¡Happy Pills!

Yes, yes, I have succumbed to the glory of artificial joy. My psychologist recommended it months ago, so really I haven't been on the ball, but my goodness I'm on a lot of medications now- even though I weened myself off of the pain killers (none of any kind for three weeks now! That includes stopping Vicodin. feel empowered and in pain hrm...). They add up, you know? And it would be nice to take something to help me sleep when I'm in pain too, but that'd be too risky, and I hear those are super addictive.

So, I have begun taking Cymbalta, which works both for depression and pain from things like diabetes and fibromyalgia. I take this tiny pill two times a day, and it should help the pain a little bit (but I didn't know it would... I guess I am taking something for the pain medicine-wise then :( ) along with the pain-based depression. Who DOESN'T get depressed when they're in pain anyway?

I don't know how it'll work, if at all, yet, but I will be sure to keep you updated. I just worked out so this hyperactivity cannot be attributed to the medicine yet!

Acupuncture

So, pretty much everyone has told me that acupuncture doesn't hurt, you don't feel a thing. Lies! You can completely feel the needles and they sometimes hurt, sometimes for a while and not such a small amount. It isn't as though you forget the needles are there, especially when they leave you lying there with nothing else to think about. Ew.

Really did not enjoy acupuncture. It didn't hurt that much but the lying there with nothing going on was crazy boring. The acupuncturist was probably in the room for two minutes total, putting in and taking out the needles. Felt like what my insurance was paying for was a short-term rental space, not a treatment. But we'll see if it works.

Speaking of boring things, my MT plays the same CD each week, Pure Moods. I know that it is Pure Moods because there were so many infomercials for the darn CD back in the 90's when I watched TV 24-7 (plus, I looked it up on Amazon to verify it). Good God! What do these people think, we enjoy the same ol' boring mix every time? The CD playing at acupuncture was equally unappealing.

I think I should just make my own "calming" mix CD and BYOCD. Make these experiences a little more enjoyable.

P: 7
M: 5

Would it Help if I Complained a Little More?

In general company I mean. I'm caught unaware by people in my circle who don't seem to know that I've been in pain the last three years, a lot of it terrible. How can they not know, right? It must've come up at some point- they should have seen me downing some pain pills or asking to borrow some or something. Should I have been more vocal about it, or were they just not paying attention?

I find myself getting irritated at people when they show the slightest impatience toward me. Or if they say they are too busy for something that I have made time to do- like a joint commitment that they back out of. I want to scream at them, tell them that I spend every goddamn Wednesday going from appointment to appointment to appointment, even though my psych. appointments are on Mondays but it works better verbally to put it all the same day. I still got acupuncture, massage, and Tai Chi- if I could have psych on Weds, I would, and maybe I will. Just would have to go to Issaquah, and that's kinda far.

I'm just so irritated right now. I'm tired of hearing about everyone else's problems without them listening or asking or caring about mine. You know? I probably mentioned my problem, and they weren't paying attention. Or they never asked why I take so many pain pills, or they just dismiss it. Maybe they think it's one of those little things so many people have. But it's not.

If I scream it loud or complain in depth, maybe give a little rant, maybe they'd get it. This isn't some little thing- it is my life interrupted and permanently. Even when I'm not in great pain I can remember what it was like and what it will assuredly be again. The memory is one of the worst parts - like in Buddhism one of the great sufferings is the realization that your happiness is only temporary.

Damn.

Tired of hearing of other people's problems. Seems like the only people who care about my thing is my closest family. Getting tired of no one caring. No one much asked me how grad school started either. Or my new job. Big things, big things.

Tired tired of giving.

P: 4
M: 2

Migraines vs Bad Ass Headaches

I know, I know, it's terribly petty but it pisses me off to no end how many people claim to have migraines. Then they go on to say how they "handle" it- tough it out and stay at work or whatever, never calling in sick. Like I'm a weakling for having to stay in bed with my entire torso encased in ice and a blanket over my head with earplugs in.

You know what I mean? A real migraine means you can't much do anything- not watch tv, not listen to music, not move. It makes you throw up it hurts so bad. Maybe my definition of a migraine is just too limited by my experiences of pain.

Maybe not.

I think that a lot of people want to relate personally to what I'm going to, if I've told them about my pain issues, but I don't WANT them to relate. Because I don't think that most people can, really. I've been in extreme pain so often and since I was eighteen-years-old! The sort of pain I have is comparable to what 70-year-olds must endure- age pains, you know? But I'm young, so I'm angry that I have to deal with it now.

What's worse is that my psychologist says she has migraines, but the way she talks about it makes me think that they're just really bad headaches. Who could give a lecture to UW grad students with a migraine? It's impossible to think! But now I can't tell her about my frustrations, because she does the thing that frustrates me. Psychology is tricky.

Okay, I'm wiki-ing "migraine."

From Wikipedia:

Migraine is a neurological syndrome characterized by altered bodily perceptions, severe headaches, and nausea.

-- so what does "altered bodily perceptions" mean? Ah, lots of stuff. Like excessive "urination" and diarrhea. Blurred vision. Extreme sensitivity.

