- but it didn't matter much after the fact, right? I was already in there, so I was gonna go through with the massage.
I felt a little awkward, I guess, but he's a health care professional. At least that's what I kept telling myself.
Anyway, the massage was a lot different than those I've had in the past. I think that the reason is because the MT was a man (is a man... I'm seeing the same fellow again on Wednesday). The women MT's seemed much gentler, like you were poked a bit but not much really happened. With this guy, everything was painful and it has been hurting a lot since. But he really sounded like he knew what he was talking about- realigning my muscles and overcoming muscle memory and all that. He really seemed to think that he could make the pain go away after a few more sessions.
Probably too optimistic, but anyway, this post is meant to be about a loss of modesty.
I got a gift certificate to go to a spa for a massage treatment and some sort of full-body facial-type thing, which I went to last month. They had all these modesty protectors in place- a robe to wear most of the time, throw-away panties to wear in the shower, a zillion towels, and I was like "Shoot, girl, t'ain't got nutin' you ain't seen a zillion times befoah!"
Which may mean I could go in for a bikini wax and not mind- though I've been afraid and never gone before. Hrm.
I used to be so afraid of being nude in front of people I didn't know! Like, people never took showers in gym when I was in school! I can only guess that being semi-naked in front of MTS, PTS, MDs, etc. so often has lowered my inhibitions.
Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.....
I felt a little awkward, I guess, but he's a health care professional. At least that's what I kept telling myself.
Anyway, the massage was a lot different than those I've had in the past. I think that the reason is because the MT was a man (is a man... I'm seeing the same fellow again on Wednesday). The women MT's seemed much gentler, like you were poked a bit but not much really happened. With this guy, everything was painful and it has been hurting a lot since. But he really sounded like he knew what he was talking about- realigning my muscles and overcoming muscle memory and all that. He really seemed to think that he could make the pain go away after a few more sessions.
Probably too optimistic, but anyway, this post is meant to be about a loss of modesty.
I got a gift certificate to go to a spa for a massage treatment and some sort of full-body facial-type thing, which I went to last month. They had all these modesty protectors in place- a robe to wear most of the time, throw-away panties to wear in the shower, a zillion towels, and I was like "Shoot, girl, t'ain't got nutin' you ain't seen a zillion times befoah!"
Which may mean I could go in for a bikini wax and not mind- though I've been afraid and never gone before. Hrm.
I used to be so afraid of being nude in front of people I didn't know! Like, people never took showers in gym when I was in school! I can only guess that being semi-naked in front of MTS, PTS, MDs, etc. so often has lowered my inhibitions.
Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.....
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Registering a Disability (aka GRRR!)
So, I am beginning classes at a new university this fall, on account of I graduated and am starting a Master's program, and for this gigantic switch I'll need to have my documents regarding my disability (pain, yes) sent from one university to another. Basically, the new U needs to be sure that I do have the injury I claim to be troubled by, and the old U has documents from various doctors attesting to this fact. The old U however, even after so many phone calls, e-mails, faxes, etc. has yet to send the documents forward.
Because of this annoyance, I may have to get everything confirmed with my drs again. Am seeing the regular dr. tomorrow and maybe can get her to authorize things- but as I am beginning school on Friday, I feel like I'm cutting it really close! Shouldn't the old U know better than to put chronic pain sufferers through such an irritation!
I am very cranky.
Because of this annoyance, I may have to get everything confirmed with my drs again. Am seeing the regular dr. tomorrow and maybe can get her to authorize things- but as I am beginning school on Friday, I feel like I'm cutting it really close! Shouldn't the old U know better than to put chronic pain sufferers through such an irritation!
I am very cranky.
Magickal Teas
Well, only the one, actually, but it FEELs magical, which is enough for me to break into song and dance. Anyway, as I probably have mentioned, unless I was trying to nobly avoid the subject, I take Vicodin on occasion for pain and a great deal (2-4 pills a day av.) of over-the-counter pain-killers (I think I may be over-hyphening...). Well, I saw my doctor, as you know and about which I have complained at length and the aforementioned liver problem possibility arose and has been haunting me poltergestically for the past few (or has it only been one?) week. So, though I am not hugely into alternative medicines (though I feel I am getting more into it with the Tai Chi, acupuncture, and, now, tea), I looked to see what herbs/teas there might be that help reduce pain.
Now, I must ease your suspicions- I do not work for the company that produces the tea about which I will soon begin to rant. In fact, I applied to work for them, and did not even so much as get called in for an interview. Which is a real shame for them, as I could so wholeheartedly convince people to buy this fantastic tea.
It is called Tranquil Dream and is produced and sold, not at an inconsiderable price, by Teavana (they have one in Alderwood Mall, if you're in the Seattle area). The tea is marketed as helping one to sleep, but has the additional effect of "calm[ing[ your nerves, reliev[ing] aches and pains, and generally relax[ing] your body and mind." It is a bit of stretch to consider that this tea might eliminate all pains, and I do not suggest it does.
The greatness of this tea is in that it does help A LITTLE. When I find my pain gets so bad that I have light or sound sensitivity, the pain begins to radiate, etc., this tea can help bring it back to a more manageable level. This is especially helpful at night because it can ease the ache just enough to allow me to sleep.
I must confess that the taste is awful, at least to me. It is like chamomile mixed with something awful, like crap. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it doesn't taste good to me at all. Perhaps you will be luckier...
Anywho, three cheers for pain-reducing tea! I have been drinking it for a week now and it continues to help. Huzzah!
Now, I must ease your suspicions- I do not work for the company that produces the tea about which I will soon begin to rant. In fact, I applied to work for them, and did not even so much as get called in for an interview. Which is a real shame for them, as I could so wholeheartedly convince people to buy this fantastic tea.
It is called Tranquil Dream and is produced and sold, not at an inconsiderable price, by Teavana (they have one in Alderwood Mall, if you're in the Seattle area). The tea is marketed as helping one to sleep, but has the additional effect of "calm[ing[ your nerves, reliev[ing] aches and pains, and generally relax[ing] your body and mind." It is a bit of stretch to consider that this tea might eliminate all pains, and I do not suggest it does.
The greatness of this tea is in that it does help A LITTLE. When I find my pain gets so bad that I have light or sound sensitivity, the pain begins to radiate, etc., this tea can help bring it back to a more manageable level. This is especially helpful at night because it can ease the ache just enough to allow me to sleep.
I must confess that the taste is awful, at least to me. It is like chamomile mixed with something awful, like crap. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it doesn't taste good to me at all. Perhaps you will be luckier...
Anywho, three cheers for pain-reducing tea! I have been drinking it for a week now and it continues to help. Huzzah!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
New Pain
It's weird, but when the pain changes, even a little, everything feels a lot worse. The past few weeks have seen some of the worst pain I've experienced in a long while. One of the reasons is this strange shift in pain. Most of it just sits in my neck and shoots up to sit just above my ears and in my head. At some point, it will make it far enough and hit my eyes. I'm worried about having another migraine- I've only had a few but it always comes from these neck aches.
Another pain support group has opened up in the area- for chronic migraines. So far there haven't been any meetings yet, but I'm looking forward to attending if I can. Lynnwood, the location of these meetings, is much more convenient than the Seattle location of the other group. I hope that something is scheduled soon- it would be nice to be able to talk with someone.
Going back to religion again, I found a Patron Saint of Protection and Cures from Pain- Saint Madron. From Godchecker.com:
ST MADRON: The Patron Saint of Cures from and Protection against Pain
Cornish Saint with a village and a Holy Well bearing his name.
The well is recommended for the cure of chest complaints, nightmares and rickets if certain rituals are followed. These seem to be more Pagan than Christian.
