Ah ha- apparently recent crazy pains are from tension headaches-- really bad ones! Apparently, tension headaches are actually a lot like migraines (I thought they were really different >.<) except that they aren't caused by chemicals but muscle tension. And I've got a whole lot of that. So that's why I've been all super painy and puking and hiding out in dark, quiet caves.
The dr. gave me a new medication to take when these headaches start. It is supposed to take them away within a few hours. That is much better than being in bed for a week crying and puking from pain, and throwing all the kitties out because they are too noisy (and bright? O.o).
Also, I asked the dr. about all the crazy prescriptions I'm on- and he said, and I quote: "Things would be a lot worse if you stopped taking them." Basically, if I stop any pain meds, my pain levels are going to get crazy. Comforting thought. But, anyway, they definitely are NOT increasing my pain levels.
I am seeing Dr. Ren next week, and will also call to make the appt. with new acupuncturist tomorrow. Oh! And dr. said not to go to PT again until I see Dr. Ren, because they made the pain so much worse last week (not the first time...).
There. I have updated. Feeling very powerful.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
ghost pain
ghost pains
it's philosophical, really,
the way the pain stays with you
even after it has faded
a sensation so hard to express
not so much a tingling or actual feeling
but the memory of a feeling
it is the way a terrible hurting
leaves its mark and somehow scars
tattooing its name on your body
or, rather, the memory of a body ravaged
taken to the brink of something profoundly other
beyond the conception of any mind
the hauntological implications
of the ghost pains creep
until a poltergeist it becomes
it's philosophical, really,
the way the pain stays with you
even after it has faded
a sensation so hard to express
not so much a tingling or actual feeling
but the memory of a feeling
it is the way a terrible hurting
leaves its mark and somehow scars
tattooing its name on your body
or, rather, the memory of a body ravaged
taken to the brink of something profoundly other
beyond the conception of any mind
the hauntological implications
of the ghost pains creep
until a poltergeist it becomes
Friday, December 3, 2010
Roman Polanski quote
"Cut off my arm. I say, ‘Me and my arm.’ You cut off my other arm. I say, ‘Me and my two arms.’
You take out…take out my stomach, my kidneys, assuming that were possible, and I say, ‘Me and my intestines.’
Follow me?
And now, if you cut off my head, what would I say…’Me and my head’ or ‘Me and my body’?
What right has my head to call itself Me?"
I was reading a few pieces on Leslie Scalapino's poetryand the self-other conflict of chronic pain, and it made me think of this scene. I actually haven't seen the movie, but a gal in the year ahead of me told me about this scene when I was talking about my research. Anyway, it is a difficult thing to figure out, this self-other divide, particularly in light of chronic pain. Am I my pain/is my pain me? Can I really separate the pain that inhabits my body from my body itself and from me as defined by and/or through my body?
Roman Polanski's quote particularly highlights the elevation of the brain over body. It is not so much the head that matters as the brain within it. I'll need to think on this more when I am awake.
You take out…take out my stomach, my kidneys, assuming that were possible, and I say, ‘Me and my intestines.’
Follow me?
And now, if you cut off my head, what would I say…’Me and my head’ or ‘Me and my body’?
What right has my head to call itself Me?"
| — | Roman Polanski, The Tenant |
I was reading a few pieces on Leslie Scalapino's poetryand the self-other conflict of chronic pain, and it made me think of this scene. I actually haven't seen the movie, but a gal in the year ahead of me told me about this scene when I was talking about my research. Anyway, it is a difficult thing to figure out, this self-other divide, particularly in light of chronic pain. Am I my pain/is my pain me? Can I really separate the pain that inhabits my body from my body itself and from me as defined by and/or through my body?
Roman Polanski's quote particularly highlights the elevation of the brain over body. It is not so much the head that matters as the brain within it. I'll need to think on this more when I am awake.
Magicks
Well, today I experienced something I haven't yet in nearly five years of pain relief therapy- a quick cessation of pain. I've been in quite terrible pain this week, such that I couldn't do anything, not even read, listen to music, or watch TV. I basically drank Nyquil and tried to sleep it off.
Anyway, I went to PT today and the PT assistant did some magicks on me. She massaged and ultra-sounded my neck and shoulders for half an hour, and I left the appointment with quite a manageable amount of pain. It was decreased by half.
Of course, now I've still got the post-terrible pain exhaustion and the ghost of awful pain (I'm sure it's got a name, and I'll look it up at some point, but if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not sure I can explain it). Almost through the quarter though, so I should hopefully have a chance to heal and rest.
Anyway, I went to PT today and the PT assistant did some magicks on me. She massaged and ultra-sounded my neck and shoulders for half an hour, and I left the appointment with quite a manageable amount of pain. It was decreased by half.
Of course, now I've still got the post-terrible pain exhaustion and the ghost of awful pain (I'm sure it's got a name, and I'll look it up at some point, but if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not sure I can explain it). Almost through the quarter though, so I should hopefully have a chance to heal and rest.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Condition
I've been a bit bummed today and yesterday, because I found a description of myofascial pain syndrome in Patrick Wall's Pain: The Science of Suffering while working on a paper. It just kinda reiterated what all I knew, but didn't give much thought to, on account of thinking myself uneducated. I actually only got my diagnosis a few months back, but I thought it was this all along.
Weird spasms in my stomach today too. I'm not sure what's up with that, but if it happens again, I might need to call my doctor. Nothing I've felt before, so I was more interested it than annoyed by the pain- but it was pretty bad. Also, I keep losing feeling in my fingers again. Most annoying.
