Going on Vacation

Going on vacation should be something you look forward to and get to enjoy, darn it, but my neck and back ached the whole time from traveling in the car. We only went from Seattle to Vancouver BC, three hours-ish, but the rumbling of the car aggravated everything, to the point where the pain radiated to my lower back and down my hands. I hate it the most when it goes down the hands, because they go numb eventually and I have to stretch and crack everything to regain feeling.

Maybe the answer lies in religion. Just not the one I have now, not that I have it much. Being raised a religion doesn't make you belong to it or it to you, but it is convenient to stay the same. I enjoyed going to reformed Jewish services with L, but I don't think I could go alone; I was raised Catholic and would feel like I was sneaking in as a gawker. I'm sure everyone would be kind, but I'd feel so awkward, and I don't speak any Hebrew and very little Yiddish (next to bupkis). I enjoyed studying Buddhism, but the beliefs have so few similarities to Catholicism, I'd feel like I wasn't practicing a religion, so much as philosophizing. Zen Buddhism offered me the most solace with its philosophy, while Jodo Shinshu seemed the most welcoming and Theravada the closest to Christianity (Ten Precepts, Ten Commandments- some overlap, huzzah), but philosophy is not faith. I know that I'm looking at it wrong, from an academic perspective, but it's just how I feel. I'll include the paper on Buddhist Philosophy and pain in a separate post.

At least in Christianity, it feels like I'm being punished, because that's often why bad things happen, right? Maybe for being too gay or too liberal or practicing self love too often. Maybe because I've hated someone for a long time. Suddenly, I'm reminded of The Lion King:

Timon- Look, kid. Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right?

Simba- Right.

Timon- Wrong! When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world!

I don't know why that suddenly came to mind; I guess I just watched the film too many times as a kid. I know that bad things happen to good people for no reason, but I can't help thinking that I must've done something wrong. Catholic guilt. I hate it, so I need something new. I can't believe so many things in Catholicism, so I can't ascribe to it, right? I looked at the United Church of Christ- because they are the most religious Christian sect, but I'm too scared to attend.

I also looked to support groups, but I don't think people in pain want a baby crying around them, adding to everything, so I haven't attended a meeting yet. Maybe I won't have Baby A on Thursdays (meeting day) after school starts. Maybe the group leader will finally e-mail me back and let me know if I can go anyway. Because I don't think there are any other support groups, and this one is for fibromyalgia, as is.

Ugh, my back and neck hurt terribly tonight but I drank some wine, so no Vicodin dreams. I'll just try to go to sleep, and try to come up with some prettier words for you in the future.

P: 9
Mood: 4