Still, with hospital waiting lists getting longer in Britain it could be worth a try. One tried and tested tip is to leave a small piece of fabric from your clothing at St Madron's Well; your illness will dwindle away as the cloth deteriorates.
Of course there is no guarantee if you choose to wear man-made fabrics, and nylon is a definite no-no.
Apart from its fascinating wells, Cornwall is also well known for breathtaking coastal scenery, tin mines, cream teas and delicious pasties. Why not choose Cornwall for your vacation this year?
-- this makes me want to go back to England and at least try. If I can make my way to Ireland to study abroad, I'm sure that I could get to this place in England. I suppose it's just silly and superstitious, but if there is no scientific cure, what else have I left to depend on? I have water from the river Jordan, where Jesus was baptized. Would it make any difference if I drank it?
Enough silliness. I've found an acupuncturist in Bothell- hopefully that will work. Massage again, which never works. And a cortisone shot coming up. Will try some more classes- make sure to get up early enough to go to Tai Chi on Saturdays and perhaps begin yoga again.
Bengay seems to help- I must depend on it more. Will smell strangely forever. Enough self-pity as well!
P: 8
M: 3
Another pain support group has opened up in the area- for chronic migraines. So far there haven't been any meetings yet, but I'm looking forward to attending if I can. Lynnwood, the location of these meetings, is much more convenient than the Seattle location of the other group. I hope that something is scheduled soon- it would be nice to be able to talk with someone.
Going back to religion again, I found a Patron Saint of Protection and Cures from Pain- Saint Madron. From Godchecker.com:
ST MADRON: The Patron Saint of Cures from and Protection against Pain
Cornish Saint with a village and a Holy Well bearing his name.
The well is recommended for the cure of chest complaints, nightmares and rickets if certain rituals are followed. These seem to be more Pagan than Christian.
Still, with hospital waiting lists getting longer in Britain it could be worth a try. One tried and tested tip is to leave a small piece of fabric from your clothing at St Madron's Well; your illness will dwindle away as the cloth deteriorates.
Of course there is no guarantee if you choose to wear man-made fabrics, and nylon is a definite no-no.
Apart from its fascinating wells, Cornwall is also well known for breathtaking coastal scenery, tin mines, cream teas and delicious pasties. Why not choose Cornwall for your vacation this year?
-- this makes me want to go back to England and at least try. If I can make my way to Ireland to study abroad, I'm sure that I could get to this place in England. I suppose it's just silly and superstitious, but if there is no scientific cure, what else have I left to depend on? I have water from the river Jordan, where Jesus was baptized. Would it make any difference if I drank it?
Enough silliness. I've found an acupuncturist in Bothell- hopefully that will work. Massage again, which never works. And a cortisone shot coming up. Will try some more classes- make sure to get up early enough to go to Tai Chi on Saturdays and perhaps begin yoga again.
Bengay seems to help- I must depend on it more. Will smell strangely forever. Enough self-pity as well!
P: 8
M: 3
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Dr. Appt.
Well, I went to see the back doctor for the first time in over a year on Thursday, and the prognosis was not pleasant. It just seems like we've reached the point in treatment where everything we can try is a "Hail Mary." He used fancy works like "empirical" in his explanations and wore a grim expression throughout. Plus, since it had been over a year, I had to fill out all the paperwork, sans insurance info, again- 12 pages of background! The paperwork was probably the worst part, because it asked personal questions like "Do you feel you have ever been sexually abused?" and "Have you ever considered suicide?". I understand that they must have some information regarding my psychological state, but throwing such intense questions right in the middle of an otherwise yes/no type scientific questionnaire was unnerving.
Anyway, I will begin massage again and acupuncture anew. My back has been crazy terrible this week on account of moving furniture, holding the baby, running errands with the baby, and a mess of other things. I didn't make it to Tai Chi Saturday morning, yet again, and feel terribly guilty, though I slept very little on account of the pain, so I wouldn't have been at my best/even at half-best.
I really should try to write something more poetic when I'm in terrible pain but the trouble is, when I'm in terrible pain the very last thing I want to do is try to be poetic! Speaking in grunts comes more naturally, or single wordy syllables such as "Ow!". It is a conundrum, to be sure, and perhaps one that might best be remedied through the purchase of a voice recorder. A mono-syllabic poem would be better than none at all.
Applying for jobs and interviewing add such stressors as can only result in pain as well. I have three job interviews next week and can't help but worry worry worry my head off. And by "head" I mean "nerves throughout my neck, back, and shoulders." Plus, if I can only find a well-paying job in this awful economy, I might be able to make it to Chile this summer and meet my family whilst learning Spanish. Oh, hopes and dreams. Yet, I will most likely end up in a secretarial position, which will necessitate my sitting for hours on end hunched over. I will have even more pain to look forward to. Oh, glorious anticipation!
Must find an acupuncturist who will take my insurance. And book a massage appt. How will I have the time for these things? Perhaps I should take a yoga class again as well...
Anyway, if the acupuncture does not work, I'll be looking at a cortozone shot. Apparently, I have misspelled corotozone. How would I know how to spell it though? Cortizone? Courtizone? Courtazone? Cortazone? Cortazon?
Had to look it up- Cortisone, apparently. The dr. thinks that it won't work, but might randomly because pain is so confusing. I hear that it doesn't hurt too badly because they numb you up first. We'll see, assuming acupuncture doesn't work, which is rather pessimistic.
Also, must go to the regular dr. and get a liver test. Back dr. worries that all these pain meds may have damaged my liver. Though, at least liver failure/disease is something they can actually do something for :(
You may have noticed that, yes, I have been having some pain-related depression, which was diagnosed but remains untreated. Must also see regular dr. for some anti-depressants. Cymbalta was recommended by my psychologist, but only psychiatrists can prescribe. How annoying...
Been trying Bengay cream and heat patches lately. Apparently, you really have to shovel out the dough for the brand names- patches don't stick if they're cheap and the cream just doesn't work. Anyway, Bengay burns- painfully so, but it does help. Make SURE to wash your hands after smearing it (or having someone else smear it) on the area of pain! It will burn anywhere on your body except the hands (at least for me- it might be a result of barista work). Trying to use creams and such instead of pain meds (Vicodin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, etc.) on account of the liver thing. We'll see how long I hold out for.
Anyway, I'm off to pretend to sleep, because I won't be able to on account of all this awful pain that now sits in my shoulder blades in particular. Shooting pain that makes my fingers numb, ew.
<3
P: 8
M: 8 (seeing Wicked tomorrow!)
Anyway, I will begin massage again and acupuncture anew. My back has been crazy terrible this week on account of moving furniture, holding the baby, running errands with the baby, and a mess of other things. I didn't make it to Tai Chi Saturday morning, yet again, and feel terribly guilty, though I slept very little on account of the pain, so I wouldn't have been at my best/even at half-best.
I really should try to write something more poetic when I'm in terrible pain but the trouble is, when I'm in terrible pain the very last thing I want to do is try to be poetic! Speaking in grunts comes more naturally, or single wordy syllables such as "Ow!". It is a conundrum, to be sure, and perhaps one that might best be remedied through the purchase of a voice recorder. A mono-syllabic poem would be better than none at all.
Applying for jobs and interviewing add such stressors as can only result in pain as well. I have three job interviews next week and can't help but worry worry worry my head off. And by "head" I mean "nerves throughout my neck, back, and shoulders." Plus, if I can only find a well-paying job in this awful economy, I might be able to make it to Chile this summer and meet my family whilst learning Spanish. Oh, hopes and dreams. Yet, I will most likely end up in a secretarial position, which will necessitate my sitting for hours on end hunched over. I will have even more pain to look forward to. Oh, glorious anticipation!
Must find an acupuncturist who will take my insurance. And book a massage appt. How will I have the time for these things? Perhaps I should take a yoga class again as well...
