One of the things Elaine Scarry speaks to at some length in The Body in Pain is the way in which ordinary objects became symbols of pain through the act of torture. An example she gives is the refrigerator, which can become a bludgeon, the floor, walls, hot water, etc. She speaks of Germany in the 1940s, and the associations attached by death camp survivors to things such as showers, ovens, lampshades, and soap (41).
While reading this chapter, I kept thinking about how ordinary experiences, not so much things, become symbols of pain for one with chronic pain.
Last night, I went to see a film at a movie theatre, something I had come to dread during the day. Every time I go to the movies, I end up in such terrible pain, for sitting for long periods of time is one of the hardest things for me. The film was Eat, Pray, Love, a movie divided into three parts, and by the end of the first third I was considering leaving to go care for myself. I had to shift constantly and even so could not eliminate the pain to any degree.
Similarly, the long car trip has become an image of agony for me. I went on vacation a few weeks ago, from Seattle to Bend, Oregon. The drive should be around seven hours, but knowing that I could not manage to be in the car for so long, we planned to stop overnight in Portland. Thus the trip was divided into a three hour drive one day, a five hour drive the next.
It did not help much at all. I actually threw up from the pain and have had a much worse back since returning. A long car ride is something from which I must recover. Conversely, long, hard exercise is a temporary cure to pain, something I am treated to after a difficult day of sitting.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
ETS Rant
Well, I'm sure I've mentioned it, but I'm applying for PhD programs this Fall, and there's a lot of work to be done. One of the big hurdles is the GRE. I've taken it before and within the past five years, so I don't actually have to take it again, but it might hurt my chances of getting into some schools if I don't.
The trouble is, I've filled out quite a bit of paperwork to get disability accommodations, which included a section for the disability specialist at my school to fill out, and a request for letters from doctors explaining the current state of my disability.
It was a lot of work. My nice mom called to get the details on what exactly I needed to have filled out, and I tried to be gentle with what I requested, to make it easier for everyone. The test is about 4 hours long, and there's a 10 minute break at one point. The big pain thing for me is sitting for too long, and I remember how terrible it was last time, so I just asked for two additional ten minute breaks (one for each hour).
Well, I got a mean email from ETS (group that does GRE) after calling to tell them I hadn't received anything after sending in my paperwork weeks ago, and the letter tells me I must turn in additional materials. It'll be a lot of extra work, and I'm none too pleased about them not being clearer on what they needed in the first place.
I actually had to go to the bathroom to cry at work, because I couldn't hold it together. It is just so frustrating-- they actually want me to write a paper saying what exactly my issue is.
Anyway, I'll know soon whether I really need to take it again or not-- checked with my advisor, and he's checking with others. In any case, I am so irritated, particularly in light of the man I spoke with on the phone being rude.
Honestly though, taking the GRE was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was so hard on my back and neck, so terribly stressful, time consuming, needing lots of study, etc. This extra paperwork makes it so much worse, plus the rudeness, the lack of response in a timely manner, and this continued suggestion that I'm just trying to cheat.
Ugh, I already know the damn test is sexist, classist, and racist, but now I have to face it's ableism as well. I just want to do a mean ass case study on the ETS as the epitome of apathy toward people with disabilities. I probably will at some point. Because I hate really hate the GRE, have for a while, but now I hate ETS as well. As if I didn't have it hard enough already. Sending waves of bad thoughts-- hope the whole test is done away with (but that all employees find other, more fulfilling positions elsewhere).
So angry- gah! Anyway, I'm going to bed. Or at least going to try, as the pain has been keeping me up/making me wake up lately. Ugh.
The trouble is, I've filled out quite a bit of paperwork to get disability accommodations, which included a section for the disability specialist at my school to fill out, and a request for letters from doctors explaining the current state of my disability.
It was a lot of work. My nice mom called to get the details on what exactly I needed to have filled out, and I tried to be gentle with what I requested, to make it easier for everyone. The test is about 4 hours long, and there's a 10 minute break at one point. The big pain thing for me is sitting for too long, and I remember how terrible it was last time, so I just asked for two additional ten minute breaks (one for each hour).
