With Age

I think the worst part of this whole pain thing is the clear understanding and unfortunate reality that it is probably only going to get worse with age. Sure, my doctors tell me I will eventually be cured; I'm young. But I know what's going to happen: this condition might get better but something else will assuredly arise. All of my parents, after all, have back problems (that's four parents).

I don't really even believe that my semi-truck injury is ever going to get better. Sometimes, I think of it as the great tragedy of my life, other times, I convince/delude myself into believing that I am so lucky-- I might have died, after all, and then where would I be (ah, there's the question)? I think it is so much easier to put things into perspective when you have something terrible to relate it all to, you know?

Then again, I am especially at peace today. Well, anyway, let's have a positive post then. Cheer you all up.

I had a revelation last week, which might not seem all that grand but was very significant in my life, nonetheless. Upon considering reconciling with a person with whom I had an unpleasant experience/falling out a few weeks ago, I realized that I simply didn't have any desire to maintain that particular friendship. It occurred to me that I have been making close acquaintances of people who I do not particularly enjoy the company of.

It's absurd! Think about it- why would I want to be with someone I don't like? And, more importantly, why should I focus on making people like me so much?-- if they don't like me, I sure as hell shouldn't like them!

I think that this is a major confidence breakthrough. I've realized that I actually do like myself. I try to be good, and what more could you ask for?

Now, I just need to apply this to my silly embarrassment at showing my pain in public. I should do what makes me feel most comfortable-- it is my agony, not theirs, darnit! So, if I've a headache, I shall wear sunglasses, regardless of where I am. What do I care if people stare? It just shows they are ignorant of the realities of MIGRAINE. I shall wear those heat patches, put ice packs on, take pills, wear sunglasses, cancel class, and do whatever I need to maintain a happy outlook. There is nothing worse than toughing it out, and I'm not going to do it more than I have to.

I shall make every endeavor to remain a good student, but grades cannot be more important than my well-being. I must remember that I don't make enough money for work to be more important than my well-being-- if I have a pain crisis, it is going to cost my parents' insurances far more than I'd earn working. I am in a part-time job-- it is not the end of the world if I must leave it, however much I enjoy it. I must remember that I am far happier now than I was before, which probably accounts for why I enjoy working at the place I now am (not now... I'm actually at home in bed. hmm...)

This was meant to be a depressing post, but I suppose the wine kicked in just in time or something. I'm not going to worry about the future-- let us assume that the pain will only decrease and I will only grow merrier with each passing day.

Cheers!

Moral of story-- sometimes, a drink in the evening is good for the (psychological) health!

M: 10
P: 5 <--- probably has something to do with it.