Anyway, if the acupuncture does not work, I'll be looking at a cortozone shot. Apparently, I have misspelled corotozone. How would I know how to spell it though? Cortizone? Courtizone? Courtazone? Cortazone? Cortazon?
Had to look it up- Cortisone, apparently. The dr. thinks that it won't work, but might randomly because pain is so confusing. I hear that it doesn't hurt too badly because they numb you up first. We'll see, assuming acupuncture doesn't work, which is rather pessimistic.
Also, must go to the regular dr. and get a liver test. Back dr. worries that all these pain meds may have damaged my liver. Though, at least liver failure/disease is something they can actually do something for :(
You may have noticed that, yes, I have been having some pain-related depression, which was diagnosed but remains untreated. Must also see regular dr. for some anti-depressants. Cymbalta was recommended by my psychologist, but only psychiatrists can prescribe. How annoying...
Been trying Bengay cream and heat patches lately. Apparently, you really have to shovel out the dough for the brand names- patches don't stick if they're cheap and the cream just doesn't work. Anyway, Bengay burns- painfully so, but it does help. Make SURE to wash your hands after smearing it (or having someone else smear it) on the area of pain! It will burn anywhere on your body except the hands (at least for me- it might be a result of barista work). Trying to use creams and such instead of pain meds (Vicodin, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, etc.) on account of the liver thing. We'll see how long I hold out for.
Anyway, I'm off to pretend to sleep, because I won't be able to on account of all this awful pain that now sits in my shoulder blades in particular. Shooting pain that makes my fingers numb, ew.
<3
P: 8
M: 8 (seeing Wicked tomorrow!)
Monday, September 14, 2009
Perfect Ten
So many things happened this weekend that today I am left with a perfect ten in pain. Usually, when it gets like this, I can't do anything at all, just lay somewhere and moan, and usually I'm extremely depressed. Even though it would feel better if I laid down, I'm sitting up and writing to you, and I am not very depressed. Not 100% happy either, but maybe this is a sign of improvement?
Okay, that about ended the sitting up, and I am propped on a bed of pillows again.
It just feels like if I move at all, I'll break, like everything is bent to the limit, even when it's straight. For my neck, it almost feels like my head is supposed to be inside my chest or resting against it, but has forced itself up painfully. My shoulder blades just feel like a knife has been stabbed in them. The in-between is numb.
What to do on a day like this? Will probably try to read and listen to music, but will end up sleeping, I'm sure. Will just have to get the Vicodin out again.
The cause: moving furniture and carrying a five-year-old.
:(
Okay, that about ended the sitting up, and I am propped on a bed of pillows again.
It just feels like if I move at all, I'll break, like everything is bent to the limit, even when it's straight. For my neck, it almost feels like my head is supposed to be inside my chest or resting against it, but has forced itself up painfully. My shoulder blades just feel like a knife has been stabbed in them. The in-between is numb.
What to do on a day like this? Will probably try to read and listen to music, but will end up sleeping, I'm sure. Will just have to get the Vicodin out again.
The cause: moving furniture and carrying a five-year-old.
:(
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Buddhist Philosophy and Pain
* I'll format it later, I promise.
Written by Amanda Martin <---me
Buddhist Philosophy and Pain
In the study of Buddhism, one of the first lessons to be understood is the concept of suffering or disquietude (dukkha) that is central to considering the Four Noble Truths and the nature of samsara. While dukkha includes disquietude of all kinds, this paper will link the concepts from the philosophies of Dōgen, Kosho Sensei, and Nishitani to the dukkha that is commonly referred to as physical pain. As one who continuously experiences physical pain, I will additionally relate these philosophies to my own experience of dukkha and how this reality need not be interpreted as negative but can easily become a tool for the Way-seeking mind. Through the activity of meditation on pain in an attempt to achieve continuous practice, and/or the meditation on extreme physical pain, it becomes apparent that the subject can utilize his pain and realize it as potentially becoming or already existing as one of the eighty-four thousand dharma doors to enlightenment.
As an exercise to purge pain from the conscious mind, pain specialists have long advocated the practice of sitting meditation. The subject is told to focus her entire mind on the center of her pain, allowing the aspect of the mind that experiences pain to grow accustomed to and understand the nature of the pain. The suggestion thus is that by focusing entirely on the pain and nothing else, the pain might be eliminated as a continuous experience. However, the meditation, once achieved through sitting, must be continued throughout everyday life, in order to become a mechanism for living a healthy life. The pain-suffered is told to practice maintaining her acceptance and understanding of pain beyond just the time spent in sitting meditation. This meditative state of mind that the practitioner seeks to always maintain is akin to Dōgen’s concept of continuous practice, and supposed seek for a healthy life, really a venture toward understanding the Way.
In the fascicle “Tenzo Kyokun” (“Instructions for the Tenzo”), Dōgen explains that “Those of old tell us, ‘For the tenzo, the mind which finds the Way actualizes itself through working with rolled up sleeves.’” What is particularly noteworthy about this statement is its specificity, referring to the role of the tenzo, the temple cook, generally a single member of a temple’s monastic community, alone. This particular member of the temple is singled out in the fascicle and in the statement, thusly explaining that not every Way-seeking mind must actualize through the mindful work in the kitchen because not everyone can or need be a cook. While the tenzo must be careful or mindful when pouring rice to prevent the waste of even a single grain, a monk in charge of cleaning similarly must be careful or mindful to make sure that every speck of dirt is removed from the temple’s floors. In Dōgen’s fascicles entitled “Continuous Practice, Fascicle One” and “Continuous Practice, Fascicle Two,” various examples of monks attaining enlightenment are given. Sometimes these monks attain enlightenment upon hearing a statement or question, such as Zen Master Fachang after hearing from Mazu that “Mind is Buddha” (122), but sometimes it is a physical sensation that accompanies the realization of enlightenment, such as Linji upon receiving sixty blows from a senior dharma brother (132). The particular moments at which these monks attain enlightenment are seen as mostly irrelevant, merely a natural result of their continuous practice.
Dōgen’s concept of continuous practice can similarly be applied to the chronic pain sufferer’s attempt to continuously meditate on the center of his pain. Similar to the tenzo who must be every mindful about every aspect of every item in his kitchen, the pain sufferer must learn to be mindful about every aspect of his pain. Like the monks who seek out unpleasant living conditions with cold weather entering their meek dwellings, with light supplied only by the sun and stars, and in continuous solitude, the practitioner of pain meditation cannot begrudge his hardship but welcome it and seek it out. This practitioner’s dukkha becomes a guide toward enlightenment as it emerges as an ever-present thought in the mind. The monk Nanyue is described as living in a harsh environment for fifteen years without a single text to study, and this path was found to lead him to enlightenment: “Not having one piece of knowledge or half of understanding, he reached the place of no effort, going beyond study” (131). While the practitioner of pain meditation might study the reasons for her pain and see doctors claiming to be experts, essentially seek out a cure for her pain, she might better serve herself in her quest for the Way by welcoming the ache as these monks have welcomed and sought out harsh living conditions. By living with this ever-present unpleasant condition, she is perhaps lucky in being able to attain the environment that these monks seek bound within the flesh of her own body, aiding her in the attempt to achieve continuous practice as well.
Kosho Sensei, in his lesson to the Advanced Buddhist Philosophy class on April 20th, spoke of the unpleasant conditions under which he worked on one particular night. As the only member of his temple who possessed technical skills and understood word processing, Kosho Sensei was asked to complete a series of documents and given a strict deadline. In order to complete his work on time, Kosho Sensei stayed up all night working, hunched over a computer in what assuredly became a painful position, with the additional unpleasantries of excessive tiredness and anxiety. After completing his work in the early morning, Kosho Sensei went to “take a shit,” and on his return to the temple, saw a beautiful flower that somehow seemed especially beautiful. The experience of unpleasant things and conditions thus seems to make it simpler for the practitioner to be mindful, and, therefore, a sustained unpleasantry must be helpful for the Way-seeking person.
