Virginia Woolf's Headaches

Excerpted from Virginia Woolf's diaries, which are quoted in the article "VIRGINIA WOOLF'S PSYCHIATRIC HISTORY: Headaches and Minor Illnesses."

8-8-21: "What a gap! How it would have astounded me to be told when I wrote the last word here, on June 7th, that within a week I shd be in bed, and not entirely out of it till the 6th of August - two whole months rubbed out - these this morning, the first words I have written - to call writing - for sixty days; and those days spent in wearisome headache, jumping pulse, aching back, frets, fidgets, lying awake, sleeping draughts, sedatives, digitalis, going for a little walk, and plunging back into bed again - all the horrors of the dark cupboard of illness once more displayed for my diversion."

Note: I can complete relate with her in regard to the loss of time and the listing of medicines. It seems like half my life is spent trying to find that perfect combination or that one additive that will make my everyday physical experience pleasant once again.

L 26 6 30 "...been out too much at night L says - and have the usual headache - a pain that is in the back of the neck."

Note: The reference to a "usual headache" is sad but so true. It becomes the common to be in pain and the painless days are the exception. Even a day mostly free of pain is a luxury.

L 15 8 29 'These headaches leave one like sand which a wave has uncovered - I believe they have a mystic purpose. Indeed, I'm not sure that there isn't some religious cause at the back of them - I see my own worthlessness and failure so clearly; and lie gazing into the depths of the misery of human life; and then one gets up and everything begins again and is all covered up......I am obsessed at nights with the idea of my own worthlessness, and if it were only to turn a light on to save my life I think I would not do it. These are the last footprints of a headache I suppose. Do you ever feel that? - like an old weed in a stream.'

Note: Two things about this entry are familiar- (1) the concept of pain being a punishment of some sort from a god or spirit, and (2) the depression that accompanies pain. I remember believing that my pain may be a result of my sexual attraction to both males and females for a long while. It is difficult to maintain faith in a cruel god who would be so unkind though. I have yet to find a decent crisis of faith piece in relation to pain. Also, inactivity as well as the religious guilt can lead to this experience of self-detestation.