lousy ass doctor's visit

Well, I went to see my pain doctor this week, and had lots of lousy news.  Apparently, my PT hasn't been following her instructions per the prescription-- which specifically tells them I need mostly stretching and deep tissue massage.  Instead, they've been doing lots of cardio and strength training, which isn't hugely helpful because I do that on my own.  I stretch on my own too, but not all the stretches are one-person.

Anyway, I'm going to be starting up with a new PT in 2011, in addition to yoga and acupuncture.  I've tried all of these before, but am feeling good that there will be more progress.

On a more philosophically significant note, I am apparently now on so many pain pills that if I were to stop taking them, I would go into some sort of shock.  I asked my regular dr. about all the pills I'm on and whether or not I should be concerned/ consider paring some out, but he got pretty nervous and told me that would be a bad idea, and told me what some of the consequences might be (i.e. shock, hospital, etc.).  So that's not hugely thrilling.  I got my pain pill dosages upped last week, in addition to the new medication from the week before.  I've been sleeping pretty well though, so that's good news.

Hm, I wonder if hot yoga would be good, because heat is good for my condition and yoga is.  Any thoughts, single reader?

updating the disability accomodations

well, here i am again, getting those damned disability acommodations updated.  stupid hands are hurting again today, so try to ignore the lack of caps.  my pinkies always hurt worst, so i try to avoid capitalizing (the only other option being to capitalize everything). 

anyway, it would be real nice if there was just a form or something saying what my dr should say.  apparently, i've got to have the diagnosis on there (i'm not reliable enough to say it myself?).  also, i probably should update for the migraines (though this is an oversimplification of terms- it is a tension headache but people tend to misunderstand the difference- basically tension headaches are caused by physical factors like chronic pain and migraines are chemically-based.  if i understood right anyway).  i just don't want profs to think i am sick every time i have to run out to puke.  lovely, that.

maybe i should also try to get some med side effects marked down.  the new migraine pills are kinda crazy- can make me go hyperactive.  i think they're upsetting my stomach too, but that's not so important.

migraine dream

migraine dream

a funny thing
happened to me
on the way to waking
i was shot in the head
(by irish mobsters,
if I remember right)

but the bullet kept on
going through my head
and proceeds through now
piercing every memory
with a silvery film of
cold metallic touches

the ambiguous nature
seeing the bullet in your head
that is in your head
a plan to subvert the mind
with the mind that plots
to subvert or not

it’s funny to be touched
by nothing yet everything
the light reaching out more
every sound wants only
for you to hear it
above the tinnitus ring

but if this all is just
something the mind
(for some reason) concocted
then what is the matter
with us all getting together
for a little trepanation party

Tension headaches

Ah ha- apparently recent crazy pains are from tension headaches-- really bad ones!  Apparently, tension headaches are actually a lot like migraines (I thought they were really different >.<) except that they aren't caused by chemicals but muscle tension.  And I've got a whole lot of that.  So that's why I've been all super painy and puking and hiding out in dark, quiet caves.

The dr. gave me a new medication to take when these headaches start.  It is supposed to take them away within a few hours.  That is much better than being in bed for a week crying and puking from pain, and throwing all the kitties out because they are too noisy (and bright? O.o).

Also, I asked the dr. about all the crazy prescriptions I'm on- and he said, and I quote: "Things would be a lot worse if you stopped taking them."  Basically, if I stop any pain meds, my pain levels are going to get crazy.  Comforting thought.  But, anyway, they definitely are NOT increasing my pain levels. 

I am seeing Dr. Ren next week, and will also call to make the appt. with new acupuncturist tomorrow.  Oh!  And dr. said not to go to PT again until I see Dr. Ren, because they made the pain so much worse last week (not the first time...). 

There.  I have updated.  Feeling very powerful.

ghost pain

ghost pains

it's philosophical, really,
the way the pain stays with you
even after it has faded

a sensation so hard to express
not so much a tingling or actual feeling
but the memory of a feeling

it is the way a terrible hurting
leaves its mark and somehow scars
tattooing its name on your body

or, rather, the memory of a body ravaged
taken to the brink of something profoundly other
beyond the conception of any mind

the hauntological implications
of the ghost pains creep
until a poltergeist it becomes

Roman Polanski quote

"Cut off my arm. I say, ‘Me and my arm.’ You cut off my other arm. I say, ‘Me and my two arms.’
You take out…take out my stomach, my kidneys, assuming that were possible, and I say, ‘Me and my intestines.’
Follow me?
And now, if you cut off my head, what would I say…’Me and my head’ or ‘Me and my body’?
What right has my head to call itself Me?"

—	Roman Polanski, The Tenant

I was reading a few pieces on Leslie Scalapino's poetryand the self-other conflict of chronic pain, and it made me think of this scene.  I actually haven't seen the movie, but a gal in the year ahead of me told me about this scene when I was talking about my research.  Anyway, it is a difficult thing to figure out, this self-other divide, particularly in light of chronic pain.  Am I my pain/is my pain me?  Can I really separate the pain that inhabits my body from my body itself and from me as defined by and/or through my body?

Roman Polanski's quote particularly highlights the elevation of the brain over body.  It is not so much the head that matters as the brain within it.  I'll need to think on this more when I am awake.

Magicks

Well, today I experienced something I haven't yet in nearly five years of pain relief therapy- a quick cessation of pain.  I've been in quite terrible pain this week, such that I couldn't do anything, not even read, listen to music, or watch TV.  I basically drank Nyquil and tried to sleep it off.

Anyway, I went to PT today and the PT assistant did some magicks on me.  She massaged and ultra-sounded my neck and shoulders for half an hour, and I left the appointment with quite a manageable amount of pain.  It was decreased by half.

Of course, now I've still got the post-terrible pain exhaustion and the ghost of awful pain (I'm sure it's got a name, and I'll look it up at some point, but if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not sure I can explain it).  Almost through the quarter though, so I should hopefully have a chance to heal and rest.