Sitting in meditation on pain additionally can lead one to the experience of the Zen Great Doubt, which Nishitani describes in Religion and Nothingness as following from the breakthrough question “For what purpose do I myself exist?” (2). Nishitani describes terrible situations in which a loved one may be lost or one is presented with the reality of her eventual death, situations which give cause for despair. From physical pain, emotional pain can often spring forth, and, if intense enough, will assuredly result in a despairing subject. In this case as well, however, the pain, even unbearable, can prove a means by which the Way-seeking mind may approach revelation. While the great pain can be eradicated through the use of narcotic analgesics, such as Vicodin, it might also be used by one who meditates on pain toward experiencing the Great Doubt, or, more accurately, allowing this experience to manifest.
The practice of meditating on extreme pain seems ultimately to proceed in one similar fashion that is driven by the reality that to sit stiffly in meditation brings about, in the chronic pain sufferer, a level of pain such that cannot be differentiated from the despair explained by Nishitani. As the sitter sits meditating on acute pain, the questions proceed from self-pitying questions, such as (1) Why am I the one who must now suffer?, (2) Is there a greater purpose for this pain that I simply cannot see?, (3) Why has God made me to suffer?, and (4) What have I done to deserve this infliction?, to less self-oriented questions that nonetheless continue to address the self. These questions may be (5) What kind of God would allow a decent human being to incessantly suffer?, (6) Can there be a God if there exists extreme suffering in the absence of sin?, and (7) Can a human being consistently experiencing pain be differentiated from her experience of pain?, proceeding to the subject-less, object-less expression that simply asks why?. Finally, all that remains is a wordless question, what Nishitani refers to as a “single great question mark” (17), essentially that which immediately proceeds the Great Doubt, wherein the conscious no longer experiences the continuous pain because the conscious is the continuous pain and the continuous pain is the conscious. Likewise, in this ineffable experience that manifests itself, there is no “I” to experience the pain nor is there any pain to manifest itself in the “I.” The within and the without have been realized to be identical by both the subject and object that are, in actuality, inseparable and indistinguishable.
In sooth, all that remains is the question which is not so much a thing in one moment of linear time as an essence of being that coexists as both noun and verb, something that somethings. Yet, even the world “something” falls short of this question mark essence, so perhaps it can more clearly be articulated as die sache or あと物 (atomono), the unifying non-thing, the source of thinking manifesting itself as a perception that is not perceived by anything but instead perceives itself as perceives or wills itself to be perceived. Pain is gone because there exists nothing to receive the pain that is not part or entirely pain itself; pain cannot ache pain in the same manner that I cannot I I. This experience is what is referred to as the Great Death, defined also by Nishida as a “radical doubt” (21).
Through studying Buddhist philosophers such as Dōgen, Kosho Sensei, and Nishitani, it becomes apparent that continuous and excessive pain is a gift for the Way-seeker on her journey toward enlightenment. Not only does it allow one a great opportunity to gain insight into continuous practice and the harshness of circumstances that aids one in her practice, but it additionally grants greater understanding to the phrase “life is suffering” and the Four Noble Truths in general. Dukkha is a characteristic of samsara but it does not have the negative connotations that are so often associated with the idea of suffering. While the other Noble Truths are not addressed through these exercises as explained in this paper, based on the benefits of meditation on pain and extreme pain, it is certain that this particular type of disquietude is amazingly useful to one who seeks the Way.
Works Cited
Dōgen, Eihei. Enlightenment Unfolds: The Essential Teachings of Zen Master Dōgen. Ed. Kazuaki Tanahashi. Boston: Shambhala, 1999.
---. “Tenzo kyokun: Instructions for the Tenzo.” Trans. Yasuda Joshu Dainen Roshi and Anzan Hoshin Roshi. White Wind Zen Community. 2004. 10 Apr. 2009.
Kosho Sensei. “Soto Zen Tradition.” Advanced Buddhist Philosophy Lecture. Seattle University, Seattle, WA. 20 Apr. 2009.
Nishitani, Keiji. Religion and Nothingness. Trans. Jan Van Bragt. Berkeley and Los Angeles: U of CA P, 1982.
Written by Amanda Martin <---me
Buddhist Philosophy and Pain
In the study of Buddhism, one of the first lessons to be understood is the concept of suffering or disquietude (dukkha) that is central to considering the Four Noble Truths and the nature of samsara. While dukkha includes disquietude of all kinds, this paper will link the concepts from the philosophies of Dōgen, Kosho Sensei, and Nishitani to the dukkha that is commonly referred to as physical pain. As one who continuously experiences physical pain, I will additionally relate these philosophies to my own experience of dukkha and how this reality need not be interpreted as negative but can easily become a tool for the Way-seeking mind. Through the activity of meditation on pain in an attempt to achieve continuous practice, and/or the meditation on extreme physical pain, it becomes apparent that the subject can utilize his pain and realize it as potentially becoming or already existing as one of the eighty-four thousand dharma doors to enlightenment.
As an exercise to purge pain from the conscious mind, pain specialists have long advocated the practice of sitting meditation. The subject is told to focus her entire mind on the center of her pain, allowing the aspect of the mind that experiences pain to grow accustomed to and understand the nature of the pain. The suggestion thus is that by focusing entirely on the pain and nothing else, the pain might be eliminated as a continuous experience. However, the meditation, once achieved through sitting, must be continued throughout everyday life, in order to become a mechanism for living a healthy life. The pain-suffered is told to practice maintaining her acceptance and understanding of pain beyond just the time spent in sitting meditation. This meditative state of mind that the practitioner seeks to always maintain is akin to Dōgen’s concept of continuous practice, and supposed seek for a healthy life, really a venture toward understanding the Way.
In the fascicle “Tenzo Kyokun” (“Instructions for the Tenzo”), Dōgen explains that “Those of old tell us, ‘For the tenzo, the mind which finds the Way actualizes itself through working with rolled up sleeves.’” What is particularly noteworthy about this statement is its specificity, referring to the role of the tenzo, the temple cook, generally a single member of a temple’s monastic community, alone. This particular member of the temple is singled out in the fascicle and in the statement, thusly explaining that not every Way-seeking mind must actualize through the mindful work in the kitchen because not everyone can or need be a cook. While the tenzo must be careful or mindful when pouring rice to prevent the waste of even a single grain, a monk in charge of cleaning similarly must be careful or mindful to make sure that every speck of dirt is removed from the temple’s floors. In Dōgen’s fascicles entitled “Continuous Practice, Fascicle One” and “Continuous Practice, Fascicle Two,” various examples of monks attaining enlightenment are given. Sometimes these monks attain enlightenment upon hearing a statement or question, such as Zen Master Fachang after hearing from Mazu that “Mind is Buddha” (122), but sometimes it is a physical sensation that accompanies the realization of enlightenment, such as Linji upon receiving sixty blows from a senior dharma brother (132). The particular moments at which these monks attain enlightenment are seen as mostly irrelevant, merely a natural result of their continuous practice.