Unlike fibromyalgia, myofascial pain is localized to one area. There are tender points where pressing will often result in pain, which spreads to distant areas and imitates the pain of which the patient complains. Under the tender points, a taut band of muscles can be felt… Myofascial trigger points may appear in the region of injury to the vertebrae as in whiplash accidents… When the pain has lasted for six months or more, the prognosis becomes progressively worse. Local treatment of the tender spots provides temporary relief, but the tenderness returns… Because [the doctors] can demonstrate no local cause, they conclude that the disease does not exist. (104)Anyway, today was a high pain day. In fact, it is so bad right now, that I'm wondering if I can tough it out for all I need to do tomorrow: work, internship, reading group on human migration, class. At least I don't have PT, though I think I will need to work out tomorrow. I didn't today because of the pain.
Weird spasms in my stomach today too. I'm not sure what's up with that, but if it happens again, I might need to call my doctor. Nothing I've felt before, so I was more interested it than annoyed by the pain- but it was pretty bad. Also, I keep losing feeling in my fingers again. Most annoying.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
PTSD
I know, I know. It generally is associated with war zone type things. And I do not want to in any way demean those experiences, but I was actually diagnosed with PTSD a few years back.
The reason for my pain, as I have said a few times but not recently, is a car accident. I was in the back passenger's seat of a friend's family's car when a semi truck lost control on an icy road and hit us. (Side note: it is really surprising to me that I can write that so apathetically at this particular point.) Anyway, it took me a while to be comfortable driving (like years) and then I was in another accident that totalled my car (girl ran a red light), so that made it worse again. But the worst thing is driving in icy conditions.
Anyway, it doesn't actually have to be me driving, just having to be on the road when it's icy out plays mad games with my stress levels. I don't get flashbacks, but I remember, and I get so angry. Seriously angry. Because it was so idiotic to be on the road in the first place, what with it being so icy.
But the thing is, we never think that something terrible is going to happen. Sure, it's icy, but worst case scenario, we'll spin into a ditch. The thing is, I know how bad it can be. I can't even honestly say that I feel I lucked out, because maybe the alternative would have been better- who knows?
And I feel like it has to be something pretty damn important to get me on the roads on an icy day like today. Like an emergency or having a baby. Possibly the apocalypse. Who knows?
Very very bitter. Grr!
The reason for my pain, as I have said a few times but not recently, is a car accident. I was in the back passenger's seat of a friend's family's car when a semi truck lost control on an icy road and hit us. (Side note: it is really surprising to me that I can write that so apathetically at this particular point.) Anyway, it took me a while to be comfortable driving (like years) and then I was in another accident that totalled my car (girl ran a red light), so that made it worse again. But the worst thing is driving in icy conditions.
Anyway, it doesn't actually have to be me driving, just having to be on the road when it's icy out plays mad games with my stress levels. I don't get flashbacks, but I remember, and I get so angry. Seriously angry. Because it was so idiotic to be on the road in the first place, what with it being so icy.
But the thing is, we never think that something terrible is going to happen. Sure, it's icy, but worst case scenario, we'll spin into a ditch. The thing is, I know how bad it can be. I can't even honestly say that I feel I lucked out, because maybe the alternative would have been better- who knows?
And I feel like it has to be something pretty damn important to get me on the roads on an icy day like today. Like an emergency or having a baby. Possibly the apocalypse. Who knows?
Very very bitter. Grr!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Terrible Pain Day
I'm really starting to think that alcohol does help with pain. At least temporarily. I was pretty tipsy all last night, and I was okay with the bad pain. But then I was perfectly sober all day today, and it was rotten. Serious pain situation right now. But I'm going to have to tough it out tomorrow. So here's hoping (once again) for snow.
It is a short week, so it is more or less just me toughing it out for work the next few days, plus PT tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning. I'll need to make sure to get to the gym, though I find it never helps during a pain crisis, only with general pain management.
The worst thing about PT is that you have to cancel 24 hours in advance or you get a $50 fine. So if I'm in a pain crisis, I have to suck it up and go in (where they make me work out no matter how bad it hurts, sadists) or pay the damn fifty bucks. But today is Sunday, so they are closed, and I can't cancel for tomorrow. Plus, I sure as hell didn't get up at 7:45 a.m. on a Sunday following a party.
I should be writing some poetry to actually better consider the implications of the pain-filled body, but the trouble is, the more pain I'm in, the less I want to think about anything. It is hard enough to consider surviving the night-- sometimes, it feels like I will just slip away from the pain.
Anyway, better get to sleep so I can get up at 7 for PT. I really should get up half an hour earlier, but I'm not going to. They don't fine you for being late (yet). There you have it.
It is a short week, so it is more or less just me toughing it out for work the next few days, plus PT tomorrow morning and Wednesday morning. I'll need to make sure to get to the gym, though I find it never helps during a pain crisis, only with general pain management.
The worst thing about PT is that you have to cancel 24 hours in advance or you get a $50 fine. So if I'm in a pain crisis, I have to suck it up and go in (where they make me work out no matter how bad it hurts, sadists) or pay the damn fifty bucks. But today is Sunday, so they are closed, and I can't cancel for tomorrow. Plus, I sure as hell didn't get up at 7:45 a.m. on a Sunday following a party.
I should be writing some poetry to actually better consider the implications of the pain-filled body, but the trouble is, the more pain I'm in, the less I want to think about anything. It is hard enough to consider surviving the night-- sometimes, it feels like I will just slip away from the pain.
Anyway, better get to sleep so I can get up at 7 for PT. I really should get up half an hour earlier, but I'm not going to. They don't fine you for being late (yet). There you have it.
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