Well, I got a mean email from ETS (group that does GRE) after calling to tell them I hadn't received anything after sending in my paperwork weeks ago, and the letter tells me I must turn in additional materials. It'll be a lot of extra work, and I'm none too pleased about them not being clearer on what they needed in the first place.
I actually had to go to the bathroom to cry at work, because I couldn't hold it together. It is just so frustrating-- they actually want me to write a paper saying what exactly my issue is.
Anyway, I'll know soon whether I really need to take it again or not-- checked with my advisor, and he's checking with others. In any case, I am so irritated, particularly in light of the man I spoke with on the phone being rude.
Honestly though, taking the GRE was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was so hard on my back and neck, so terribly stressful, time consuming, needing lots of study, etc. This extra paperwork makes it so much worse, plus the rudeness, the lack of response in a timely manner, and this continued suggestion that I'm just trying to cheat.
Ugh, I already know the damn test is sexist, classist, and racist, but now I have to face it's ableism as well. I just want to do a mean ass case study on the ETS as the epitome of apathy toward people with disabilities. I probably will at some point. Because I hate really hate the GRE, have for a while, but now I hate ETS as well. As if I didn't have it hard enough already. Sending waves of bad thoughts-- hope the whole test is done away with (but that all employees find other, more fulfilling positions elsewhere).
So angry- gah! Anyway, I'm going to bed. Or at least going to try, as the pain has been keeping me up/making me wake up lately. Ugh.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Hitting a High
In a bad way. I just realized the title could be taken to be something happy, which it certainly isn't. Alas.
So, the terrible thing is that riding in cars, particularly when I am not the driver, is the worst thing for my pain. We knew this, going on vacation to Bend, Oregon, so we stopped in Portland going and coming for a day. The trouble is, even broken up, the three plus five hours in the car over the course of two days is a bit like riding one of those bucking bull things at the pub. My neck wrenched back and forth and I literally threw up.
Now that I'm back, it seems not to be getting any better. I had PT but that didn't help (I'm not entirely sure it didn't make it worse either). I took my one of my "just for emergencies" pills, and it made me crazy woozy, but didn't help the pain at all. I went to the gym, and the pain went away so long as I was killing myself working out, but it came back immediately after I stopped.
Have PT again tomorrow (twice a week- ugh). I guess the best thing would be to try to schedule another trigger point session with my doctor. But then there's the driving. And the bus is even worse. I feel bad for not being green, but I honestly can't take riding the bus anymore. The constant stop and go kills me.
Guess I'll just suck it up and go to the doctor again. Maybe go in for another massage, but damn that hurts worse than the injections.
Enough of the whining. Good night.
So, the terrible thing is that riding in cars, particularly when I am not the driver, is the worst thing for my pain. We knew this, going on vacation to Bend, Oregon, so we stopped in Portland going and coming for a day. The trouble is, even broken up, the three plus five hours in the car over the course of two days is a bit like riding one of those bucking bull things at the pub. My neck wrenched back and forth and I literally threw up.
Now that I'm back, it seems not to be getting any better. I had PT but that didn't help (I'm not entirely sure it didn't make it worse either). I took my one of my "just for emergencies" pills, and it made me crazy woozy, but didn't help the pain at all. I went to the gym, and the pain went away so long as I was killing myself working out, but it came back immediately after I stopped.
Have PT again tomorrow (twice a week- ugh). I guess the best thing would be to try to schedule another trigger point session with my doctor. But then there's the driving. And the bus is even worse. I feel bad for not being green, but I honestly can't take riding the bus anymore. The constant stop and go kills me.
Guess I'll just suck it up and go to the doctor again. Maybe go in for another massage, but damn that hurts worse than the injections.
Enough of the whining. Good night.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Knowing abilities
One of the worst things about having and having to register a disability is that the authority over your own body is placed in the hands of another. Or at least they often think they have authority or expert knowledge. You should think that it can be taken for granted that, if nothing else, we are all experts on ourselves. Yet so many responses to disability want to remove of us even that.