Dōgen’s concept of continuous practice can similarly be applied to the chronic pain sufferer’s attempt to continuously meditate on the center of his pain. Similar to the tenzo who must be every mindful about every aspect of every item in his kitchen, the pain sufferer must learn to be mindful about every aspect of his pain. Like the monks who seek out unpleasant living conditions with cold weather entering their meek dwellings, with light supplied only by the sun and stars, and in continuous solitude, the practitioner of pain meditation cannot begrudge his hardship but welcome it and seek it out. This practitioner’s dukkha becomes a guide toward enlightenment as it emerges as an ever-present thought in the mind. The monk Nanyue is described as living in a harsh environment for fifteen years without a single text to study, and this path was found to lead him to enlightenment: “Not having one piece of knowledge or half of understanding, he reached the place of no effort, going beyond study” (131). While the practitioner of pain meditation might study the reasons for her pain and see doctors claiming to be experts, essentially seek out a cure for her pain, she might better serve herself in her quest for the Way by welcoming the ache as these monks have welcomed and sought out harsh living conditions. By living with this ever-present unpleasant condition, she is perhaps lucky in being able to attain the environment that these monks seek bound within the flesh of her own body, aiding her in the attempt to achieve continuous practice as well.
Kosho Sensei, in his lesson to the Advanced Buddhist Philosophy class on April 20th, spoke of the unpleasant conditions under which he worked on one particular night. As the only member of his temple who possessed technical skills and understood word processing, Kosho Sensei was asked to complete a series of documents and given a strict deadline. In order to complete his work on time, Kosho Sensei stayed up all night working, hunched over a computer in what assuredly became a painful position, with the additional unpleasantries of excessive tiredness and anxiety. After completing his work in the early morning, Kosho Sensei went to “take a shit,” and on his return to the temple, saw a beautiful flower that somehow seemed especially beautiful. The experience of unpleasant things and conditions thus seems to make it simpler for the practitioner to be mindful, and, therefore, a sustained unpleasantry must be helpful for the Way-seeking person.
Sitting in meditation on pain additionally can lead one to the experience of the Zen Great Doubt, which Nishitani describes in Religion and Nothingness as following from the breakthrough question “For what purpose do I myself exist?” (2). Nishitani describes terrible situations in which a loved one may be lost or one is presented with the reality of her eventual death, situations which give cause for despair. From physical pain, emotional pain can often spring forth, and, if intense enough, will assuredly result in a despairing subject. In this case as well, however, the pain, even unbearable, can prove a means by which the Way-seeking mind may approach revelation. While the great pain can be eradicated through the use of narcotic analgesics, such as Vicodin, it might also be used by one who meditates on pain toward experiencing the Great Doubt, or, more accurately, allowing this experience to manifest.
The practice of meditating on extreme pain seems ultimately to proceed in one similar fashion that is driven by the reality that to sit stiffly in meditation brings about, in the chronic pain sufferer, a level of pain such that cannot be differentiated from the despair explained by Nishitani. As the sitter sits meditating on acute pain, the questions proceed from self-pitying questions, such as (1) Why am I the one who must now suffer?, (2) Is there a greater purpose for this pain that I simply cannot see?, (3) Why has God made me to suffer?, and (4) What have I done to deserve this infliction?, to less self-oriented questions that nonetheless continue to address the self. These questions may be (5) What kind of God would allow a decent human being to incessantly suffer?, (6) Can there be a God if there exists extreme suffering in the absence of sin?, and (7) Can a human being consistently experiencing pain be differentiated from her experience of pain?, proceeding to the subject-less, object-less expression that simply asks why?. Finally, all that remains is a wordless question, what Nishitani refers to as a “single great question mark” (17), essentially that which immediately proceeds the Great Doubt, wherein the conscious no longer experiences the continuous pain because the conscious is the continuous pain and the continuous pain is the conscious. Likewise, in this ineffable experience that manifests itself, there is no “I” to experience the pain nor is there any pain to manifest itself in the “I.” The within and the without have been realized to be identical by both the subject and object that are, in actuality, inseparable and indistinguishable.
In sooth, all that remains is the question which is not so much a thing in one moment of linear time as an essence of being that coexists as both noun and verb, something that somethings. Yet, even the world “something” falls short of this question mark essence, so perhaps it can more clearly be articulated as die sache or あと物 (atomono), the unifying non-thing, the source of thinking manifesting itself as a perception that is not perceived by anything but instead perceives itself as perceives or wills itself to be perceived. Pain is gone because there exists nothing to receive the pain that is not part or entirely pain itself; pain cannot ache pain in the same manner that I cannot I I. This experience is what is referred to as the Great Death, defined also by Nishida as a “radical doubt” (21).
Through studying Buddhist philosophers such as Dōgen, Kosho Sensei, and Nishitani, it becomes apparent that continuous and excessive pain is a gift for the Way-seeker on her journey toward enlightenment. Not only does it allow one a great opportunity to gain insight into continuous practice and the harshness of circumstances that aids one in her practice, but it additionally grants greater understanding to the phrase “life is suffering” and the Four Noble Truths in general. Dukkha is a characteristic of samsara but it does not have the negative connotations that are so often associated with the idea of suffering. While the other Noble Truths are not addressed through these exercises as explained in this paper, based on the benefits of meditation on pain and extreme pain, it is certain that this particular type of disquietude is amazingly useful to one who seeks the Way.
Works Cited
Dōgen, Eihei. Enlightenment Unfolds: The Essential Teachings of Zen Master Dōgen. Ed. Kazuaki Tanahashi. Boston: Shambhala, 1999.
---. “Tenzo kyokun: Instructions for the Tenzo.” Trans. Yasuda Joshu Dainen Roshi and Anzan Hoshin Roshi. White Wind Zen Community. 2004. 10 Apr. 2009
Kosho Sensei. “Soto Zen Tradition.” Advanced Buddhist Philosophy Lecture. Seattle University, Seattle, WA. 20 Apr. 2009.
Nishitani, Keiji. Religion and Nothingness. Trans. Jan Van Bragt. Berkeley and Los Angeles: U of CA P, 1982.
Going on Vacation
Going on vacation should be something you look forward to and get to enjoy, darn it, but my neck and back ached the whole time from traveling in the car. We only went from Seattle to Vancouver BC, three hours-ish, but the rumbling of the car aggravated everything, to the point where the pain radiated to my lower back and down my hands. I hate it the most when it goes down the hands, because they go numb eventually and I have to stretch and crack everything to regain feeling.
Maybe the answer lies in religion. Just not the one I have now, not that I have it much. Being raised a religion doesn't make you belong to it or it to you, but it is convenient to stay the same. I enjoyed going to reformed Jewish services with L, but I don't think I could go alone; I was raised Catholic and would feel like I was sneaking in as a gawker. I'm sure everyone would be kind, but I'd feel so awkward, and I don't speak any Hebrew and very little Yiddish (next to bupkis). I enjoyed studying Buddhism, but the beliefs have so few similarities to Catholicism, I'd feel like I wasn't practicing a religion, so much as philosophizing. Zen Buddhism offered me the most solace with its philosophy, while Jodo Shinshu seemed the most welcoming and Theravada the closest to Christianity (Ten Precepts, Ten Commandments- some overlap, huzzah), but philosophy is not faith. I know that I'm looking at it wrong, from an academic perspective, but it's just how I feel. I'll include the paper on Buddhist Philosophy and pain in a separate post.
At least in Christianity, it feels like I'm being punished, because that's often why bad things happen, right? Maybe for being too gay or too liberal or practicing self love too often. Maybe because I've hated someone for a long time. Suddenly, I'm reminded of The Lion King:
Timon- Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right?
Simba- Right.
Timon- Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world!
I don't know why that suddenly came to mind; I guess I just watched the film too many times as a kid. I know that bad things happen to good people for no reason, but I can't help thinking that I must've done something wrong. Catholic guilt. I hate it, so I need something new. I can't believe so many things in Catholicism, so I can't ascribe to it, right? I looked at the United Church of Christ- because they are the most religious Christian sect, but I'm too scared to attend.