There are no words to say how awful it is to be in a level of pain characterized as a 10. That's the point at which you think about going to the kitchen and slicing open your wrist. I think the only times that I am truly depressed are when my pain peaks above a level of 8. Then, you can't help but watch your mood decline to the lows- 3 at the highest.

So when people try to compare an achy knee or things like that, I get pissed off. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. There's so much anger and I just don't know who to aim it at. It doesn't work to be angry at God or whoever/whatever you believe in. I can't believe that I'm being punished or I get depressed. It's easier to be mad at people.

As Helen says in Diary of a Mad Black Woman: "I'm not bitter. I'm mad as hell."

Though I don't know why I rant now- I'm in very low pain levels at the moment. Had a migraine night-before-last/yesterday morning though, and it stays with you (app. called the "postdrome phase.") ugh.

P: 3
M: 5

Where did my modesty go?

It just feels like, at this point, all the modesty I once had has flown the coop. Seriously. Three years ago I would have felt insanely awkward being topless beneath a blanket in a room with a strange man- but massage therapy is really different based on the gender of your MT. At least, that has been my experience. I didn't realize I'd scheduled with a man at first- but it didn't matter much after the fact, right? I was already in there, so I was gonna go through with the massage.

I felt a little awkward, I guess, but he's a health care professional. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

Anyway, the massage was a lot different than those I've had in the past. I think that the reason is because the MT was a man (is a man... I'm seeing the same fellow again on Wednesday). The women MT's seemed much gentler, like you were poked a bit but not much really happened. With this guy, everything was painful and it has been hurting a lot since. But he really sounded like he knew what he was talking about- realigning my muscles and overcoming muscle memory and all that. He really seemed to think that he could make the pain go away after a few more sessions.

Probably too optimistic, but anyway, this post is meant to be about a loss of modesty.

I got a gift certificate to go to a spa for a massage treatment and some sort of full-body facial-type thing, which I went to last month. They had all these modesty protectors in place- a robe to wear most of the time, throw-away panties to wear in the shower, a zillion towels, and I was like "Shoot, girl, t'ain't got nutin' you ain't seen a zillion times befoah!"

Which may mean I could go in for a bikini wax and not mind- though I've been afraid and never gone before. Hrm.

I used to be so afraid of being nude in front of people I didn't know! Like, people never took showers in gym when I was in school! I can only guess that being semi-naked in front of MTS, PTS, MDs, etc. so often has lowered my inhibitions.

Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.....

Registering a Disability (aka GRRR!)

So, I am beginning classes at a new university this fall, on account of I graduated and am starting a Master's program, and for this gigantic switch I'll need to have my documents regarding my disability (pain, yes) sent from one university to another. Basically, the new U needs to be sure that I do have the injury I claim to be troubled by, and the old U has documents from various doctors attesting to this fact. The old U however, even after so many phone calls, e-mails, faxes, etc. has yet to send the documents forward.

Because of this annoyance, I may have to get everything confirmed with my drs again. Am seeing the regular dr. tomorrow and maybe can get her to authorize things- but as I am beginning school on Friday, I feel like I'm cutting it really close! Shouldn't the old U know better than to put chronic pain sufferers through such an irritation!

I am very cranky.

Magickal Teas

Well, only the one, actually, but it FEELs magical, which is enough for me to break into song and dance. Anyway, as I probably have mentioned, unless I was trying to nobly avoid the subject, I take Vicodin on occasion for pain and a great deal (2-4 pills a day av.) of over-the-counter pain-killers (I think I may be over-hyphening...). Well, I saw my doctor, as you know and about which I have complained at length and the aforementioned liver problem possibility arose and has been haunting me poltergestically for the past few (or has it only been one?) week. So, though I am not hugely into alternative medicines (though I feel I am getting more into it with the Tai Chi, acupuncture, and, now, tea), I looked to see what herbs/teas there might be that help reduce pain.

Now, I must ease your suspicions- I do not work for the company that produces the tea about which I will soon begin to rant. In fact, I applied to work for them, and did not even so much as get called in for an interview. Which is a real shame for them, as I could so wholeheartedly convince people to buy this fantastic tea.

It is called Tranquil Dream and is produced and sold, not at an inconsiderable price, by Teavana (they have one in Alderwood Mall, if you're in the Seattle area). The tea is marketed as helping one to sleep, but has the additional effect of "calm[ing[ your nerves, reliev[ing] aches and pains, and generally relax[ing] your body and mind." It is a bit of stretch to consider that this tea might eliminate all pains, and I do not suggest it does.

The greatness of this tea is in that it does help A LITTLE. When I find my pain gets so bad that I have light or sound sensitivity, the pain begins to radiate, etc., this tea can help bring it back to a more manageable level. This is especially helpful at night because it can ease the ache just enough to allow me to sleep.

I must confess that the taste is awful, at least to me. It is like chamomile mixed with something awful, like crap. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it doesn't taste good to me at all. Perhaps you will be luckier...

Anywho, three cheers for pain-reducing tea! I have been drinking it for a week now and it continues to help. Huzzah!