I should be able to feel whatever degree of pain I feel, and be honest about it. Doctors want to tell us, however, that something "won't hurt very much," or "can't be all that bad." "If you are able to make it through the day, it can't be that bad," "trigger point injections don't hurt very much." It delegitimizes our experiences-- makes us feel like we are weak or some kind of freaks.
It is also exhausting being told what you can or cannot do on account of your pain. For years, I did not jog or do any really difficult cardio because my back doctors told me I couldn't-- they forbade me to go running. Then a few months ago, I am suddenly told that that diagnosis was crazy-- in fact, cardio is said to be one of the best things a person can do for one's aching neck because pain-causing cortisol is destroyed.
When I first wanted to go to Japan as an undergrad, I went to speak with the disability specialist at Seattle U. He would not believe that I could climb Mt. Fuji, even in light of other successful hiking endeavors. I really wanted to prove him wrong (alas, Fuji-san was closed while I was in Japan, however, I did "summit" Mt. Takae).
Now I am worried about telling any of the health care professionals on my "case" that I'm training for a triathlon. Just telling some of my family has received a raised-eyebrow response. I work my ass off every day at the gym despite chronic pain, why would a triathlon be any different? It's just making my training more specific and being willing to accept "no pain, no gain," which any athlete must do. Working out really hard hurts anyone to some extent- muscle pain associated with muscle gain. I would just like to have the benefit of the doubt and the ability to judge for myself what I can and cannot do.
I have terrible asthma as well, and that's one reason I was so willing to give up running in the first place. I don't much like running, but now I feel like I have to do the triathlon to prove something. Why do I have to prove my ability to do something that any other 22-year-old woman would be assumed to be capable of?
Then it's the medications. I am now told that I shouldn't be placed on certain medications because, on account of my age, I am succeptible to addiction. It is exhausting having to deal with this god-like guardianship doctors hold over their patients sometimes-- I was on Vicodin for years without getting addicted, yet somehow I haven't yet proved myself. Apparently, my "stupid punk ass kid" perceived subjectivity trumps my "in obvious pain" subjectivity.
I think this is what they call "medical patriarchy," but I'll have to look it up when I'm less pissed off. In any case, I'm training for a triathlon in June and another in August, and the next person who hints at me being incapable of this feat is going to be attacked by my bottled up rage/silence. I guess I should stop being quiet about it-- "quiet desperation," alas. Grrr.
I should be able to feel whatever degree of pain I feel, and be honest about it. Doctors want to tell us, however, that something "won't hurt very much," or "can't be all that bad." "If you are able to make it through the day, it can't be that bad," "trigger point injections don't hurt very much." It delegitimizes our experiences-- makes us feel like we are weak or some kind of freaks.
It is also exhausting being told what you can or cannot do on account of your pain. For years, I did not jog or do any really difficult cardio because my back doctors told me I couldn't-- they forbade me to go running. Then a few months ago, I am suddenly told that that diagnosis was crazy-- in fact, cardio is said to be one of the best things a person can do for one's aching neck because pain-causing cortisol is destroyed.
When I first wanted to go to Japan as an undergrad, I went to speak with the disability specialist at Seattle U. He would not believe that I could climb Mt. Fuji, even in light of other successful hiking endeavors. I really wanted to prove him wrong (alas, Fuji-san was closed while I was in Japan, however, I did "summit" Mt. Takae).
Now I am worried about telling any of the health care professionals on my "case" that I'm training for a triathlon. Just telling some of my family has received a raised-eyebrow response. I work my ass off every day at the gym despite chronic pain, why would a triathlon be any different? It's just making my training more specific and being willing to accept "no pain, no gain," which any athlete must do. Working out really hard hurts anyone to some extent- muscle pain associated with muscle gain. I would just like to have the benefit of the doubt and the ability to judge for myself what I can and cannot do.
I have terrible asthma as well, and that's one reason I was so willing to give up running in the first place. I don't much like running, but now I feel like I have to do the triathlon to prove something. Why do I have to prove my ability to do something that any other 22-year-old woman would be assumed to be capable of?