I also looked to support groups, but I don't think people in pain want a baby crying around them, adding to everything, so I haven't attended a meeting yet. Maybe I won't have Baby A on Thursdays (meeting day) after school starts. Maybe the group leader will finally e-mail me back and let me know if I can go anyway. Because I don't think there are any other support groups, and this one is for fibromyalgia, as is.
Ugh, my back and neck hurt terribly tonight but I drank some wine, so no Vicodin dreams. I'll just try to go to sleep, and try to come up with some prettier words for you in the future.
P: 9
Mood: 4
Maybe the answer lies in religion. Just not the one I have now, not that I have it much. Being raised a religion doesn't make you belong to it or it to you, but it is convenient to stay the same. I enjoyed going to reformed Jewish services with L, but I don't think I could go alone; I was raised Catholic and would feel like I was sneaking in as a gawker. I'm sure everyone would be kind, but I'd feel so awkward, and I don't speak any Hebrew and very little Yiddish (next to bupkis). I enjoyed studying Buddhism, but the beliefs have so few similarities to Catholicism, I'd feel like I wasn't practicing a religion, so much as philosophizing. Zen Buddhism offered me the most solace with its philosophy, while Jodo Shinshu seemed the most welcoming and Theravada the closest to Christianity (Ten Precepts, Ten Commandments- some overlap, huzzah), but philosophy is not faith. I know that I'm looking at it wrong, from an academic perspective, but it's just how I feel. I'll include the paper on Buddhist Philosophy and pain in a separate post.
At least in Christianity, it feels like I'm being punished, because that's often why bad things happen, right? Maybe for being too gay or too liberal or practicing self love too often. Maybe because I've hated someone for a long time. Suddenly, I'm reminded of The Lion King:
Timon- Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right?
Simba- Right.
Timon- Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world!
I don't know why that suddenly came to mind; I guess I just watched the film too many times as a kid. I know that bad things happen to good people for no reason, but I can't help thinking that I must've done something wrong. Catholic guilt. I hate it, so I need something new. I can't believe so many things in Catholicism, so I can't ascribe to it, right? I looked at the United Church of Christ- because they are the most religious Christian sect, but I'm too scared to attend.
I also looked to support groups, but I don't think people in pain want a baby crying around them, adding to everything, so I haven't attended a meeting yet. Maybe I won't have Baby A on Thursdays (meeting day) after school starts. Maybe the group leader will finally e-mail me back and let me know if I can go anyway. Because I don't think there are any other support groups, and this one is for fibromyalgia, as is.
Ugh, my back and neck hurt terribly tonight but I drank some wine, so no Vicodin dreams. I'll just try to go to sleep, and try to come up with some prettier words for you in the future.
P: 9
Mood: 4
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Tai Chi- More musings
Maybe it is all in my head, but I'm starting to think it helps my neck to feel a little better. Maybe it's just the nice atmosphere- such nice people and so relaxing. Also, I must admit the Avatar connection makes me happy in a nerd way (Katara and the water benders' styles are generally based on Tai Chi). I want to become good or at least good enough not to be so embarrassed, but I think I need to go multiple times a week, and would love to be able to go three times or more per week. But it is confusing because I'm not sure how that would work, payment-wise, for the lawsuit. Maybe it isn't so expensive? I should at least research other places to learn Tai Chi in the area.
Hrm, they have classes at Shoreline CC, at the Lake Forest Park campus, but only once a week. Maybe twice a week at the Y is the best I can hope for, and it is free with gym membership as a bonus. I wonder what other sorts of activities are supposed to be good for chronic pain, apart from the dreaded water aerobics (never will wear a swimsuit again!).
I need to make an appointment with the Disability Support Services at my new U. They've been closed up 'til today, and I completely forgot to call them. Just in case I have a "pain episode" (aka, it suddenly gets so bad that I cannot leave my bed/the floor)- and to make sure I can get up and walk around- pretending to use the bathroom in my 4.25 hr night class (sooooo long- if I sat that long, my back would explode). Also, so as to make the professor aware that I might miss more class days than the average student- though I can make things up very well, I promise (why am I pleading with you??)!
Looking for PhD/other MA/MFA programs is the pits too, because almost everyone wants a GRE score. That test was the most terrible experience of my life. Well, not really, but one must exaggerate to get one's point across, eh? It was awful, for sure, four hours-ish of sitting there leaning over a computer desk as my neck grew more and more pained and I started to go all pain-loopy. Also couldn't sleep the night before, on account of stress. Anyway, good math score, average English, and average ain't good enough- sigh! I can't handle the idea of taking that test again, so will need to find programs that don't need that dreaded test and her awful results.
Anyway, a massage is coming up as well as my back dr. appt. He has apparently moved- but where? I'll need to find that slippery fellow. Make him re-write my acupuncture referral and hopefully get some more massages out of it as well- let's see if they help this time! Maybe he knows other exercises that are meant to help- weight lifting was not so successful for things as he suggested though...
Also, if I do manage to finance a trip this summer (to Chile, the mother land!), then I will need to once again procure paperwork for taking Vicodin abroad- a huge pain in the rear. When I went to Japan before, the paperwork took me days- it was like an inch thick, and going through customs took forever as well! Though, it was necessary. I used the Vicodin on more than a few occasions, I'm sorry to say.
Sometimes, drinking wine helps me sleep, if I don't want to take the Vicodin and I ache. But I hear this is a trend that leads to alcoholism- is this true??? But shouldn't a bit of wine be far better on the body than the hammer to the head that is a prescribed narcotic drug? That's how it seems to me, but I worry nonetheless. Though it may secretly be my mother's worries playing off in my head... hm.
Too much pain to sleep, I think, but I must get up at a reasonable hour to take the kitty to the vet. Good night, all! (though I may be speaking just to myself).
Pain: 9
Emotions: 9 (which is good, in case you forgot... what a lame scale- what is a bad sign pain-wise is a good one emotion-wise. Maybe I should rethink this silly thing.)
Hrm, they have classes at Shoreline CC, at the Lake Forest Park campus, but only once a week. Maybe twice a week at the Y is the best I can hope for, and it is free with gym membership as a bonus. I wonder what other sorts of activities are supposed to be good for chronic pain, apart from the dreaded water aerobics (never will wear a swimsuit again!).
I need to make an appointment with the Disability Support Services at my new U. They've been closed up 'til today, and I completely forgot to call them. Just in case I have a "pain episode" (aka, it suddenly gets so bad that I cannot leave my bed/the floor)- and to make sure I can get up and walk around- pretending to use the bathroom in my 4.25 hr night class (sooooo long- if I sat that long, my back would explode). Also, so as to make the professor aware that I might miss more class days than the average student- though I can make things up very well, I promise (why am I pleading with you??)!
Looking for PhD/other MA/MFA programs is the pits too, because almost everyone wants a GRE score. That test was the most terrible experience of my life. Well, not really, but one must exaggerate to get one's point across, eh? It was awful, for sure, four hours-ish of sitting there leaning over a computer desk as my neck grew more and more pained and I started to go all pain-loopy. Also couldn't sleep the night before, on account of stress. Anyway, good math score, average English, and average ain't good enough- sigh! I can't handle the idea of taking that test again, so will need to find programs that don't need that dreaded test and her awful results.
Anyway, a massage is coming up as well as my back dr. appt. He has apparently moved- but where? I'll need to find that slippery fellow. Make him re-write my acupuncture referral and hopefully get some more massages out of it as well- let's see if they help this time! Maybe he knows other exercises that are meant to help- weight lifting was not so successful for things as he suggested though...
Also, if I do manage to finance a trip this summer (to Chile, the mother land!), then I will need to once again procure paperwork for taking Vicodin abroad- a huge pain in the rear. When I went to Japan before, the paperwork took me days- it was like an inch thick, and going through customs took forever as well! Though, it was necessary. I used the Vicodin on more than a few occasions, I'm sorry to say.
