dr

I should go see him.  Maybe get some new medication, a new prescription for another therapy.  Ask to see if I might get a disabled parking permit. [Was told how bad driving is for the environment, encouraged to take the bus.  How did the bus get associated with pain as well?  The bumps.  The sitting.  Jolting pain to make my hands numb and everything else hurt]  The trouble is, what if we're out of options?

He mentioned that we were mostly out of options.

I don't want surgery.  That is our last hope.  I don't want it.  It sounds so much worse.

And the having to explain the pain, have him touch various parts of my body, "Does it hurt here?"  "How much on a scale of one to ten?"  Bend me in different directions, trying to find the hurt.  But it seems like it's everywhere now.  Got into my blood.

How to explain that I need to cancel something important so I can lie in bed and cry all day and have a private catharsis?  Exorcise the bad feelings, "Pin it to a flower, put it out the window, and let it fly away."  Heard that today- getting rid of the bad feelings/ bad sentiment toward others.

I'm hunched over with pain lately.  I think a cane might help, but then I would lose my invisibility.  These are things I could talk to a doctor about.  But I feel like I need to opt out of the medical model.  I feel it has failed me.

Tai Chi and Qigong made it better for a few hours.  Not long enough.  I should start practicing at home.  Anyway, sleep.  I should try to sleep.  Find my Vicodin and slip away.  Stop watching House.

Good night.