Then it's the medications. I am now told that I shouldn't be placed on certain medications because, on account of my age, I am succeptible to addiction. It is exhausting having to deal with this god-like guardianship doctors hold over their patients sometimes-- I was on Vicodin for years without getting addicted, yet somehow I haven't yet proved myself. Apparently, my "stupid punk ass kid" perceived subjectivity trumps my "in obvious pain" subjectivity.
I think this is what they call "medical patriarchy," but I'll have to look it up when I'm less pissed off. In any case, I'm training for a triathlon in June and another in August, and the next person who hints at me being incapable of this feat is going to be attacked by my bottled up rage/silence. I guess I should stop being quiet about it-- "quiet desperation," alas. Grrr.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Trigger Point Injections
So the series of cortisone shots I get are apparently called Trigger Point Injections. I got them for the second time last week, and will be getting them once a month for the time being. This is in addition to the PT (by the by, my PT says that cardio workouts are supposed to be the best thing for neck pain because cortisol, which causes pain, is destroyed-- which really doesn't explain my aching neck every evening but nonetheless), is meant to "cure" me. I have more faith in the therapy dog (his name is Mogul, by the way).
I wonder if I can ask specifically to do some therapy with the dog. That would be awesome. I love animal assisted therapy. I truly believe that my cats help me more than anything else, if only because they relieve stress. Wah, who doesn't love the kitties! <3
Anyway, I looked up trigger point injections, and they, along with PT and massage, seem to be the primary treatment for "myofascial pain syndrome".
Here is the description from Healthcommunities.com:
Trigger point injection (TPI) is used to treat extremely painful areas of muscle. Normal muscle contracts and relaxes when it is active. A trigger point is a knot or tight, ropy band of muscle that forms when muscle fails to relax. The knot often can be felt under the skin and may twitch involuntarily when touched (called a jump sign).
The trigger point can trap or irritate surrounding nerves and cause referred pain — pain felt in another part of the body. Scar tissue, loss of range of motion, and weakness may develop over time.
TPI is used to alleviate myofascial pain syndrome (chronic pain involving tissue that surrounds muscle) that does not respond to other treatment, although there is some debate over its effectiveness. Many muscle groups, especially those in the arms, legs, lower back, and neck, are treated by this method. TPI also can be used to treat Fibromyalgia and tension headaches.
--
Anyway, it isn't supposed to hurt :( Now I feel terrible for feeling terrible. But anyway, it did hurt quite a bit in certain areas, and not at all in other areas. Well, I can vouch for its temporary effectiveness. Only lasts about three weeks, but the pain is definitely decreased. Hrm.
I wonder if I can ask specifically to do some therapy with the dog. That would be awesome. I love animal assisted therapy. I truly believe that my cats help me more than anything else, if only because they relieve stress. Wah, who doesn't love the kitties! <3
Anyway, I looked up trigger point injections, and they, along with PT and massage, seem to be the primary treatment for "myofascial pain syndrome".
Here is the description from Healthcommunities.com:
Trigger point injection (TPI) is used to treat extremely painful areas of muscle. Normal muscle contracts and relaxes when it is active. A trigger point is a knot or tight, ropy band of muscle that forms when muscle fails to relax. The knot often can be felt under the skin and may twitch involuntarily when touched (called a jump sign).
The trigger point can trap or irritate surrounding nerves and cause referred pain — pain felt in another part of the body. Scar tissue, loss of range of motion, and weakness may develop over time.
TPI is used to alleviate myofascial pain syndrome (chronic pain involving tissue that surrounds muscle) that does not respond to other treatment, although there is some debate over its effectiveness. Many muscle groups, especially those in the arms, legs, lower back, and neck, are treated by this method. TPI also can be used to treat Fibromyalgia and tension headaches.
--
Anyway, it isn't supposed to hurt :( Now I feel terrible for feeling terrible. But anyway, it did hurt quite a bit in certain areas, and not at all in other areas. Well, I can vouch for its temporary effectiveness. Only lasts about three weeks, but the pain is definitely decreased. Hrm.
New PT
I've started with a new PT this week. I will be going in twice a week for six weeks. How irritating. At least we found someone close to my work/school. But honestly, I really have zero faith in PT at this point. Trying to be hopeful, well, at least pleasant to the people there. There's a therapy dog who is quite cute.