Sometimes, drinking wine helps me sleep, if I don't want to take the Vicodin and I ache. But I hear this is a trend that leads to alcoholism- is this true??? But shouldn't a bit of wine be far better on the body than the hammer to the head that is a prescribed narcotic drug? That's how it seems to me, but I worry nonetheless. Though it may secretly be my mother's worries playing off in my head... hm.
Too much pain to sleep, I think, but I must get up at a reasonable hour to take the kitty to the vet. Good night, all! (though I may be speaking just to myself).
Pain: 9
Emotions: 9 (which is good, in case you forgot... what a lame scale- what is a bad sign pain-wise is a good one emotion-wise. Maybe I should rethink this silly thing.)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tai Chi and Acupuncture
So, I've begun going to Tai Chi classes at the YMCA. All the classes are free with my membership but I keep chickening out of going. It's scary being new and a lot worse than everyone else (especially when most everyone else is your grandparents' age- like in Tai Chi). I used to to yoga pretty regularly but I hurt my back doing the Sun Salutation:
Skip to a minute-ish in and watch on mute- she can't seem to stop talking!
That early move where you bend backward really far to stretch is what hurt the already injured area. It made the pain radiate down my left arm all the way to my fingertips. So, I stopped doing yoga. Too much unpleasant stretching!
Anyway, Tai Chi is really nice so far (I've only gone twice though, so what do I know?). I'm a lot younger than everyone else and a lot less skilled, but everyone is pretty friendly and welcoming, and the instructor is very attractive, though much older than me as well. Everything is slow and you aren't supposed to stretch beyond what you feel comfortable with. Also, the instructor is careful to watch that no one's doing any motions/mistaking poses in a manner that might lead to injury. I wish I was a fast learner though! Octogenarians are making me look bad... Anyway, the exercise is long but low intensity, and you get a lot of stretching and strength work. And balance- which I have none of since I quit doing yoga. One day I will fall down in class and be the laughing stock of young folk everywhere! Nightmares will come of this notion.
Also, I have plans to see my back doctor again. Apparently, I haven't seen him in over a year, which is pretty terrible and negligent of me, but when you've had an injury so long as me and nothing seems to make it better, it sort of begins to feel like a waste of time. But it won't be!!! (the two extra exclamation points are meant to illustrate for you the fact that I wave my fist in the air as I say this, a bit socialistically). I intend to (for the third time... oh dear) get a prescription/referral for acupuncture. I am terrified of needles, especially in the context of reuse, which some acupuncture places will do (though I am told they are well-cleaned). Nonetheless, I have a severe panic at the thought of sharing needles, clean or no, so have failed to use my past referrals to have needles shoved into my skin (that sentence may have been a bit biased). But I am told now that Japanese acupuncture uses new needles every time and that they are very small. So, I really ought to go and give it a whirl, since that, with chiropracty... chiropracy... chiropractics... (ah, my spell check let's that one slide), are the only things I haven't much gone for. When it is less nearing-the-middle-of-the-night-ish, I will post all that I have attempted! So, acupuncture it is!
Will also be getting a massage as part of a spa treatment I got for graduation (in June). Massages never ever remotely helped before, and sometimes even made things worse, but I am optimistic that this time, it'll be blue skies. At least my skin will look nice, right?
Must go to bed now because I have Tai Chi at 7:30! Gasp! Unless I turn out to be a secret slug and ignore my alarm clock. Hrm.
Pain: 8
Emotion: 8
Skip to a minute-ish in and watch on mute- she can't seem to stop talking!
That early move where you bend backward really far to stretch is what hurt the already injured area. It made the pain radiate down my left arm all the way to my fingertips. So, I stopped doing yoga. Too much unpleasant stretching!
Anyway, Tai Chi is really nice so far (I've only gone twice though, so what do I know?). I'm a lot younger than everyone else and a lot less skilled, but everyone is pretty friendly and welcoming, and the instructor is very attractive, though much older than me as well. Everything is slow and you aren't supposed to stretch beyond what you feel comfortable with. Also, the instructor is careful to watch that no one's doing any motions/mistaking poses in a manner that might lead to injury. I wish I was a fast learner though! Octogenarians are making me look bad... Anyway, the exercise is long but low intensity, and you get a lot of stretching and strength work. And balance- which I have none of since I quit doing yoga. One day I will fall down in class and be the laughing stock of young folk everywhere! Nightmares will come of this notion.
Also, I have plans to see my back doctor again. Apparently, I haven't seen him in over a year, which is pretty terrible and negligent of me, but when you've had an injury so long as me and nothing seems to make it better, it sort of begins to feel like a waste of time. But it won't be!!! (the two extra exclamation points are meant to illustrate for you the fact that I wave my fist in the air as I say this, a bit socialistically). I intend to (for the third time... oh dear) get a prescription/referral for acupuncture. I am terrified of needles, especially in the context of reuse, which some acupuncture places will do (though I am told they are well-cleaned). Nonetheless, I have a severe panic at the thought of sharing needles, clean or no, so have failed to use my past referrals to have needles shoved into my skin (that sentence may have been a bit biased). But I am told now that Japanese acupuncture uses new needles every time and that they are very small. So, I really ought to go and give it a whirl, since that, with chiropracty... chiropracy... chiropractics... (ah, my spell check let's that one slide), are the only things I haven't much gone for. When it is less nearing-the-middle-of-the-night-ish, I will post all that I have attempted! So, acupuncture it is!
Will also be getting a massage as part of a spa treatment I got for graduation (in June). Massages never ever remotely helped before, and sometimes even made things worse, but I am optimistic that this time, it'll be blue skies. At least my skin will look nice, right?
Must go to bed now because I have Tai Chi at 7:30! Gasp! Unless I turn out to be a secret slug and ignore my alarm clock. Hrm.
Pain: 8
Emotion: 8
Thursday, July 23, 2009
What it Feels Like
From my regular blog: "Of the sea...(blub)" (I know, I know, the title is not entirely inspiring). This entry was written a long while back, while I was out of the country. Though it might be terrible to say (write), everything seems a lot worse when you don't have someone on hand each night to whine about it to!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
What it Feels Like
It always reminds me of one of those horror movies at first, where the monster gets under the victim's skin and plays around for a bit. Like the scarabs in The Mummy, or the alien that bursts from the handsome guy's chest in Aliens, or, even, the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs who makes a suit for himself out of dead women's skin. I feel like someone or something is trying me on for a bit, stretching me out to the point of bursting, messing around with my bones and arteries and everything else in there, affecting my every nerve.
The beast climbs up and down, mostly hanging out toward my center, massaging my shoulders too roughly, slithering down my spine with tiny bites that cut like class shards and bleed. It stretches upward and downward, and my center feels like a single wearied muscle.
Maybe wings will sprout. The creature is something come to make me new. The contracting of my muscles, the aching of my bones is to bring forth a new part, and all of this will pass.
But the wings are too heavy, too big, and I can't bear them. They weigh me down, so that I lean back against my will. They'll grow, I think, so much that they'll touch the ground, and will drag to relieve me. But they stop growing a few centimeters short, and I continue leaning for a very long time, wishing they'd just rip from my body already. One brief moment of agony, and then the gradual lessening.
Or maybe the wings pull but will not separate, and I feel myself pulled over and down, and I keep going down through the earth. I continue downward, six feet, and think I'll stop. My wings and I sleeping enveloped in worms and ants and little sproutlings forever, together but painless in our rest. Yet, still it drags me onward.
I leave the earth's crust as I continue to descend, hitting the mantle, which is like a wall, and I'm sure I can't break through. But we manage it, somehow, and still I am attached. We pass through fossils of creatures no one knows ever existed and I wish my mind were more prepared to take in the sights. But this isn't a tour, it's a descent.
