So, I've been wearing a neck brace lately to help with the pain. It is actually pretty amazing how much the thing helps-- makes me wonder why I had to hear about this method from a friend versus one of the 85,000 health care professionals I've had to deal with over the past four years.
I've been trying to cover up the brace-- the soft collar, I mean-- with scarves, but I think I need to be more diligent adjusting it. People have been asking, and I feel very silly explaining that the car accident was four+ years ago.
Anyway, my disability suddenly feels very public- visible. I'm not sure how I feel about it-- I know sometimes I've felt like people don't believe me because I have nothing to show for my pain. But is a brace really a concrete display of pain? I've taken more Vicodin than usual lately, and I wonder if the resulting slur of voice is more obvious.
Part of me has always wanted the pain to be more like blood oozing from my ears-- an obvious indicator of pain. Those that are more attuned to the disability cultures seem to notice when I hunch over and rub my neck periodically, but I definitely feel panicked that everyone else thinks I'm faking for pity.
But also, sometimes I want to just be "normal" like every other able-bodied student. Not that I'm the only one. And that is definitely a helpful factor.
This sense of confliction has appeared a lot recently- but I will try to write about it more clearly when I'm less pain-distracted.
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