Anyway, they did this weird thing where they shot electricity through me. Then it made this constant beeping, which became more frequent when the electric shooting thing touched areas where the pain was worse. So they could tell that my left side is worse (by the by, my physiatrist can tell this just by touching me back and neck-- talent!).
I hate doing the darned exercises. You have to do them twice a day indefinitely. I hate that. Just having to get up ten minutes earlier and going to bed ten minutes later. The lack of muscle-building feeling plus the sudden pain in already pained area.
I will focus on the joy of seeing the dog.
Anyway, they did this weird thing where they shot electricity through me. Then it made this constant beeping, which became more frequent when the electric shooting thing touched areas where the pain was worse. So they could tell that my left side is worse (by the by, my physiatrist can tell this just by touching me back and neck-- talent!).
I hate doing the darned exercises. You have to do them twice a day indefinitely. I hate that. Just having to get up ten minutes earlier and going to bed ten minutes later. The lack of muscle-building feeling plus the sudden pain in already pained area.
I will focus on the joy of seeing the dog.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Addicted to Exercise
Oh, that title looks so silly, but it's the honest truth. Somehow, in the past month, I have become an exercise addict. Seriously. I went to the gym twice today. On Wednesday, I'm planning to go twice again, weights in the morning (45 min), Tai Chi in the afternoon (one hour), and then my usual cardio with stairclimber and eliptical (1 hour). I feel a bit like I'm waiting for the ebb to come ripping me back out to sea (how's that for a metaphor?), but so far, all is good.
The thing I noticed recently was that my neck doesn't hurt when I'm really working out. Sweat slicking back my bangs working out. It stops hurting for a bit, so I just want to prolong it. I'm sure this will lead to other things-- my neck, the boney part, was hurting this weekend. What's that about? There was joint pain down my spine, but the muscle was fine. But I didn't really care about that pain-- so much less than what I'm used to. And this kind of muscle pain is nice.
I've also realized that my mind works better if I read while doing cardio. I know it sounds like that would detract from the work out, but somehow it makes it more intense. Not sure how that works out. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain and Greenberg's The Body Broken while working out this week. The theological text was a little rough at first, but no worries. I'll need to do an overview when I'm done. Greenberg's text is pretty alarming-- the idea of having a terrible accident then feeling better for twenty years and having it all come back. It's my worst nightmare- if ever I get through this-- the idea of it returning someday.
Anyway, I'm thinking of training for a triathlon, since I'm going to be working out so much for temporary pain relief anyway. I know it's a little sad, because I'm only addicted to the passing cessation of pain, but I'll take what I can get. Especially since I'll be going to PT for the third or forth go around (not session, understand, but entirely new PT and series of sessions), and have no hope that it will help.
But then, there's also the whole being booted from your disability community if your disability heals. I should do a post on that sometime- hm....
The thing I noticed recently was that my neck doesn't hurt when I'm really working out. Sweat slicking back my bangs working out. It stops hurting for a bit, so I just want to prolong it. I'm sure this will lead to other things-- my neck, the boney part, was hurting this weekend. What's that about? There was joint pain down my spine, but the muscle was fine. But I didn't really care about that pain-- so much less than what I'm used to. And this kind of muscle pain is nice.
I've also realized that my mind works better if I read while doing cardio. I know it sounds like that would detract from the work out, but somehow it makes it more intense. Not sure how that works out. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain and Greenberg's The Body Broken while working out this week. The theological text was a little rough at first, but no worries. I'll need to do an overview when I'm done. Greenberg's text is pretty alarming-- the idea of having a terrible accident then feeling better for twenty years and having it all come back. It's my worst nightmare- if ever I get through this-- the idea of it returning someday.
Anyway, I'm thinking of training for a triathlon, since I'm going to be working out so much for temporary pain relief anyway. I know it's a little sad, because I'm only addicted to the passing cessation of pain, but I'll take what I can get. Especially since I'll be going to PT for the third or forth go around (not session, understand, but entirely new PT and series of sessions), and have no hope that it will help.
But then, there's also the whole being booted from your disability community if your disability heals. I should do a post on that sometime- hm....
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