I continue down with my wings, my burden, through the outer core, and am engulfed in flames. The weight and the flames are all I feel now, my senses otherwise dismantled. Everything now is felt, if it exists for me at all. And still, we continue, and I don't burn up. Vaguely, I wonder why, but then thoughts too are lost.
We hit the inner core, the center of the earth, and it is nothing like Verne thought. It is hell. I have arrived. And in hell, you descend interminably. And there is no end. And your thoughts return, regretful and angry. Those thoughts and your feelings are all you have, and it always increases. Ever worsens.
I stretch and crack and massage, but it only continues, this sensation. I try to force my thoughts elsewhere. I try to count to a million. It seems a large number, but I'm there so quickly, and am not distracted at all. It seems more like a measure of the increasing hurt. And I give up.
I give up, and I swallow a Vicodin. And everything's floaty and happy, and those wings are chopped off while I'm too numbed to care, and I float upward, back through the layers, to the sunny day, regardless of the weather or whether it be night. I lose sight of what's real. I just don't give a damn, and it's a positive experience. I don't know any better. And I am made a pleasant woman. I smile, I laugh, and I float along. And I don't remember a thing.
My back hurts today.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
What it Feels Like
It always reminds me of one of those horror movies at first, where the monster gets under the victim's skin and plays around for a bit. Like the scarabs in The Mummy, or the alien that bursts from the handsome guy's chest in Aliens, or, even, the serial killer in Silence of the Lambs who makes a suit for himself out of dead women's skin. I feel like someone or something is trying me on for a bit, stretching me out to the point of bursting, messing around with my bones and arteries and everything else in there, affecting my every nerve.
The beast climbs up and down, mostly hanging out toward my center, massaging my shoulders too roughly, slithering down my spine with tiny bites that cut like class shards and bleed. It stretches upward and downward, and my center feels like a single wearied muscle.
Maybe wings will sprout. The creature is something come to make me new. The contracting of my muscles, the aching of my bones is to bring forth a new part, and all of this will pass.
But the wings are too heavy, too big, and I can't bear them. They weigh me down, so that I lean back against my will. They'll grow, I think, so much that they'll touch the ground, and will drag to relieve me. But they stop growing a few centimeters short, and I continue leaning for a very long time, wishing they'd just rip from my body already. One brief moment of agony, and then the gradual lessening.
Or maybe the wings pull but will not separate, and I feel myself pulled over and down, and I keep going down through the earth. I continue downward, six feet, and think I'll stop. My wings and I sleeping enveloped in worms and ants and little sproutlings forever, together but painless in our rest. Yet, still it drags me onward.
I leave the earth's crust as I continue to descend, hitting the mantle, which is like a wall, and I'm sure I can't break through. But we manage it, somehow, and still I am attached. We pass through fossils of creatures no one knows ever existed and I wish my mind were more prepared to take in the sights. But this isn't a tour, it's a descent.
I continue down with my wings, my burden, through the outer core, and am engulfed in flames. The weight and the flames are all I feel now, my senses otherwise dismantled. Everything now is felt, if it exists for me at all. And still, we continue, and I don't burn up. Vaguely, I wonder why, but then thoughts too are lost.
We hit the inner core, the center of the earth, and it is nothing like Verne thought. It is hell. I have arrived. And in hell, you descend interminably. And there is no end. And your thoughts return, regretful and angry. Those thoughts and your feelings are all you have, and it always increases. Ever worsens.
I stretch and crack and massage, but it only continues, this sensation. I try to force my thoughts elsewhere. I try to count to a million. It seems a large number, but I'm there so quickly, and am not distracted at all. It seems more like a measure of the increasing hurt. And I give up.
I give up, and I swallow a Vicodin. And everything's floaty and happy, and those wings are chopped off while I'm too numbed to care, and I float upward, back through the layers, to the sunny day, regardless of the weather or whether it be night. I lose sight of what's real. I just don't give a damn, and it's a positive experience. I don't know any better. And I am made a pleasant woman. I smile, I laugh, and I float along. And I don't remember a thing.
My back hurts today.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Chronicling the "Ouch"
Which is to say that this is a pain diary. It's true, I'm one of those sad, unpopular individuals who goes about keeping notes on her physical condition, pain-wise. And also the sort who simply uses a thesaurus on one sentence to come up with the next. Moving on.
In January of 2006 I was in a rather large card accident just outside of Leavenworth, Washington. A car in which I rode with a friend and her family was hit by a semi-truck that lost control on some ice. Luckily, we were not hit head on, but by the trailer, which "jack-knifed." The impact was on the front driver's side and, I am happy to tell you, none of us were seriously injured. At some point, I will try to go into the exact details of this day in further detail but, for now, I think you ought to just enjoy the lovely pictures of Leavenworth and know that the medical staff and police officers of that town are quite lovely, both to look at and to speak to, based on my experience.
As I watched the semi-truck's trailer come toward us, which would inevitably hit our car, I flinched. The contraction of the muscles resulted in extreme pain, for which I was given medication and a neck brace. This pain spread throughout my upper back, shoulders, and neck, and, I am sorry to say, seems to be permanent, as it continues to ague me three+ years later.
The point of this journal (blog) is to relate what efforts I am making to go about combating this pain, both physically and psychologically, and to help me become more motivated in chronicling the level of pain and its impact on my emotional state, twice a day. This, my psychologist says, I ought do, but I am a rotten sort of diarist for that sort of thing, as it turns out.
I probably will not put all the details of the twice daily logs on here, but they may be included in addition to other thoughts that I have had regarding the continuance of pain. It is pretty much constant and often terrible.
But this isn't meant to be half so unhappy as it has sounded thus far! I am keeping the address of this blog to myself but if you should happen across it, feel free to question or (kindly) comment. If you happen to be a family member/friend, shoo! I do not write this for sympathy but in hopes of helping myself to vent and in with a slight fantasy of becoming the next Elizabeth Wurtzel. Huzzah!
Pain/Emotion levels: 0= lowest, 10= highest
In January of 2006 I was in a rather large card accident just outside of Leavenworth, Washington. A car in which I rode with a friend and her family was hit by a semi-truck that lost control on some ice. Luckily, we were not hit head on, but by the trailer, which "jack-knifed." The impact was on the front driver's side and, I am happy to tell you, none of us were seriously injured. At some point, I will try to go into the exact details of this day in further detail but, for now, I think you ought to just enjoy the lovely pictures of Leavenworth and know that the medical staff and police officers of that town are quite lovely, both to look at and to speak to, based on my experience.
As I watched the semi-truck's trailer come toward us, which would inevitably hit our car, I flinched. The contraction of the muscles resulted in extreme pain, for which I was given medication and a neck brace. This pain spread throughout my upper back, shoulders, and neck, and, I am sorry to say, seems to be permanent, as it continues to ague me three+ years later.
The point of this journal (blog) is to relate what efforts I am making to go about combating this pain, both physically and psychologically, and to help me become more motivated in chronicling the level of pain and its impact on my emotional state, twice a day. This, my psychologist says, I ought do, but I am a rotten sort of diarist for that sort of thing, as it turns out.
I probably will not put all the details of the twice daily logs on here, but they may be included in addition to other thoughts that I have had regarding the continuance of pain. It is pretty much constant and often terrible.
But this isn't meant to be half so unhappy as it has sounded thus far! I am keeping the address of this blog to myself but if you should happen across it, feel free to question or (kindly) comment. If you happen to be a family member/friend, shoo! I do not write this for sympathy but in hopes of helping myself to vent and in with a slight fantasy of becoming the next Elizabeth Wurtzel. Huzzah!
Pain/Emotion levels: 0= lowest, 10= highest
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